Modern Chivalry

My dating life is about as boring as EVER.  ...yes, that means that I am NOT dating at all. If I ever find someone that peaks my interest, I'll definitely make time for him. However, checking out a million random guys in an effort to find a good date seems like a gigantic process with little reward. For now, I am leaving it up to destiny/fate/a PURE miracle or to a time when I change my mind about that.

The one thing that I have noticed over the (almost) 6 years as a single mom is that guys from the past like to make contact and catch up. I am beginning to believe that guys are more nostalgic than women and that they just might have better memories than we give them credit for (better than I do anyway). When it comes to this, Facebook has really changed the world. I would never have guessed that a guy I was casual friends with over 20 years ago would private message me to "catch up."

I am not sure what to make of it, but I have noticed their similarities:

1. None of them live anywhere near me (not even in this huge state of Texas or a surrounding state).
2. They are all on their second marriage.
3. They all had AWFUL first marriages - their ex-wive's fault of course.  They shared a few stories & I believe them.
4. They all seemed happy in their second marriage, but haven't bragged about their current wife.
5. They remember much more about me than I remember about them.
6. They considered us closer friends that I did.
7. They told me that they saw my picture and I still look the same/am beautiful.
8. They all told me that they had a crush or really liked me back in the day.
9. These catch-up sessions seem to last a few weeks and then taper off.

Only one or two suggested anything inappropriate. Mostly, they have been really respectful and genuinely kind. I am wondering if this is modern chivalry. They must know that divorce can blow self-esteem out of the water. I certainly don't fish for compliments or go out of my way to make it known that I am single. They probably notice that I use my maiden name.  This catching-up could be their good deed and a way for them to share their woes for a little therapy. I like to remind them to spoil their current wife.

2015 New Years Resolutions

A strange thing happened last year.  I really started believing in the power of writing goals or desires of the heart down.  I have been doing it for years, so obviously I believed that there was merit in doing it.  Last year, I unexpectedly became a huge fan.

In the months following my divorce, I wrote a list of goals or desires that I wanted to happen in five years.  The list included 2 things that I didn't really know how to work on, so I didn't do anything about them. To be blunt, I hoped I could get the loans on my townhouse and vehicle in my name only (not with my ex).  I was working part-time and was making the payments all by myself often without child support, but I was sure I couldn't qualify for the loan by myself.  After writing it down, I went about life and didn't think about it again.

Last December, the transmission on my car went out.  I had just paid it off, but the title was in both of our names.  I pouted a few days, but then went to Car Max and got a cheaper used car, which I did qualify for ALL BY MYSELF.  I still didn't think about my goal until a month later, when I got a call from my mortgage company.  They told me that the government has a program to help people refinance.  I told them that I had gotten divorced and wasn't making very much money.  I didn't know if I could qualify.  They told me that I should try, so I went for it.  A few months later, the townhouse was only in my name.  I did nothing to seek those things out, but within 5 years they came to pass.  Coincidence?  Maybe...but I believe writing them sparked it all.

Now it is 2015, and I definitely want to document my resolutions.

1.  juice

I am going to juice more often (3 to 5 times a week).  Maybe even do a 3 day juice fast every month or two.  I love juicing, but I have gotten out of the habit.  Every time I need a little motivation, I am going to watch Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead - 1 or 2 (http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/).  Love those documentaries!

2. de-clutter my house 

For my entire life, I have never lived the the same house for long.  I have always moved with-in a year or two.  I have never had to spring clean or purge the junk that tends to accumulate.  My de-cluttering was basically about throwing stuff out that isn't worth moving.  I have now lived in this house for 3 1/2 years.  It completely surprises me that we could have so much extra stuff when I am very thrifty.  My goal is to figure out how to de-clutter when the goal isn't moving.  

3. pay off credit cards

Now that I am working full-time and life has started getting financially easier, I plan to reduce my debts and save more.  That is pretty straight forward.

4. lift others

I can't even count how many people have gone out of their way to help me through these last few years.  I am often shocked and humbled by their generosity and kindness.  I want to do help others the way they've helped me.  I started donating blood on a regular basis.  It happened because I felt like I didn't have anything to give, but I am healthy and realized that is one thing I could do.  I want to keep looking for ways to spread kindness.

5. teach essential oil classes

I have learned so much and there are quite a few people calling me and approaching me to ask questions.  People are really starting to take an interest in essential oils.  Our blog, Essential Health Solutions, is blowing up.  In a little over 2 months, it has had over 2,000 hits and it is picking up more readers all the time.  I see more and more people turning to essential oils.  My local grocery store has more than doubled their shelf space for essential oils and those brands aren't even safe to take internally or use topically. I see more and more people getting excited and wanting to learn more.


I think that is a pretty good list.  I would like to think that sharing it makes me more accountable.  I have a few other more personal things listed in a notebook.  I guess those are more dreams/wishes.  For some reason, I feel like sharing those kinds of things that I have less control over will jinx them like a birthday wish.

Cheers to you all!  Happy New Year and may life take you where you need and want to go!

Being a Single Mom

People often say to me, "it must be so difficult being a single mom" or something close to that.  I usually say that it is a lot easier than being married was.  Of course, I feel like my divorce was about kicking the frat boy out of the house.  To be fair, he did contribute financially and helped around the house.  He was great at organizing and cleaning the garage.  In fact, he has done it a hand-full of times in the last few years.  He just loves doing it and he doesn't have a garage of his own.

Like most women, I did most of the housework, child care, shopping, and errands.  None of that changed because of the divorce, which by the way was 5 years ago (can you believe it?).  There has been a few downsides though, including:

1. I guess the biggest impact has been financial.  I'm not getting a lot of child support. I chose to have the amount lowered because I knew he would struggle.  He tends to go through at least a couple of weeks of unemployment every year, so I don't always get it either.  At least, he has good intentions.  

2.The second biggest impact has been house repair things.  He is a fairly handy person and he knew a lot of people who can do some of the things he couldn't.  I never had to worry about those issues.  My house is only 8 years old, but little things tend to need repairs like the faucet on my kitchen sink or cheap light fixtures that had to be replaced.  My ex still helps me with some things, but sometimes I have to wait months until he gets around to it.  I have a home warranty so appliances and my a/c are covered.  My step-father and mom come for a month in the winter so they help with a few things.  When my brother visited, he also did quite a bit.  

3. The third thing I have noticed is the problems that come up that are a bit overwhelming.  It would be nice to share the impact with someone else.  Like last December, the transmission on my car was breaking down.  I had just paid off the car and was excited to keep it another 5 years.  Sadly, I didn't have $5k to fix it.  Those kinds of problems remind me that I am all alone in this, which isn't fun.

It isn't all bad though.  The last few weeks, I have heard quite a few comments that has me thinking that there are a lot of controlling spouses out there.  One friend said, "My husband would never let me buy that."  It was only a $30 item and they are not struggling at all.  A friend of a friend said, "My husband keeps the thermostat in our house at 78 degrees so I am used to being hot."  Both times I managed to politely smile while biting my tongue.  Another friend told me about her sister-in-law that seems like a nightmare of a wife.  Marriage is tough. 

Fortunately, I am an extremely independent person.  I think that makes being a single mom much easier.  I like making all the decisions on my own.  I can compromise, but isn't it nice when you don't have to? All the money, even though there isn't much, can be spent on things that I think are important.  Activities and vacations are all decided by me.  I don't have to watch a movie, tv show, sporting event, or even do something that doesn't seem worth it to me.  Most of what I do revolves around the kids, but that is what I choose.  I have realized that this is the perfect time to appreciate my independence.  So what if I haven't been on a date in years?  I can't afford a babysitter anyway.  ☺

Emotionally Invested

This week, I heard that my step-brother and his wife are getting divorced.  To be honest, I felt genuinely sad.  I will not pretend to know any of the details about who is to blame and all that is going on.  In fact, I really don’t know anything.  I have only seen him 3 different times over the last 12 years.  Two of the times, he had his family with him and of course most of my attention went to his kids.  I think he has been married about 17 years and has 4 kids.  The one thing I always think about when it comes to divorce is the unexpected people who suffer with them.  I am guessing that both he and his wife are a little surprised by how emotional people get when they find out. 

When I got divorced, I was certainly shocked by how many people got dismayed by the news.  It was easy for me to tell close friends and family.  I had never really criticized my husband, but once I knew there was no other choice, I started sharing some of my pain.  The decision to get divorced wasn't that alarming to those near me.  The difficult part was sharing the news with casual friends, neighbors, close friends that I haven't seen in a while, and acquaintances.   It isn't easy to introduce this topic in everyday chit chat or contact them specifically to share the bad news.  After I filed the divorce papers and was preparing to move, I realized I just had to start announcing it to others.  Quite a few of them started crying huge heartbreaking tears.  In my tired and numb state, I found myself consoling them.  Even though I was walking around in a daze, I truly felt grateful to be surrounded by such caring people.  I felt loved.          

When I was in junior high, I remember crying almost all night long when I heard that a guy in the grade above me committed suicide.  I knew who he was and who his friends were, but probably nothing else.  I wondered if he would have committed suicide if he knew that his death would hurt so many people that he barely knew existed.  I was sure that if I was crying others were too.  I realized that night that our lives affect more people than we can possibly imagine.    

This evening, my aunt had a wonderful post on Facebook.  She got engaged after being divorced possibly 30 years.  I remember her divorce, but I was a child.  She is a beautiful, intelligent and successful woman.  My heart filled with joy when I read the news and saw the picture. 

Even when it is none of our business, as fellow human beings, we naturally feel emotionally invested in others well-being.  No matter how isolated we feel, we are never truly alone.  The world is full of people who care about each and every one of us.

Ten Years Later

Why is it always the big anniversaries that make us reflect on life and what we've learned since then?  Ten years ago (Friday the 17th), I got married.  Of course, "we got married" sounds better, but after being divorced for almost 4 years, it is definitely "I" in quite a few ways.

At church this month, I have been invited to attend a special marriage class during Sunday school.  They are doing month long courses and filing us through alphabetically.  By invited, I mean not only is it my turn alphabetically, but they printed out a special invitation specifically for me and got substitutes to teach the 9 year old class that I am in charge of.  It seems a little awkward for me, as a divorced woman, to attend marriage class.  Mormons believe that families, specifically marriages, are the highest priority in life.  That is probably why they have a rather low divorce rate.  Last time I saw a statistic is was 20%.  There are 500 people in our ward (a.k.a. congregation).  I believe that there are only 3 women that are divorced.  One man is in the process of getting divorced.  There is also one lady that is in her 30s that has never been married.  We're definitely a minority.

I like to approach things with an open mind.  A couple was asked to teach these classes.  I know them and quite like them.  Each week, they cover a different topic.  The first one was communication.  The second was forgiveness.  Today, it was intimacy.  Next week is financial security/budgeting.  I have been attending the class and could easily feel like the odd man out.  Most couples are sitting together holding hands. There are always one or two women whose husband isn't in class for one reason or another.  I sit off to the side and they join me.  I don't really contribute to the class.  I just listen.

I have read a lot of self-help books on divorce as well as marriage.  All they do is confirm what I know in my heart, that I was an amazing wife.  Sure I annoyed him at times, but I did A LOT of things right and was more forgiving than I probably should have been.  He'll tell you that too.

Life has really changed over the last 10 years, but I truly feel like I am where I need to be and doing what I need to do.  Friends often ask me if I want to get remarried.  Even though I am not dating, the answer is definitely YES.  Who doesn't want to believe in that dream?  I see lots of couples making it work and so I know it can.  Cheers to a better future!  Maybe I'll even go on a date this year.  It would be nice to think a guy found me at least slightly attractive.

Juggler of Life

It seems like I was doing so well at posting back in November and December.  Christmas hit & bam, that was it.  I didn't even let ya'll know that my ex called off his wedding right before Christmas.  He still spends quite a bit of time with her, as far as I know, but they aren't getting married. 

My ex & I were doing fairly well at being friends in December.  Now, we are back to our normal post-divorce selves.  That means that sometimes we talk and seem to be friends and sometimes we are pulling back and looking for distance.  We also get easily offended or annoyed with each other.  I know that quite a few married couples do that, but we never did.  In fact, in a way, it is quite amusing for me to experience it now. 

When we got divorced, I knew it would change our dynamics.  He seems to feel hurt or rejected at times and I often feel like he is a bit in my way and that I need to move on with my life.  This is mostly all in our heads.  It isn't like we hang out or talk all the time.  We're probably like every other divorced couple, well except the ones who desperately wish the other was dead.  I don't know why I am writing about this.  It is actually a small part of my juggling act.

I still have all of the normal things going on - housework, kids, life, friends, family, work, some consulting work, church, etc.  It just seems like all of those things have been on steroids lately.  Maybe not friends - I hardly see any of them anymore.  Spending time with friends and enjoying life was on my New Year's Resolutions (guess that has been a failure).  Work and consulting work have kicked up a huge notch, which sadly isn't leading to more money for the time being.  This is just my busy time of year for work.  My consulting work is probably pro-bono since it is for a friend that most likely will not pay in the end.  I agreed to help her because she is also a single mom and a lot of people have bent over backwards to make my life better.  This is paying-it-forward.

It hasn't been all work the last few months, my mom and step-father were visiting us for several weeks.  It was quite nice, but meant that some of my free time went to spending time with them.  Not a bad thing, but one more thing keeping me busy.  On the other hand, they handled most of the grocery shopping and food preparation.  They also entertained the kids a lot.  Maybe they actually made it so I had a little more time for work.  :S

I know this is all blah, blah, blah.  I feel like whenever I do see a friend and they ask me how things are going, I don't have much of an update.  I've been in a bit of a holding pattern since I moved back to Texas.  I am still not dating anyone (or even trying to).  I am still working for the same company that I've been with for 11 years.  I am still poor, but managing to get by with a little help here & there. 

Has anything changed????   Um... I did pay the last tuition payment for Jordan's pre-school.  He is all registered to start kindergarten in the fall, which makes me both thrilled for him and sad for me. 

Mainly, I feel like I am drowning, but somehow I keep surviving.  The longer this goes on, the more I get exhausted though.  Perhaps, I should call it a night and hit the sack a little early.  I will pretend that life will be easier soon.  Hopefully, I'll believe that. 

Christmas Love

This Christmas has been completely amazing in so many unexpected ways.  First of all, I didn't think I would be able to spend it with my two favorite people in the world.  This year, their dad was scheduled to have them for Christmas.  Fortunately, my ex brought them over first thing this morning and we all spent the day together.

I also believed it would be a sad little Christmas because I just couldn't manage to spend money on presents.  Even with help, I am struggling to pay bills this month.  I know I am pretty verbal on the blog about financial struggles, but in real life I keep it pretty quiet.  It is just part of my life and we manage somehow.

This month, the spirit of Christmas must have swelled in the hearts of people (my boss, friends, family, & church members) because they came out of the woodwork to shower us with gifts and acts of kindness. Their generosity was so overwhelming that I often shed a tear.  My mom did too whenever I told her about another person who went out of their way to do something for us.  The gifts weren't only for my kids either.  I can understand how people would want to make sure kids have a good Christmas, but I can't believe how much people gave and thought about me.  Of course, I would have been thrilled if Lexi and Jordan were the only ones spoiled, but I was too.

In the end, I realize it really is the thought that counts.  The wonderful gifts they gave us showed me how much love and kindness there is in the world, especially where we live.  How amazing it is to have love in this world.  More than anything, this all makes me wish I could afford to do grand things for them and others.

Emotional Roller Coaster

This was the first weekend that my ex has taken the kids for more than one night since June.  In fact, over the past few months (years really) he often misses taking them all together even when he promised them he would come.  That is just part of who he is.  We are all used to it.  To be honest, I have really enjoyed that about him.  Sometimes when I think about the bad things in the marriage, I would at least be happy that he isn't a pushy dad.   I like to think that I may have missed the mark when it came to him as a husband, but he is the kind of ex husband I prefer.   

I always put my kids first.  Maybe giving them a little more of their own time is a good thing, but I don’t like to.  Family time is number one on my list.  Other than school, they are RARELY in the care of someone else.  I was even like that when I lived in California.  I hardly ever left them with my mom.  If there is a choice, I consistently choose to be with them.  I just like it that way. 

Needless to say, this was a very emotional weekend for me.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.  The rest of the time, I cried my eyes out.  I went to church today very exhausted with puffy eyes.  I felt overwhelmed by these emotions.  Lots of concerned people asked me about the kids in a polite way.  It was difficult to talk about them though.  I am good at keeping it together in those situations, but on the inside I was dying.  I think it is even worse that their dad has them again next weekend and for Christmas.  Fortunately (for me), my ex’s fiance will be out of town, so he’ll probably bring them over for a bike ride or something on the weekend.  He already said he would like to be over here for Christmas Eve & Christmas day, which is a huge relief for me.  I am also thrilled that he doesn't have any vacation time or he would have them all week.  If we played by the book, he could have them from the 21^st to the 28^th without me seeing them even once.  Typing that makes me feel like I have a hole in my heart and knots in my stomach. 

For these reasons, I hope that when he gets married and moves across town, he’ll go back to his usual ways.  I know that isn't nice and it is better for them to have an involved father, but it makes me happier.  If he doesn't, I’m sure I’ll start thinking about moving far away again.  Yes, I am a bit selfish like that, but notice I said start thinking about moving away.  I don’t have the money and I love living here.  I’ll also be dreaming about how nice it would be if he moved away.  His fiance has lots of family here and her own little business, so I doubt that will happen. 

In the last post, I wrote that I am feeling positive about the future.  I am also feeling deeply saddened about the possibility of spending less time with my kids.  No matter what, divorce is awful especially when you have kids.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I can only imagine how bad it is when exes can’t stand each other.  

Forgiveness Process

This past month has really thrown me for a loop.  When you truly believe that you have completely forgiven someone, it is shocking to suddenly find out that there is more baggage there to clear out.  In a way, I am glad that I have had a chance to dig in and figure this out.  This has been the main topic on my mind, so posting has become difficult.  I wasn't sure I should put it out there, but I am an open book and perhaps it will help someone else.  

Basically, it comes down to the fact that my thoughts and nightmares have been haunted by the past.  Flashbacks of horrible instances and many difficult to forgive acts in my marriage have been taunting me.  A good night of sleep has become a rare thing.  Almost every night, I manage to get to sleep, but right around 3 am, I am jolted awake by a nightmare.  This leads me down a path of thoughts and worry that doesn't allow me to rest again for several hours.  Of course, being tired has made me even sicker of the whole issue.  I decided to just be patient with myself and talk it out to many friends.  This is all part of the torture of divorce and tearing up a family.  All actions have consequences even when you weren't the main one at fault. 

My ex tells everyone that he is 100% responsible for what happened.  I would probably put it at around 95%.  I wasn't willing to hit bottom with him.  He had to hit that on his own after the divorce.   He has come a long way, but he has a ways to go.   

This morning, I didn't wake up until 5 am.  The best part was that I felt completely happy (tears of joy kind of happy).  I am actually thrilled that life gives people second chances.  I know the road is going to be difficult for him and his soon to be new wife, but I want to see them succeed and thrive.  I hope they can do that together. 

As for me, I am feeling very positive about the future.  I don’t know what it has in store, but working through the past only means things will get better.  Also, this little exercise in shedding burdens has made the scale my best friend.  Losing 10 lbs a month before my 40^th birthday means I am lighter physically as well as spiritually.  

Back to Me

I know that I have had a few posts about whether or not I should go back to using my maiden name.  Suddenly, this week, it feels right to do it.  For a while, I wrestled with wanting to share a name with my kids.  I wanted less confusion.  I have been using my maiden name for my work and Facebook, but my married name for personal life.

Recently, my ex has met and become very close to what seems to be the love of his life.  That is huge, since everyone else he has dated, he wouldn't even call a girlfriend.  They are even discussing the possibility of marriage in the next few months.  They introduced their kids to each other the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He has talked to me quite a bit about her and she seems good for him and very nice.  Lexi definitely likes her.  

To be frank, this new development has brought on a range of different emotions for me and even flashbacks of all of the crap that went on between us.  None of my feelings or emotions led to wanting to get back together not even for a second.  The worst feelings were about being a little angry that he gets to be happy now.  I know I was a great wife and 90% of our problems were caused by his issues.  He knows that too.  That little anger/pity-party for me kept re-occurring, but was fleeting every time because:

1. I have always wanted him to find someone first.  Before his mom died, she asked me to take care of him.  Even though the divorce broke a lot of the responsibility I felt for him, there was a part of me that still checked up on him.  Plus, I am often the only one he would talk to.  He has very little contact with his old friends.  When he gets down in the dumps, he completely shuts himself off from most people even me at times.  I know that if I moved on with my life, it would crush him even more.

2. I am where I need to be in my life and I am still making no efforts to date.  A lot of that has to do with being the best parent I can be.  I give all of myself to the kids and try to manage work, the house, finances, friendships, church, etc.

Other feelings include relief because I know he is happier.  When he is happier, things go better in his life and he is a good dad.  At times, I feel really worried for her and them.  He and I have had a few long telephone conversations this week.  I was open and honest with him and he told me he would share it all with her.  I have always said he has a great heart and infinite potential to be an amazing husband.  He has also come a LONG way in the last year or two.  I hope they are very happy and I am even looking forward to meeting her.

I just explained all of that to get to my main point.  I realized on Monday that I want to use my maiden name in my personal life too.  I will answer to either name and it will not bother me, but I suddenly feel like I am getting back a piece of me.  A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and is sort of being transferred to her.  It brings a bit of unexpected peace.  

3 Year Divorce Anniversary

Yesterday, at lunch, I realized it has been exactly 3 years since the divorce.  Of course, I made a celebratory announcement to my family.  In many ways, it seems like it happened long ago and this is the natural path of my life.  I have admitted many times that financial aspects have been and still are extremely difficult.  At this point, that has more to do with sticking with the same job and working from home, which is a topic on its own. Honestly, I don't mind being a divorcee, single mom, or whatever titles/roles that have evolved.

About a month ago, I was talking to another divorcee/single mom in my neighborhood.  She is coming up on her one year divorce anniversary.  We talked about how getting divorced throws your whole life, goals, future plans, dreams and ideas into a tailspin.  Most girls grow up with an image of how their adult lives will be.  Perhaps they want to go to college, get married, have a career, have 2 - 4 kids, live in a single family home, drive a certain vehicle, be a stay-at-home-mom, join the PTA, and/or just about anything.  One thing they don't want to think about is divorce.  When that happens, it is like a bomb goes off for your dreams.  At least that is what happened to both of us.  I was thrilled to be coming out of the whole thing with my two kids, but everything else lost its appeal.  There was no interest in hobbies, goal making, or career moves.  I functioned and kept going on just fine and often felt happiness.  However, now that I think about it, it sounds like underlying depression.

My friend asked me when this stage ended.  I wanted to tell her that it went away quickly.  I am not sure that it is completely gone.  I am interested in many things and hobbies.  I look forward to the future.  I just wish I had a little glimpse into it to know if some of these hardships are now just a part of my life or if I can move past these and on to bigger/better things.  Only time will tell.

A Little Therapy

I just came back from my first and possibly last session of therapy.  That sounds a little negative, but I think it just might have accomplished what I wanted it to.  Let me back up…

A week ago, my ex-husband called to ask me if I would go to therapy with him.  I was quite surprised given the fact that we’ve been divorced almost 3 years.  The two years I was in California, the kids and I saw my ex twice.  Even for the past year, it has been sporadic.  For a while, he regularly picked up the kids.  Back in September, October & November, we were hanging out together with the kids.  For the first month, I actually toyed with the idea of something more (Contemplating Complete Forgiveness).  He had made very impressive leaps to change and I wasn’t sure if I owed it to him or myself to at least consider it.  By the beginning of October, I completely realized that I just didn’t have ANY feelings for him.  We were even bickering more than we had our entire 6 years of marriage. 

By December, we were hanging out less and less.  When his company asked him to start working in different cities in Texas he sounded thrilled.  I felt so relieved, actually ecstatic.   Once again, I would have the space I had been craving.  The kids and I didn’t see much of him for January, February, and March.  When he was around and wanted to, I would have him spend his time with the kids and I did my own thing (usually clean the house and catch up on work – How exciting am I?).    

In April, he asked me if we could have a “talk.”  I said sure.  He came over one evening and after the kids were in bed, he told me that he is now completely committed to the kids and me.  I felt like I had to break-up with him again.  I clearly told him that I just want to move on with my life.  Quickly, he became an emotional wreck and said goodbye.  Later, he called saying that he felt like he was losing me all over again.  He was crying and really didn’t want an honest response from me, so I listened. 

His next step was to ask me to see a therapist with him.  He wanted someone to help us communicate.  I am not at all against therapy, but I had to smile considering that he is always the one that doesn’t want to hear bad news.  He asked me about a therapist that he has been seeing for years (mostly whenever I asked him to).  The therapist knows my mom & sister really well.  I agreed to one session in an effort to provide closure for him. 

It went really well as far as I am concerned.  I am sure he is crushed, but he was finally able to listen to me say that it is over for me.  I sincerely hope he can move on.  He has come a LONG way in improving himself, even farther than I had ever dared to hope.  I am sure he’ll be able to find someone that can love him, appreciate him, and build a life with him, but… it will not be me.  

Signs of Life

There is a peach tree in my backyard. The previous owners planted it, but never got to enjoy it. When we bought the house, it was still very young. I think I was only vaguely aware that it was a fruit tree when I moved to California. When I came back last year, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much it had developed. Sadly, it was struggling from the harsh drought we had last year. It still managed to produce quite a bit of small peaches all of which were eaten by birds and insects. Through the fall it lost all of its leaves and looked like a big dead stick. I figured that it was pretty normal for peach trees, but I couldn’t help but worry that it just might have suffered too much from the drought. I wondered if it would make it.

This last year has been a killer for me too. When I started planning to move back, I knew it was going to be difficult/impossible financially. To be perfectly blunt, my salary and child support together barely cover the bills (and some months not even that). Meaning, there is NOTHING left over for food, gas, Jordan’s pre-school, clothes, oil changes, doctor appointments, or even health insurance (my mom pays for mine – the kids are on their dad’s). I also knew that no matter how crazy it was going to be that it was the right move for us. It has been an incredibly frustrating and stressful year. Many times when I have felt like I am in the darkest pit, someone completely unexpected has thrown a Hail Mary to me that allowed me to keep one toe still in the game. While I am extremely appreciative and astonished that I have made it this far as well as I have, I am beat down and tired.

In January, I started looking for another job and truly exploring other options. I quickly got some great interviews and even offers. I had to politely refuse. Overall, it wouldn’t be to our benefit. Paying $15,000 a year to daycare, plus worrying about child care options for all of the expected overtime and travel actually means I would still be desperately poor. Why would I want to be away from my kids and not even better off financially?

For now, I am kindred spirit with the winter version of the peach tree. I want to believe that there is hope for renewal and joy. I have no choice, but to continue living on a prayer.

Contemplating Complete Forgiveness

I have something I have been thinking about posting for several weeks, but I am not sure how much I am ready to reveal or honestly even deal with. One thing I know is that I don’t want to spell it out, but I think it will be completely obvious who this is about. Never-the-less, here it goes…

What happens when there is someone who plays a significant role in your life that over the course of several years gets wrapped up in something that drastically hurts themselves, you and definitely damages your relationship? What happens when this builds to the point where most of the ties must be severed in order to keep your sanity? What if you take time to at least generally forgive the person and are able to talk to them in an honest and kind way? What if after a certain amount of time, they ask for complete forgiveness and would like to TRY to restore that relationship? Not only that, but they are showing remarkable improvement through the help of a therapist and religious studies. What if that person is going out of their way to prove they are an asset in your life without expecting anything in return?

These are the basic questions I have been contemplating for the past few weeks. In general, I believe that I am a very forgiving person that doesn’t hold grudges. I honestly believe that everyone deserves a second chance if they are willing to work for it. Sadly, we are all foolish at times and take things for granted. I wish I could say that I am perfect. Sometimes, we get our best lessons in life by learning the hard way. Those lessons transform us into a much better person.

On the other hand, there is that saying - fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. There is a certain amount of distrust and self protection that exists to help us survive. Where is the balance in all of this? I guess it is just a matter of taking things VERY slowly and seeing if it is possible to build enough trust. Life is so complicated.

Divorce Talk

A few weeks ago, I realized that so many of my posts focus on divorce and being single. Not that it is a bad topic, but I decided that I was a bit tired of the whole thing. I wanted to mix it up a little.

However, the bizarre thing about this status is that somehow it inspires people to open up and share their marriage struggles and thoughts of divorce. Plus, meeting other divorcees happens naturally. I end up hearing and talking a lot about the whole divorcee way of life. While it is quite interesting and really opens my eyes up to how fortunate I truly am, I wonder what the deeper meaning in all of this. Life is so complicated with a million different answers and directions as well as insane reasoning behind decisions and feelings.

When it comes to others, mainly I just listen without judging. I believe it is important to look at situations from diverse angles and consider all options. I bring up many different points good and bad without stating my opinion. Ultimately, relationships are so personal that only each individual can figure out what they truly want to do or are ready to do.

Through all these various discussions, I have realized that only the most fortunate people survive a divorce with a relatively small amount of money being paid to lawyers, without hateful feelings, and being able to maintain a friendship not to mention mutual respect. Life is far from easy and divorce is horrible, but I consider myself a rare lucky divorcee.

Kids Talk

Today is the two year anniversary of the divorce. Emotionally, I am in a much better place and so is my ex. I know it was absolutely the right decision, even though breaking up a family is so difficult and shouldn’t have to happen ever. However, life has a way of helping people grow, heal and move on.

This week, I saw an article about dealing with your ex getting a new girlfriend. One of the author’s suggestions was encouraging your kids not to talk about the other parent’s life or your life. I think that advice is sad.

First of all, I can’t imagine discouraging my kids from sharing anything that affects their lives. I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything and everything. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons my kids are non-stop talkers. I don’t want them to keep things from me. I hope by getting in this habit, they’ll come to me with everything especially during the teenage years or if anyone ever does anything to them that I NEED to know about.

Secondly, I don’t want them to feel guilty or bad about a person that is hopefully a positive influence in their lives. I wouldn’t discourage them from talking about their teachers or friends’ moms. Their dad’s girlfriend or their step-mom would be a significant part of their lives, especially since they spend every other weekend with him and most likely her.

Thirdly, kids are constantly trying to understand the world and life. Every new situation creates questions. They want to understand what things mean and how things work, especially relationships. Questions like: What will happen if they get married? What if they have a baby? How will that baby be related to me? Will that baby be related to you, mom? Will my dad still love me? Etc. Kids naturally ask questions and probably feel more comfortable asking the person who answers most of their questions, which in my experience is their mom.

I guess this point in the article struck a nerve because I am dealing with this currently. My ex has a special woman in his life that the kids spend time with. In fact, most of the time they are with him, she is too. I haven’t met her yet, but she seems like a great person and is really getting attached to the kids. I am sure that she is good for him and the kids. Since my kids are TALKERS, I have heard all about her and him and them and answered all kinds of questions. Sure, it sometimes causes moments of insecurity or self-doubt (when I think about it later after they are asleep), but overall I feel like it is a positive thing.

Then again, I am able to listen and answer from an emotionally stable place and with a level head. My point is that advice columns can be wrong. Before taking advice, think about it from all different angles and potential outcomes.

Two Months In Texas

Today marks the two month anniversary of our return to grand ol Texas! Yeehaw! What’s not to love???? Overall, I can say that I am thrilled to be back, but it hasn’t been all dreamy easy. Basically, it is a mix of inner peace/pure happiness and worry/adjusting.

Adjusting hasn’t been an issue for me specifically. In fact, right as we were first pulling in I felt like I’d never left. Two years flew by. Everything is familiar and my friends all look the same. Their kids had grown up a lot, but that didn’t take long to get used to. My house feels normal too. Mostly, I just put things back the way they were. The sad part is that the house needs quite a few minor repairs and I just have to be patient while I get other things going so I can get to it. Lexi & Jordan have been trying to adjust though. They have loved being back, but they get sentimental now and then when they think about their grandparents or my sister.

Another issue is money. Isn’t it always though? Money is extremely tight (actually slipping back a little), but promising. In addition to my job, I have two clients that keep me jumping. Once those take off, I am looking forward to the cash flow improving. They both seem quite happy and I know I will be able to work better once school starts and there are more moments of quiet around here.

I guess another topic is my social life, which involves friends. I love being around old friends. I have quite a few here. There is just something too special about someone who knows you over more than two decades. They know my family and who I really am. It is comforting and still fun.

My love life is exactly where I want it to be, which is essentially nowhere with a little twist. The kids and I have gone on three play dates with that guy and his kids that I mentioned in the last post. He is SOOOO nice. He doesn’t want to date yet because his divorce isn’t finalized, which I think is the right thing to do. Plus, he is clearly suffering from heartache in the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. He wants and needs a friend just as much as I do. Although I am sad he is going through this, I am very comfortable with our platonic friendship that involves a little flirting. I quite enjoy talking to him too. I think this friendship is therapeutic for both of us.

Not bad or boring for two months of my life. In one more month and a few days, my little Lexi will be starting kindergarten. More adjustments with life moving onward.

No Feminine Allure

Out of the people that I know who read my blog, I am not sure there are many that have experienced what I feel like revealing tonight. Sadly, when someone has gone through a rather long spell without any type of romantic connection, they begin to see themselves as non-attractive. I realize that it sounds like I am referring to some steamy passionate entanglement, but I am really talking about ANY type of interaction like flirting.

Logically speaking, I understand that I have chosen to spend the last (almost) year as close to nun-hood as possible. It isn’t the first time. Well, I take that back. I highly doubt that I have ever shunned the dating scene for an entire year. I was 30 when I got married, so the single life is something that I am thoroughly familiar with. I took quite a few breaks (several months long) back in the pre-marriage days. Breathers can be nice.

In many ways, choosing the life of a quasi-nun can feel very liberating and can be a time of great introspection. There are a lot of things that need my focus right now and I barely feel like I am keeping up. Sometimes, one more thing gets thrown into my life and it feels overwhelming.

Plus, I absolutely don’t like the whole fakeness of first dates and chit chatting with strangers who may or may not want to spend the rest of their lives being in love.  It’s just not at all appealing right now. Granted, there isn’t an abundance of single men in any of the activities or hang-outs that I spend time at. In fact, mostly I see lots of moms. I rarely see any men (married or not). Truthfully, my chances of even bumping into single men are pretty low. I live in the suburbs. I only do kid/family-friendly activities. I work from home so I don’t even see my colleagues or meet many new people.

On a highly depressing note, living a nun-ish life leads a girl to feel like no normal guy could possibly be interested in her. I wonder if I am even capable of getting a guy’s attention, assuming that I would actually find one that I am interested in. I’ve forgotten how to flirt, if I ever really knew. For the sake of this rambling post, let’s pretend somehow I could get his attention. Then, what? My life is consumed by my kids and work. I would have to dig deep to even remember other interests in an attempt to carry on even one fascinating conversation.

Alas, this circle of self doubt and complete disinterest in dating will continue for the time being. Mostly, I know that it is best for me right now. However, I’d just love a little flirtatious smile or harmless wink from a half-way handsome single man near my age to signal that perhaps just maybe I still got it.

**Update: After writing this post last night, I took the kids to the pool today and happened to get what I wished for.   There were a few dads there.  One who was holding a baby & had two other kids started talking to me.  I thought that his wife was probably on one of the beach chairs.  He asked, "What do ya'll do for a living?"  I told him that I am divorced and then about my work.  I asked him what he does & he said that he is currently going through a divorce.  Our kids played and we had a nice time.  He shared a few things, but said it was hard to talk with the kids.  I was friendly, but not divulging much.  Before he left, he politely asked for my number to see if we could schedule a play date for the kids.  Pretty harmless, right?  How could someone refuse that? -- I don't know if we'll ever get together.  It would be nice to have a friend.  The best part of this was finding out that I am not repulsive. 

What's My Name?

Today, two different people asked me my last name and I couldn't answer.  Does that seem like a dumb blonde thing or what?  Fortunately, both of them knew both of the last names I go by, but wasn't sure which one I preferred.  Sadly, I don't know which one I prefer either and I've been divorced for 2 years.

On the one hand, I am probably leaning more towards my maiden name.  I am living in a place where quite a few people know my family so I'm classified as one of them anyways.  Plus, I've been using that name for work this entire time.  I started working for my company before I got married and it seemed like such a hassle to make the change, especially since I am marketing person who has lots of contacts.  It would affect my e-mail, business cards, etc.  Technically, it is not only my last name, but now it is officially my middle name.  My parents didn't give me a middle name.  When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name.  My first name, maiden name & last name are on all my documents (drivers license, passport, social security, etc).  Going back to only using my maiden name also signifies in my mind that I am single and completely in charge of my own life.  In a way, it is liberating but only in my mind.

On the other hand, there is a small part of me that thinks sharing my married name with my kids makes us feel more like a family.  I don't want them to feel even a little alienated by the divorce.  I wonder if by deciding to officially stop using our last name, it would send a signal that I am rejecting the name that is part of who they are.  Of course, that is probably over thinking it, but you get my point.  Also, I just don't want the hassle of officially changing it.  What a pain that can be.  

I've mentioned this topic of divorcing and last names before but mainly from view of the guy's new wife.  As far as I know, my ex isn't very close to that next step.  It would feel strange to share a last name with my ex if he has a new wife.

I guess on this one issue, I am still in limbo.  For now, I tell people that I'll answer to either name, but I just don't know what I want.  There may be a perk to being undecided.  It will be so much tougher for people to gossip about me when half of the people know me by one name and the other half know me by another.

Emerging as Myself

This week, I read an article in a magazine about Botox that inspired a whole train of thought and an extremely strange analogy. Yes, I am weird. I am not in any way an expert of Botox. In fact, I have never even seriously thought about getting it and I only know a few people who have had it. Mainly, I just like reading studies about almost anything. This particular one said that although Botox only works for a few months, many patients who do it a few times in four months happen to see results up to 20 months. Their conclusion was that paralyzing the muscle actually gives the skin time to repair itself.

Now, for the strange analogy – for the past few weeks I have been thinking about how I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time. About a year ago, I posted about losing myself here: Lost My Spit Fire

I know that besides going through divorce, coming to California to live with my mom has been difficult for me, personally. No, not in any of the ways one might easily guess. My mom works full time and is laid back. She doesn’t meddle at all or even try to pry into my life much, just in a caring helpful way. My problem is that I am a fiercely independent person. I prefer to take care of myself, handle everything by myself, and I never ask for help. I am the one that helps others. I was even the main breadwinner for most of my marriage. Deciding to move here was not easy for me. However, I knew it was the best decision for me because I could continue working part-time and still be able to take care of my kids full-time. That felt significantly important to me. (I am not saying that it would be the best choice for anyone else or even for me at a different point in my life.)

Many changes have occurred since then. Recently, I have realized that it is time for the next phase of life. Preparing to go back to being completely self-sufficient is giving me a breath of fresh air. Although money will be extremely tight for a while, I am thrilled to know that I will be back on my own. As I look back on these past almost 2 years, I now realize that being here was enormously beneficial for me. Yes, I felt a bit paralyzed like I wasn’t moving forward or really doing anything with my life other than being the kind of mom that I wanted to be. Yet, just like Botox, being paralyzed allowed me to heal. I am genuinely at peace, more confident, appreciative of my current situation, and even, dare I say, incredibly cheerful.