I know that I have had a few posts about whether or not I should go back to using my maiden name. Suddenly, this week, it feels right to do it. For a while, I wrestled with wanting to share a name with my kids. I wanted less confusion. I have been using my maiden name for my work and Facebook, but my married name for personal life.
Recently, my ex has met and become very close to what seems to be the love of his life. That is huge, since everyone else he has dated, he wouldn't even call a girlfriend. They are even discussing the possibility of marriage in the next few months. They introduced their kids to each other the weekend before Thanksgiving. He has talked to me quite a bit about her and she seems good for him and very nice. Lexi definitely likes her.
To be frank, this new development has brought on a range of different emotions for me and even flashbacks of all of the crap that went on between us. None of my feelings or emotions led to wanting to get back together not even for a second. The worst feelings were about being a little angry that he gets to be happy now. I know I was a great wife and 90% of our problems were caused by his issues. He knows that too. That little anger/pity-party for me kept re-occurring, but was fleeting every time because:
1. I have always wanted him to find someone first. Before his mom died, she asked me to take care of him. Even though the divorce broke a lot of the responsibility I felt for him, there was a part of me that still checked up on him. Plus, I am often the only one he would talk to. He has very little contact with his old friends. When he gets down in the dumps, he completely shuts himself off from most people even me at times. I know that if I moved on with my life, it would crush him even more.
2. I am where I need to be in my life and I am still making no efforts to date. A lot of that has to do with being the best parent I can be. I give all of myself to the kids and try to manage work, the house, finances, friendships, church, etc.
Other feelings include relief because I know he is happier. When he is happier, things go better in his life and he is a good dad. At times, I feel really worried for her and them. He and I have had a few long telephone conversations this week. I was open and honest with him and he told me he would share it all with her. I have always said he has a great heart and infinite potential to be an amazing husband. He has also come a LONG way in the last year or two. I hope they are very happy and I am even looking forward to meeting her.
I just explained all of that to get to my main point. I realized on Monday that I want to use my maiden name in my personal life too. I will answer to either name and it will not bother me, but I suddenly feel like I am getting back a piece of me. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and is sort of being transferred to her. It brings a bit of unexpected peace.
2 comments:
Glad to hear you are comfortable with your decision. I have two friends (without children) who have kept their married names. I think it's a personal decision (just like the decision to change one's name at marriage).
I think you should do whatever feels right. I was kind of thinking about the opposite. I never officially changed my name but since separating, I feel like maybe the kids and I should have the same last name. I've always used my maiden name + my married name (without the hyphen) so I'm thinking of just making it official.
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