Christmas Love

This Christmas has been completely amazing in so many unexpected ways.  First of all, I didn't think I would be able to spend it with my two favorite people in the world.  This year, their dad was scheduled to have them for Christmas.  Fortunately, my ex brought them over first thing this morning and we all spent the day together.

I also believed it would be a sad little Christmas because I just couldn't manage to spend money on presents.  Even with help, I am struggling to pay bills this month.  I know I am pretty verbal on the blog about financial struggles, but in real life I keep it pretty quiet.  It is just part of my life and we manage somehow.

This month, the spirit of Christmas must have swelled in the hearts of people (my boss, friends, family, & church members) because they came out of the woodwork to shower us with gifts and acts of kindness. Their generosity was so overwhelming that I often shed a tear.  My mom did too whenever I told her about another person who went out of their way to do something for us.  The gifts weren't only for my kids either.  I can understand how people would want to make sure kids have a good Christmas, but I can't believe how much people gave and thought about me.  Of course, I would have been thrilled if Lexi and Jordan were the only ones spoiled, but I was too.

In the end, I realize it really is the thought that counts.  The wonderful gifts they gave us showed me how much love and kindness there is in the world, especially where we live.  How amazing it is to have love in this world.  More than anything, this all makes me wish I could afford to do grand things for them and others.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!  I am so excited that I get to spend Christmas with my kids.  I hope everyone has as many kind things happen to them as I have had this month.  It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

Me Moments Winner

I just found out today that I am the winner of the Me Moments Basket from Dayngr Girl, who can now be followed at: dayngrzone.com.

The beauty basket is part of the marketing promotion for the movie Playing for Keeps, here is the clip from youtube:

2012 Christmas Cards

I think I mention every year that I like to get my Christmas cards together and out the door in the very beginning of December.  That did not happen this year.  In fact, I struggled to get the motivation to do them at all.  I took the above picture in my backyard on Thanksgiving.  I dragged the kids out there, set up my point & shoot camera on a kitchen bar stool, and had to keep reminding the kids to look at the camera while the timer kept snapping pictures.  It was definitely not a thrilling experience.  I didn't even know if we would end up with one decent picture.

The one above turned out ok, so I made it black & white and ordered a stack of them from mpix.

That is where my little amount of motivation pretty much halted.  I decided to stop complaining to myself and do the essential Christmas cards - great grandparents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my office in Miami.  Once I mailed those off and looked at the stack of pictures left over, I realized I should make a little more effort.  There isn't a lot I can do for Christmas this year for financial reasons, so I wanted to at least send these out.  I decided just to simplify.  I got a box of Christmas themed cards from Hobby Lobby (half-price sale).  I printed a simple message on the inside rather than personalized ones.  I stuck the above picture on the front and called it good.  This isn't my usual effort, but it was nice to do send them off like I typically do.  

One of my friends once told me that she doesn't like sending Christmas cards or Christmas letters because some people think you are bragging.  For the past few years, when I am sending out cards, I think about that and laugh.  I doubt anyone thinks that I am bragging about my life.  While I have many blessing and things I am happy about, I have very little to boast about.     

December Projects

This month, I ended up doing quite a bit of sewing and other projects.  The strange part is that I didn't take very many pictures.  In fact, I only took pictures of a few of the things I made before giving them or sending them off as gifts.  I made matching pjs for the kids to wear to Jordan's birthday party at the beginning of the month.  I also made pj pants for Jordan and a snowman skirt for Lexi.  I even sewed the dish towels below.

This year, I am very thankful that I started sewing a year ago and can manage a few projects.  I hope to develop this talent even more next year.  I guess that means many of my friends and family will be suffering through more of my homemade gifts.  ;)

Emotional Roller Coaster

This was the first weekend that my ex has taken the kids for more than one night since June.  In fact, over the past few months (years really) he often misses taking them all together even when he promised them he would come.  That is just part of who he is.  We are all used to it.  To be honest, I have really enjoyed that about him.  Sometimes when I think about the bad things in the marriage, I would at least be happy that he isn't a pushy dad.   I like to think that I may have missed the mark when it came to him as a husband, but he is the kind of ex husband I prefer.   

I always put my kids first.  Maybe giving them a little more of their own time is a good thing, but I don’t like to.  Family time is number one on my list.  Other than school, they are RARELY in the care of someone else.  I was even like that when I lived in California.  I hardly ever left them with my mom.  If there is a choice, I consistently choose to be with them.  I just like it that way. 

Needless to say, this was a very emotional weekend for me.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.  The rest of the time, I cried my eyes out.  I went to church today very exhausted with puffy eyes.  I felt overwhelmed by these emotions.  Lots of concerned people asked me about the kids in a polite way.  It was difficult to talk about them though.  I am good at keeping it together in those situations, but on the inside I was dying.  I think it is even worse that their dad has them again next weekend and for Christmas.  Fortunately (for me), my ex’s fiance will be out of town, so he’ll probably bring them over for a bike ride or something on the weekend.  He already said he would like to be over here for Christmas Eve & Christmas day, which is a huge relief for me.  I am also thrilled that he doesn't have any vacation time or he would have them all week.  If we played by the book, he could have them from the 21^st to the 28^th without me seeing them even once.  Typing that makes me feel like I have a hole in my heart and knots in my stomach. 

For these reasons, I hope that when he gets married and moves across town, he’ll go back to his usual ways.  I know that isn't nice and it is better for them to have an involved father, but it makes me happier.  If he doesn't, I’m sure I’ll start thinking about moving far away again.  Yes, I am a bit selfish like that, but notice I said start thinking about moving away.  I don’t have the money and I love living here.  I’ll also be dreaming about how nice it would be if he moved away.  His fiance has lots of family here and her own little business, so I doubt that will happen. 

In the last post, I wrote that I am feeling positive about the future.  I am also feeling deeply saddened about the possibility of spending less time with my kids.  No matter what, divorce is awful especially when you have kids.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I can only imagine how bad it is when exes can’t stand each other.  

Treat of the Season

This month I have had NO desire to bake or cook.  That isn't a good thing to happen to someone like me during December.  Fortunately, I have managed to be motivated by this little quick treat.  I saw the instructions for something very similar on Pinterest, but that was about as far as I got until a kind lady from church gave me a bag full of the treat made with pretzels, Hershey kisses and M&Ms.  They were a huge addictive hit for the kids and me.  I decided to make some with Rolos instead of kisses.  YUM!  The best part is that my little kitchen helper, Jordan, loves to help unwrap all of the Rolos.  

If you want to make them, use a cookie sheet to spread out the pretzels with either Rolos or Kisses on top.  Put in the oven at 350 degrees for ONLY 2 minutes.  Pull them out and press M&Ms on top of each one.  Cool and then you've got a tasty treat.  

Forgiveness Process

This past month has really thrown me for a loop.  When you truly believe that you have completely forgiven someone, it is shocking to suddenly find out that there is more baggage there to clear out.  In a way, I am glad that I have had a chance to dig in and figure this out.  This has been the main topic on my mind, so posting has become difficult.  I wasn't sure I should put it out there, but I am an open book and perhaps it will help someone else.  

Basically, it comes down to the fact that my thoughts and nightmares have been haunted by the past.  Flashbacks of horrible instances and many difficult to forgive acts in my marriage have been taunting me.  A good night of sleep has become a rare thing.  Almost every night, I manage to get to sleep, but right around 3 am, I am jolted awake by a nightmare.  This leads me down a path of thoughts and worry that doesn't allow me to rest again for several hours.  Of course, being tired has made me even sicker of the whole issue.  I decided to just be patient with myself and talk it out to many friends.  This is all part of the torture of divorce and tearing up a family.  All actions have consequences even when you weren't the main one at fault. 

My ex tells everyone that he is 100% responsible for what happened.  I would probably put it at around 95%.  I wasn't willing to hit bottom with him.  He had to hit that on his own after the divorce.   He has come a long way, but he has a ways to go.   

This morning, I didn't wake up until 5 am.  The best part was that I felt completely happy (tears of joy kind of happy).  I am actually thrilled that life gives people second chances.  I know the road is going to be difficult for him and his soon to be new wife, but I want to see them succeed and thrive.  I hope they can do that together. 

As for me, I am feeling very positive about the future.  I don’t know what it has in store, but working through the past only means things will get better.  Also, this little exercise in shedding burdens has made the scale my best friend.  Losing 10 lbs a month before my 40^th birthday means I am lighter physically as well as spiritually.