Lie To Me

This evening, I stepped on the scale and couldn't help but smile when I saw that it said 115 lbs. I have never been in love with an inanimate object like I am tonight (even though I know it isn’t true). I am 5’6” and not at all freaky skinny. I don’t think I have been that weight since I was a young teenager.

In fact, I have been eating HORRIBLE things lately. Last Wednesday, when Steve left, I was suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. He had just signed the first set of papers and it was a big step towards the end of our marriage. For some strange reason, I felt an overpowering desire for sweets and all things chocolate. We didn’t have any in the house, so I took the kids to the grocery store.

Part of me felt guilty, but I also realized that it isn’t a normal reaction for me. I am usually upbeat. I also don’t usually dive into comfort food as a way to make myself feel better, because I know it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I have been drowning in work and other things and have allowed this horrible pick-me-up tactic to continue. It is much easier to grab snacks and get to work then it is to take a half hour to an hour to exercise and get that high from good things.

So, tonight, I was expecting the scale to give me bad news. Is wanting to believe an unrealistic little lie such a bad thing? Right now, I think not. Tomorrow though, I'll be back to exercising for better highs.

Memorial Day Memories

Unlike most Americans, Memorial Day brings back memories of irises and my grandmother. No, she wasn't in the military. In fact, I was an adult before I knew that it was actually a day to honor veterans and it still doesn't feel like that is the purpose of the holiday for me.

For several years when I was growing up, Memorial Day was a day that we spent with my mom's mom. The day started in her garden. She always had lots of her favorite flowers, irises, there. We would gather bunches of them for lost loved ones. We went all over central Utah to visit several different cemeteries. It meant a lot to her to do that.

This year, we had a rather uneventful day. The kids and I went swimming in the morning, stayed home for naps in the afternoon, and then had our own little bbq. I guess it is a little sad that I didn't carry on the tradition, but the only relative that is buried anywhere near us is my dad. Somehow, dragging 2 kids to a crowded veterans’ cemetery on a HOT day didn't seem appealing, especially since I had taken them there a few months ago.

I don't feel too bad. They got to visit my grandmother's grave in the desert cemetery in New Mexico on the way back from California. She would have liked that.

Another Break

On Monday, Steve's boss asked if he would go to San Antonio to work on a project for the next 4 weeks. He'll be working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. He left yesterday. Lexi and I cried and cried as we said good bye and for a little while after he left. He was quite emotional too. Even though it was a sad departure, this little trip is quite a blessing for us both.

Yesterday, Steve and I went to the lawyer's office so he could sign some papers, basically acknowledging that he knows about the divorce proceedings. It was a heart wrenching experience for both of us. This process causes huge emotional swings and very little sleep. On a positive note, we had several good conversations on the phone and text messages during his drive. That helps me to believe we will be able to continue to be good friends.

I am actually so happy that he got to do this business trip for his sake. At the very least, he will have a chance to get some sleep in a quiet hotel room. Perhaps, he will even get to feel like a normal person again instead of a crazy guy stuck on an emotional roller coaster.

The separation also gives me a chance to work on getting our house ready to show for renters without feeling so guilty. I know all the preparations are hard for him to watch. Taking junk to storage and charity will be emotionally easier for me without him watching or helping.

Oh yeah, I should mention that we are planning to go visit him at least once during his trip. We both want him to spend as much time with the kids as possible.

The Plan: Moocher

When I went to California, I had one main purpose – to get a break. I didn’t have anything else in mind. In fact, I was only planning to be there for two weeks. It wasn’t until we were on the road headed there that I decided it would be nice to stay longer. Two weeks didn’t seem like enough. During our visit, my mom had mentioned that we were welcome to move there. I kind of laughed it off. She even said she was really going to miss the kids. I told her to “be careful what you wish for.”

I came back to Texas knowing that moving to California was an option, but one that I kept in the back of my mind. Unfortunately, things were worse here. It was obvious right away. I realized that I needed to start the divorce process faster than I had planned. California is the BEST option.

With all the changes that the kids are going through, my main goal is to find a way to avoid daycare. Their lives will be disrupted enough without having me go back to working full time (plus) and sticking them in day care all within a short time period. I want to minimize the impact on them as much as possible.

My plan is to put our place up for rent, pack a few things, and drive us out to California. I’ll keep working part time from home, pray that Steve pays child support, and basically mooch off my mom for the next year.

There is one thing that I have realized...even during this rough period in my life, I have many things to be thankful for. First, I love my kids more than life itself. They make all this completely worth it. Second, I am glad that I have a great place to go so that I have this option. I realize that my mom & step-father are making a huge sacrifice for us. Third, I have had many wonderful friends go way out of their way to be there for me. Fourth, problems can always be worse (or get worse) so I am thankful that things aren't worse at this time. Fifth, my company sent me a laptop, which just makes me happy.

Weekend of Meaningful Dates

This is probably a good weekend to have lots of emotional breakdowns. Today is my dad's birthday. He has been gone for about three and a half years. Then, tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Given the news I announced in my last post, you can guess that I am not celebrating either day. In fact, I am slightly happy that I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, have way too much to do and think about, and have a huge workload for the week. However, I do hope Steve and I make time to do something fun with the kids.

That brings me to the other thing that I am thankful for... we are not fighting. Most divorces probably involve lots of shouting matches, name calling, and hate. Ours is mostly about sadness and an agreement to remain friends. I truly hope we continue to pull it off. I think we both prefer for it to go like this, plus it makes it much easier on the kids.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Tomorrow, I am going in to sign a contract to get the divorce process started. I don't think the internet is the place to go into details. I'll just say that I have a VERY good reason. Divorcing someone, especially someone that you are still in love with and they are still in love with you, is EXTREMELY difficult (much more than I even imagined). However, you can only give someone a million chances before it makes you insane.

I am not trying to make light of it, but since I am on an ABBA kick and I am TIRED of being emotional:
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
There is nothing we can do
Knowing me, knowing you (ah-haa)
We just have to face it, this time we're through
(this time we're through, this time we're through
This time we're through, we're really through)
Breaking up is never easy, I know but I have to go
(I have to go this time
I have to go, this time I know)
Knowing me, knowing you
It's the best I can do

Just Like Muriel Heslop

When I was in California, my mom decided that I needed to see one of her favorite movies of all times – Mama Mia. She bought the movie and of course I loved it. In fact, we watched it several times and she even bought me a copy. She said that the movie makes her feel happy and I would have to agree. I think it is a combination of the ABBA music, fun characters, beautiful ocean water, the Greek island, interesting story line, and amazing actors. I’ll add a clip for fun:



During our drive back, we listened to my sister’s ABBA Gold CD and my mom watched the movie again on the DVD player. When we came to Houston, we watched Muriel’s wedding because I have a copy and my sister hadn’t seen it before. There is a clip in there where Muriel explains why she had been obsessed with ABBA music and basically it was because it cheered her up. When Muriel’s life got better, she stopped listening because her life was “as good as an ABBA song.” For more fun, here is a clip from that movie:



My life has been quite tough (things I don’t want to go into on the internet), so I guess this is a sign that I need ABBA right now. I have watched Mama Mia a few times and have started listening to my old ABBA CD. I think this is better than therapy. Ok, at least it brings a smile to my face and it is cheaper than therapy.

The Swine That Flew

We’re home and I think I should have seen the torrential rains that followed us from Fort Stockton all the way home as a bad omen. We were slip sliding our way across Texas with a few very scary hydroplaning incidents and times where we could only see a few feet in front of our vehicle. The rain didn’t even clear up once we arrived. It rained enough for severe flooding and school closures.

Now that the rain has subsided, the big issue in Texas is swine flu. Quite honestly, I’d heard the reports throughout our road trip, but figured that it wouldn’t come to our area in the suburbs. WRONG!

Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids for a walk right about the time school was letting out. There is a junior high about a block from our house. We have to pass by it to get out of our neighborhood. As we were rounding the corner, I saw news helicopters flying over the school. I thought that there must have been a car accident. We kept walking, but I didn’t see anything except kids excitedly leaving the school. I overheard one kid talking on the phone saying that the school was being closed because of Swine flu.

When we came home, I turned on the news to see if it was true & it was. I couldn’t believe it. Lexi decided that she wanted to break the news to her dad. She said, “Dad, the school is being closed because the swine flew.” She even added arm motions for effects. It is always nice to have a little laugh.

Unfortunately, my kids seem to be coming down with something. I don’t think it is the flu. I am guessing that Lexi has an ear infection and Jordan is getting a cold. Never the less, I’ll be keeping them away from everyone for a while until their immune systems are back to normal.