During the Day

My kids asked me what I do during the day when they are in school. They know I have a full time job, but they seem to think I'm lonely or bored or something. I decided to make a little video to show them. ☺

My 15 Year Old Self

This morning a friend on Facebook, that I've known in real life for decades that happens to be a lot younger than me (15+ years younger), posted a picture of herself when she was 15 years old. She wondered if her 15 year old self would approve of her so far. She married pretty young and has 3 sweet little kids. Her oldest is in kindergarten. Her husband has a good job and their house is quite nice. She felt pretty sure that her 15 year old self would be pleased. I smiled at the thought of her doing that and went on with my day.

About an hour ago, a mutual friend who happens to be somewhere in between our ages, followed in her footsteps. However, her life has been quite different. She also married young. In fact, she married her high school sweetheart, who turned out to be abusive to her and their kids. She is now re-married to a wonderful guy, but she is still dealing with the abusive ex's behavior towards the kids. I think it is safe to say that she feels she has been raked over the coals. Her conclusion was that her 15 year old self would be scared to death, but would be proud of her current self.

Because both of them did this little exercise, I wondered about my 15 year old self. It was quite a long time ago for me. I know that I thought I knew a lot more about life than I actually did. I pretty much knew everything. What a fun age! Well, I would NEVER have guessed that I would end up living in Texas, being divorced, being a single mom, having a career where I worked from home on my computer, and basically a million more things in life.

Even though life is a huge messy ball of twine, I am actually happier now than I was then. Mainly, that is because I simply crave independence. I couldn't wait to move out and be on my own. Now that I think about it, being a single mom is about the most independent you can be. I don't have to compromise or ever check with anyone about their opinions.

Many parts of life could be better. I always wanted kids, lots of kids. I feel blessed to have 2 amazing ones. They are a huge part of my happiness. Of course, I dreamed of my own knight-in-shining-armor who I would live happily ever after with. I still do. ..Maybe one day that will come true and I will even happily compromise on many things. My 15 year old self can just continue dreaming.      

Page 45 Says It All

Today, I came across something on the internet that said:

Pick Up the Book Nearest to You and Turn to Page 45. The first complete sentence describe your sex life.

I chuckled and thought, yeah right!  ...but I did it anyway even though there was a pile of books for youth. You can bet I was shocked how accurate this was.

Book 1: Aliens on Vacation by Clete Barrett Smith
Page 45: Oh no.  ** too true

I decided to try a few.

Book 2: The Vanishing Coin by Kate Egan
Page 45: He noticed the welcome mat again.  **not sure who "he" is & who might be welcomed again.

Book 3: The Giver by Lois Lowry
Page 45: But only one.   **very good advice

Book 4: Diary of a Wimpy Kid #8
Page 45: Ok, you know things are bad when even your little brother has more friends than you. **sad

Book 5: Elvis & Olive by Stephanie Watson
Page 45: Oops!  **Yes, I figured that out by now.

Book 6; Nancy Drew Diaries, Curse of the Arctic Star by Carolyn Keene
Page 45: She hit the button on the keyboard and grimaced.  *is this because I am avoiding online dating?

Well, there you have it. Perhaps the answer is to check out different books in the library.

Very Superstitious

Have you ever looked up what the #1 song was when you were born?  You can do that here:

Birthday Song


Apparently, mine speaks volumes:  Supersition by Stevie Wonder

Sharing Birthdays

Today is my birthday and like most of my birthdays since my daughter was born, I don't feel like mine is that big of a deal.  Her birthday was 2 days ago.  I am so busy making it a great week for her that I'm birthdayed out when it is my turn.

I started planning her party a few weeks ago.  She wants to have some friends over to eat dinner and watch a movie.  She chose the Book of Life, so we have a Mexican theme.  I created an invitation and emailed it out.  We'll be making enchiladas. I still need to make decorations and get stuff for the party. I bought a few gifts for her last Saturday.

On Monday, her birthday, I picked up donuts for her class.  For lunch, she requested Carrabbas.  I ordered that online and took it to the school to eat with her.  That night, I made lasagna and steamed carrots for dinner.  My son took the picture below that evening. We had a good time.  Now, I am preparing for her party this Friday.  I enjoy all the excitement for her, but I have very little left over to devote to my own birthday.

As a single mom, it is easy for mine to get swept under the rug.  My kids wanted to buy presents for me, but that would mean I would have to take them shopping and give them money.  I can't really afford to do that.  They make me sweet little cards and notes instead.

Don't feel sad for me.  I am also overwhelmed by the heart-felt messages on Facebook.  I love all of that positive energy.  Quite a few friends called and stopped by with gifts.  My work even sent cupcakes.  One dear friend gave my kids each a dollar to go to bed early.  They actually were down by 6:30 and asleep by 7pm.  --Best gift EVER!

2015 New Years Resolutions

A strange thing happened last year.  I really started believing in the power of writing goals or desires of the heart down.  I have been doing it for years, so obviously I believed that there was merit in doing it.  Last year, I unexpectedly became a huge fan.

In the months following my divorce, I wrote a list of goals or desires that I wanted to happen in five years.  The list included 2 things that I didn't really know how to work on, so I didn't do anything about them. To be blunt, I hoped I could get the loans on my townhouse and vehicle in my name only (not with my ex).  I was working part-time and was making the payments all by myself often without child support, but I was sure I couldn't qualify for the loan by myself.  After writing it down, I went about life and didn't think about it again.

Last December, the transmission on my car went out.  I had just paid it off, but the title was in both of our names.  I pouted a few days, but then went to Car Max and got a cheaper used car, which I did qualify for ALL BY MYSELF.  I still didn't think about my goal until a month later, when I got a call from my mortgage company.  They told me that the government has a program to help people refinance.  I told them that I had gotten divorced and wasn't making very much money.  I didn't know if I could qualify.  They told me that I should try, so I went for it.  A few months later, the townhouse was only in my name.  I did nothing to seek those things out, but within 5 years they came to pass.  Coincidence?  Maybe...but I believe writing them sparked it all.

Now it is 2015, and I definitely want to document my resolutions.

1.  juice

I am going to juice more often (3 to 5 times a week).  Maybe even do a 3 day juice fast every month or two.  I love juicing, but I have gotten out of the habit.  Every time I need a little motivation, I am going to watch Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead - 1 or 2 (http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/).  Love those documentaries!

2. de-clutter my house 

For my entire life, I have never lived the the same house for long.  I have always moved with-in a year or two.  I have never had to spring clean or purge the junk that tends to accumulate.  My de-cluttering was basically about throwing stuff out that isn't worth moving.  I have now lived in this house for 3 1/2 years.  It completely surprises me that we could have so much extra stuff when I am very thrifty.  My goal is to figure out how to de-clutter when the goal isn't moving.  

3. pay off credit cards

Now that I am working full-time and life has started getting financially easier, I plan to reduce my debts and save more.  That is pretty straight forward.

4. lift others

I can't even count how many people have gone out of their way to help me through these last few years.  I am often shocked and humbled by their generosity and kindness.  I want to do help others the way they've helped me.  I started donating blood on a regular basis.  It happened because I felt like I didn't have anything to give, but I am healthy and realized that is one thing I could do.  I want to keep looking for ways to spread kindness.

5. teach essential oil classes

I have learned so much and there are quite a few people calling me and approaching me to ask questions.  People are really starting to take an interest in essential oils.  Our blog, Essential Health Solutions, is blowing up.  In a little over 2 months, it has had over 2,000 hits and it is picking up more readers all the time.  I see more and more people turning to essential oils.  My local grocery store has more than doubled their shelf space for essential oils and those brands aren't even safe to take internally or use topically. I see more and more people getting excited and wanting to learn more.


I think that is a pretty good list.  I would like to think that sharing it makes me more accountable.  I have a few other more personal things listed in a notebook.  I guess those are more dreams/wishes.  For some reason, I feel like sharing those kinds of things that I have less control over will jinx them like a birthday wish.

Cheers to you all!  Happy New Year and may life take you where you need and want to go!

Better as an Old Friend

I have lived in this town several times in my life.  The first time my family moved here, I was only 16.  I had a whole year of high school here and made quite a few friends that I am still close to.  At least a handful of friends fit into this category. I love them dearly along with their spouses, kids and parents.  We go through phases where we see each other quite often and talk on the phone.  Then we'll go through phases where we don't communicate very much for a few weeks or months.  I have already put in the time and effort with my old friends so we can pick up right where we left off.  It is comfortable and we know each other's history.  I love sharing life with them.  I love knowing where they came from and seeing the progress and how well they handle the trials in life.  When we talk, they know that I am not that strange or only what I am right now.  They can see phases in life or why I am the way I am.

I also have other friends that I made during that time period that I am not really close with (mostly old church friends), but that I am thrilled to run into around town.  It is fun to catch up and even share an occasional activity.  Both types of these long term friends hold a special place in my heart and I feel like I am good at being their friend.  

On the other hand, we've lived here (this time) for the past 3 1/2 years and I've made quite a few new friends.  I think they are wonderful and I like them a lot, but I just don't feel like I am able to be a good friend to them.  At first, I wondered if it is because I feel so deeply for my old friends that it is strange to like the new ones.  It actually took a while for me to realize that some of the new people I spend time with are actually "friends." Now that I see that, I understand that relationships just take work.  

Sadly, I am stretched too thin as it is. In order to develop a friendship, it takes time and effort. The new friends want to talk more and hang out several times a week. I feel like I am being a little rude because I am just too busy.  Whenever we talk on a deeper level, it turns into a whole long conversation explaining the back story.  I don't mind sharing or listening, but it really isn't as easy as it is with my old friends.  Many of them are fairly new to this area and they are wanting to find people to do things with.  That is also difficult for me because I don't have money for extra things like going to lunch.  I also work full time and many of them are stay-at-home moms.  

I feel very fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I just hope that I am not failing them or making them feel like I don't care.    

60 Days of My Fitness Pal

A little over 60 days ago, a friend on Facebook mentioned an app called MyFitnessPal.  It is basically a calorie counter.  I have always heard that people who keep track of what they are eating tend to eat less.  That is a decent idea, but had always seemed like a pain.  Keeping track with an app sounded interesting, so I downloaded it. Almost every food item imaginable is on there, so you rarely have to calculate calories of what you are eating.  It only requires a simple search. Also, you can log into your account using their website if you would rather not use an app.

Once the app was downloaded, I added my current information like weight and height.  I also entered how much I want to weigh.  I put about 10 pounds less (thanks to the 5 lbs weight gain over the summer), which is my ideal weight.  If I had entered my dream weight that would be an additional 5 lbs.  I didn't really have a plan, but decided to start with that.

It also gave me the option to link with other friends (I could search for them or use ones from Facebook).  It is the community thing so we can encourage each other.  That may seem intimidating, but it really isn't.  It does not announce how much you weigh, what you are eating, or even if you gain weight in a week.   It does let them know things like "frecklefacegirl burned 237 calories doing 60 minutes of walking" and "frecklefacegirl completed her food and exercise diary for 11/12/13" and "frecklefacegirl lost 0.2 lbs since her last weigh-in!"  Yes, these are all recent posts. Notice how exciting that last one looks with the exclamation mark and everything!!!  Yeah, 0.2 lbs!!!  Pretty silly since a whole week had gone by, but it is something.  I have about 5 friends on there and they all seem to be progressing at similar rates.  I have read that the slower you lose it, the longer it stays off.  I hope that is true.

Sixty days have passed and with very little effort, I am 9.6 lbs lighter.  While I completely realize that losing almost 10 lbs in 60 days is no bragging matter, I'm glad that I am doing it.  I have eaten things like Halloween candy, a donut, and even gone out to eat.  I just make adjustments during the day to allow for it.  It also tracks Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Calcium, and Iron.  

If any one reading this wants to join, go ahead & add me.  I am using the name "frecklefacegirl." We can celebrate staying the same weight or losing 0.2 lbs together.

Emotionally Invested

This week, I heard that my step-brother and his wife are getting divorced.  To be honest, I felt genuinely sad.  I will not pretend to know any of the details about who is to blame and all that is going on.  In fact, I really don’t know anything.  I have only seen him 3 different times over the last 12 years.  Two of the times, he had his family with him and of course most of my attention went to his kids.  I think he has been married about 17 years and has 4 kids.  The one thing I always think about when it comes to divorce is the unexpected people who suffer with them.  I am guessing that both he and his wife are a little surprised by how emotional people get when they find out. 

When I got divorced, I was certainly shocked by how many people got dismayed by the news.  It was easy for me to tell close friends and family.  I had never really criticized my husband, but once I knew there was no other choice, I started sharing some of my pain.  The decision to get divorced wasn't that alarming to those near me.  The difficult part was sharing the news with casual friends, neighbors, close friends that I haven't seen in a while, and acquaintances.   It isn't easy to introduce this topic in everyday chit chat or contact them specifically to share the bad news.  After I filed the divorce papers and was preparing to move, I realized I just had to start announcing it to others.  Quite a few of them started crying huge heartbreaking tears.  In my tired and numb state, I found myself consoling them.  Even though I was walking around in a daze, I truly felt grateful to be surrounded by such caring people.  I felt loved.          

When I was in junior high, I remember crying almost all night long when I heard that a guy in the grade above me committed suicide.  I knew who he was and who his friends were, but probably nothing else.  I wondered if he would have committed suicide if he knew that his death would hurt so many people that he barely knew existed.  I was sure that if I was crying others were too.  I realized that night that our lives affect more people than we can possibly imagine.    

This evening, my aunt had a wonderful post on Facebook.  She got engaged after being divorced possibly 30 years.  I remember her divorce, but I was a child.  She is a beautiful, intelligent and successful woman.  My heart filled with joy when I read the news and saw the picture. 

Even when it is none of our business, as fellow human beings, we naturally feel emotionally invested in others well-being.  No matter how isolated we feel, we are never truly alone.  The world is full of people who care about each and every one of us.

Juggler of Life

It seems like I was doing so well at posting back in November and December.  Christmas hit & bam, that was it.  I didn't even let ya'll know that my ex called off his wedding right before Christmas.  He still spends quite a bit of time with her, as far as I know, but they aren't getting married. 

My ex & I were doing fairly well at being friends in December.  Now, we are back to our normal post-divorce selves.  That means that sometimes we talk and seem to be friends and sometimes we are pulling back and looking for distance.  We also get easily offended or annoyed with each other.  I know that quite a few married couples do that, but we never did.  In fact, in a way, it is quite amusing for me to experience it now. 

When we got divorced, I knew it would change our dynamics.  He seems to feel hurt or rejected at times and I often feel like he is a bit in my way and that I need to move on with my life.  This is mostly all in our heads.  It isn't like we hang out or talk all the time.  We're probably like every other divorced couple, well except the ones who desperately wish the other was dead.  I don't know why I am writing about this.  It is actually a small part of my juggling act.

I still have all of the normal things going on - housework, kids, life, friends, family, work, some consulting work, church, etc.  It just seems like all of those things have been on steroids lately.  Maybe not friends - I hardly see any of them anymore.  Spending time with friends and enjoying life was on my New Year's Resolutions (guess that has been a failure).  Work and consulting work have kicked up a huge notch, which sadly isn't leading to more money for the time being.  This is just my busy time of year for work.  My consulting work is probably pro-bono since it is for a friend that most likely will not pay in the end.  I agreed to help her because she is also a single mom and a lot of people have bent over backwards to make my life better.  This is paying-it-forward.

It hasn't been all work the last few months, my mom and step-father were visiting us for several weeks.  It was quite nice, but meant that some of my free time went to spending time with them.  Not a bad thing, but one more thing keeping me busy.  On the other hand, they handled most of the grocery shopping and food preparation.  They also entertained the kids a lot.  Maybe they actually made it so I had a little more time for work.  :S

I know this is all blah, blah, blah.  I feel like whenever I do see a friend and they ask me how things are going, I don't have much of an update.  I've been in a bit of a holding pattern since I moved back to Texas.  I am still not dating anyone (or even trying to).  I am still working for the same company that I've been with for 11 years.  I am still poor, but managing to get by with a little help here & there. 

Has anything changed????   Um... I did pay the last tuition payment for Jordan's pre-school.  He is all registered to start kindergarten in the fall, which makes me both thrilled for him and sad for me. 

Mainly, I feel like I am drowning, but somehow I keep surviving.  The longer this goes on, the more I get exhausted though.  Perhaps, I should call it a night and hit the sack a little early.  I will pretend that life will be easier soon.  Hopefully, I'll believe that. 

2012 Christmas Cards

I think I mention every year that I like to get my Christmas cards together and out the door in the very beginning of December.  That did not happen this year.  In fact, I struggled to get the motivation to do them at all.  I took the above picture in my backyard on Thanksgiving.  I dragged the kids out there, set up my point & shoot camera on a kitchen bar stool, and had to keep reminding the kids to look at the camera while the timer kept snapping pictures.  It was definitely not a thrilling experience.  I didn't even know if we would end up with one decent picture.

The one above turned out ok, so I made it black & white and ordered a stack of them from mpix.

That is where my little amount of motivation pretty much halted.  I decided to stop complaining to myself and do the essential Christmas cards - great grandparents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my office in Miami.  Once I mailed those off and looked at the stack of pictures left over, I realized I should make a little more effort.  There isn't a lot I can do for Christmas this year for financial reasons, so I wanted to at least send these out.  I decided just to simplify.  I got a box of Christmas themed cards from Hobby Lobby (half-price sale).  I printed a simple message on the inside rather than personalized ones.  I stuck the above picture on the front and called it good.  This isn't my usual effort, but it was nice to do send them off like I typically do.  

One of my friends once told me that she doesn't like sending Christmas cards or Christmas letters because some people think you are bragging.  For the past few years, when I am sending out cards, I think about that and laugh.  I doubt anyone thinks that I am bragging about my life.  While I have many blessing and things I am happy about, I have very little to boast about.     

Forgiveness Process

This past month has really thrown me for a loop.  When you truly believe that you have completely forgiven someone, it is shocking to suddenly find out that there is more baggage there to clear out.  In a way, I am glad that I have had a chance to dig in and figure this out.  This has been the main topic on my mind, so posting has become difficult.  I wasn't sure I should put it out there, but I am an open book and perhaps it will help someone else.  

Basically, it comes down to the fact that my thoughts and nightmares have been haunted by the past.  Flashbacks of horrible instances and many difficult to forgive acts in my marriage have been taunting me.  A good night of sleep has become a rare thing.  Almost every night, I manage to get to sleep, but right around 3 am, I am jolted awake by a nightmare.  This leads me down a path of thoughts and worry that doesn't allow me to rest again for several hours.  Of course, being tired has made me even sicker of the whole issue.  I decided to just be patient with myself and talk it out to many friends.  This is all part of the torture of divorce and tearing up a family.  All actions have consequences even when you weren't the main one at fault. 

My ex tells everyone that he is 100% responsible for what happened.  I would probably put it at around 95%.  I wasn't willing to hit bottom with him.  He had to hit that on his own after the divorce.   He has come a long way, but he has a ways to go.   

This morning, I didn't wake up until 5 am.  The best part was that I felt completely happy (tears of joy kind of happy).  I am actually thrilled that life gives people second chances.  I know the road is going to be difficult for him and his soon to be new wife, but I want to see them succeed and thrive.  I hope they can do that together. 

As for me, I am feeling very positive about the future.  I don’t know what it has in store, but working through the past only means things will get better.  Also, this little exercise in shedding burdens has made the scale my best friend.  Losing 10 lbs a month before my 40^th birthday means I am lighter physically as well as spiritually.  

Back to Me

I know that I have had a few posts about whether or not I should go back to using my maiden name.  Suddenly, this week, it feels right to do it.  For a while, I wrestled with wanting to share a name with my kids.  I wanted less confusion.  I have been using my maiden name for my work and Facebook, but my married name for personal life.

Recently, my ex has met and become very close to what seems to be the love of his life.  That is huge, since everyone else he has dated, he wouldn't even call a girlfriend.  They are even discussing the possibility of marriage in the next few months.  They introduced their kids to each other the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He has talked to me quite a bit about her and she seems good for him and very nice.  Lexi definitely likes her.  

To be frank, this new development has brought on a range of different emotions for me and even flashbacks of all of the crap that went on between us.  None of my feelings or emotions led to wanting to get back together not even for a second.  The worst feelings were about being a little angry that he gets to be happy now.  I know I was a great wife and 90% of our problems were caused by his issues.  He knows that too.  That little anger/pity-party for me kept re-occurring, but was fleeting every time because:

1. I have always wanted him to find someone first.  Before his mom died, she asked me to take care of him.  Even though the divorce broke a lot of the responsibility I felt for him, there was a part of me that still checked up on him.  Plus, I am often the only one he would talk to.  He has very little contact with his old friends.  When he gets down in the dumps, he completely shuts himself off from most people even me at times.  I know that if I moved on with my life, it would crush him even more.

2. I am where I need to be in my life and I am still making no efforts to date.  A lot of that has to do with being the best parent I can be.  I give all of myself to the kids and try to manage work, the house, finances, friendships, church, etc.

Other feelings include relief because I know he is happier.  When he is happier, things go better in his life and he is a good dad.  At times, I feel really worried for her and them.  He and I have had a few long telephone conversations this week.  I was open and honest with him and he told me he would share it all with her.  I have always said he has a great heart and infinite potential to be an amazing husband.  He has also come a LONG way in the last year or two.  I hope they are very happy and I am even looking forward to meeting her.

I just explained all of that to get to my main point.  I realized on Monday that I want to use my maiden name in my personal life too.  I will answer to either name and it will not bother me, but I suddenly feel like I am getting back a piece of me.  A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and is sort of being transferred to her.  It brings a bit of unexpected peace.  

Lifetime Friendships

One of my close friends had his 40^th birthday party this weekend.  I must admit that it is nice to get together with people in my age range before my big birthday hits.  It helps me realize that it is not such a big deal and that I’m very lucky to be living somewhere that I have so many wonderful friends.  I spent most of the evening catching up with another friend’s wife.   

By the end of the party, a group of us ended up standing around talking for a while.  Several of the guys got sentimental and appreciative of our long lasting friendship.  Sometimes I can't believe how many great friends I have had for over 20 years. Now, I can skip closer to my birthday feeling even happier for friendships that span a lifetime.  

3 Year Divorce Anniversary

Yesterday, at lunch, I realized it has been exactly 3 years since the divorce.  Of course, I made a celebratory announcement to my family.  In many ways, it seems like it happened long ago and this is the natural path of my life.  I have admitted many times that financial aspects have been and still are extremely difficult.  At this point, that has more to do with sticking with the same job and working from home, which is a topic on its own. Honestly, I don't mind being a divorcee, single mom, or whatever titles/roles that have evolved.

About a month ago, I was talking to another divorcee/single mom in my neighborhood.  She is coming up on her one year divorce anniversary.  We talked about how getting divorced throws your whole life, goals, future plans, dreams and ideas into a tailspin.  Most girls grow up with an image of how their adult lives will be.  Perhaps they want to go to college, get married, have a career, have 2 - 4 kids, live in a single family home, drive a certain vehicle, be a stay-at-home-mom, join the PTA, and/or just about anything.  One thing they don't want to think about is divorce.  When that happens, it is like a bomb goes off for your dreams.  At least that is what happened to both of us.  I was thrilled to be coming out of the whole thing with my two kids, but everything else lost its appeal.  There was no interest in hobbies, goal making, or career moves.  I functioned and kept going on just fine and often felt happiness.  However, now that I think about it, it sounds like underlying depression.

My friend asked me when this stage ended.  I wanted to tell her that it went away quickly.  I am not sure that it is completely gone.  I am interested in many things and hobbies.  I look forward to the future.  I just wish I had a little glimpse into it to know if some of these hardships are now just a part of my life or if I can move past these and on to bigger/better things.  Only time will tell.

Summer Trip

I didn’t have any big plans for this summer.  Given the fact that I am poor, I thought we’d have a summer just like last one.  We would just stay here.  We could call it a staycation since we enjoy our community pools, splash parks and parks.  We live in a community that has AMAZING pools that are open in the summer.  The HOA fees are high enough that I want to get whatever I can.  That was my plan anyway. 

One night about 2 weeks ago, my mom called and asked if she could fly the kids and me out to Cali for the month of July.  I was quite exhausted when she called.  It sounded like a nice offer, but too difficult.  She told me to think about it and we could talk the next day.  

When I woke up, I felt differently.  I realized it wouldn’t be fair to the kids to miss out on the opportunity.  Not only would they be missing the vacation to California, but my family is having a big reunion at Bear Lake, which is on the border of Utah and Idaho.  Many of my siblings, cousins & second cousins will be there.  My mom & step-dad are driving their RV, so we would be able to go with them.  Sadly, we don't even get to see my brothers very often, not to mention cousins.  It has been 2 years since I saw one of my brothers and 2.5 years since I saw the other two.  My kids should spend time with their cousins.  

I decided that the main hurdle was my work.  My boss has recently bought me a new laptop, but I needed him to buy several different kinds of rather expensive software in order for me to use it.  I also needed a new computer case.  The laptop is unusually large, so finding a case isn’t easy.  Anyway, I decided to ask if they had any objection to the trip and listed my concerns.  They thought I should go and got busy buying everything. 

The tickets are booked and now I am figuring out how to complete my to do list along with getting ahead of 2 big work deadlines, entertaining kids this week, and everything else I normally do.  Lately, I’ve been working on not beating myself up for dropping some of the balls I am trying to juggle.  In some ways, this trip adds stress and in others it greatly relieves stress.  It’s all good.  

A Little Therapy

I just came back from my first and possibly last session of therapy.  That sounds a little negative, but I think it just might have accomplished what I wanted it to.  Let me back up…

A week ago, my ex-husband called to ask me if I would go to therapy with him.  I was quite surprised given the fact that we’ve been divorced almost 3 years.  The two years I was in California, the kids and I saw my ex twice.  Even for the past year, it has been sporadic.  For a while, he regularly picked up the kids.  Back in September, October & November, we were hanging out together with the kids.  For the first month, I actually toyed with the idea of something more (Contemplating Complete Forgiveness).  He had made very impressive leaps to change and I wasn’t sure if I owed it to him or myself to at least consider it.  By the beginning of October, I completely realized that I just didn’t have ANY feelings for him.  We were even bickering more than we had our entire 6 years of marriage. 

By December, we were hanging out less and less.  When his company asked him to start working in different cities in Texas he sounded thrilled.  I felt so relieved, actually ecstatic.   Once again, I would have the space I had been craving.  The kids and I didn’t see much of him for January, February, and March.  When he was around and wanted to, I would have him spend his time with the kids and I did my own thing (usually clean the house and catch up on work – How exciting am I?).    

In April, he asked me if we could have a “talk.”  I said sure.  He came over one evening and after the kids were in bed, he told me that he is now completely committed to the kids and me.  I felt like I had to break-up with him again.  I clearly told him that I just want to move on with my life.  Quickly, he became an emotional wreck and said goodbye.  Later, he called saying that he felt like he was losing me all over again.  He was crying and really didn’t want an honest response from me, so I listened. 

His next step was to ask me to see a therapist with him.  He wanted someone to help us communicate.  I am not at all against therapy, but I had to smile considering that he is always the one that doesn’t want to hear bad news.  He asked me about a therapist that he has been seeing for years (mostly whenever I asked him to).  The therapist knows my mom & sister really well.  I agreed to one session in an effort to provide closure for him. 

It went really well as far as I am concerned.  I am sure he is crushed, but he was finally able to listen to me say that it is over for me.  I sincerely hope he can move on.  He has come a LONG way in improving himself, even farther than I had ever dared to hope.  I am sure he’ll be able to find someone that can love him, appreciate him, and build a life with him, but… it will not be me.  

Signs of Life

There is a peach tree in my backyard. The previous owners planted it, but never got to enjoy it. When we bought the house, it was still very young. I think I was only vaguely aware that it was a fruit tree when I moved to California. When I came back last year, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much it had developed. Sadly, it was struggling from the harsh drought we had last year. It still managed to produce quite a bit of small peaches all of which were eaten by birds and insects. Through the fall it lost all of its leaves and looked like a big dead stick. I figured that it was pretty normal for peach trees, but I couldn’t help but worry that it just might have suffered too much from the drought. I wondered if it would make it.

This last year has been a killer for me too. When I started planning to move back, I knew it was going to be difficult/impossible financially. To be perfectly blunt, my salary and child support together barely cover the bills (and some months not even that). Meaning, there is NOTHING left over for food, gas, Jordan’s pre-school, clothes, oil changes, doctor appointments, or even health insurance (my mom pays for mine – the kids are on their dad’s). I also knew that no matter how crazy it was going to be that it was the right move for us. It has been an incredibly frustrating and stressful year. Many times when I have felt like I am in the darkest pit, someone completely unexpected has thrown a Hail Mary to me that allowed me to keep one toe still in the game. While I am extremely appreciative and astonished that I have made it this far as well as I have, I am beat down and tired.

In January, I started looking for another job and truly exploring other options. I quickly got some great interviews and even offers. I had to politely refuse. Overall, it wouldn’t be to our benefit. Paying $15,000 a year to daycare, plus worrying about child care options for all of the expected overtime and travel actually means I would still be desperately poor. Why would I want to be away from my kids and not even better off financially?

For now, I am kindred spirit with the winter version of the peach tree. I want to believe that there is hope for renewal and joy. I have no choice, but to continue living on a prayer.

Not So Silly Crush

I have a gorgeous cousin that is about 3 years younger than me. She is a complete ginger with green eyes and a smoking hot body. I was thinking about her today and about the fact that she got divorced about a month after I did. Soon after that, she found the love of her life. They were married a few months ago and I am very excited for her.

Today, I was thinking about soul mates and what makes him her Mr. Right. Then I remembered that when she was a child, she had a crush on Dom DeLuise. I had to laugh because her husband is a bald professional comedian and possibly Italian (not fat). Then I wondered if we are much smarter about what we actually want when we are kids. I thought about a few others and when I got to myself I suddenly froze. I had a crush on Bo & Luke Duke. –Yuck! I am destined to be single, because there isn’t any way I would go for guys like that.  I don't even know why I am admitting this - too embarrassing!

Parental Tolerances

Parenting styles are extremely fascinating to me. For the most part, I believe that many parents are good at it in their own ways. While kids generally come with their own little personalities, they seem to quickly adapt to our parenting styles. In a family with only one child, this may be more difficult to pin point. A family that has several children with similar characteristics makes identifying learned behaviors from their families easier.

In general, I think a lot of it is a mixture of priorities and tolerances. We all have our own opinions on what is valued behavior, acceptable behavior, and intolerable behavior. Of course, the two extremes are easiest to spotlight.

For instance, I am quite strict when it comes to how my kids will dress, their willingness to eat what they are given/healthy foods, early bed time, sitting with restraints on in the car/stroller/grocery cart, not whining, and being verbally kind to others. When my kids act up on any of these issues, I react quickly and consistently essentially nipping it in the bud. Consequently, my kids have learned not to press their luck on these things.

On the other hand, there are things that I tend to encourage that sometimes need to be reined in. Some people might not know this, but I have a shy streak, which has mostly disappeared with age. I am also quite critical of myself. I often think that this can be a real draw back in life. I believe that an outgoing, sometimes assertive, talkative and friendly personality would be beneficial. Both of my kids certainly don’t have issues with being shy and overly quiet. In fact, it is quite the opposite. They are over the top. They like being the center of attention even in huge groups, which can be a great thing. It isn’t so great when they need to be a little more reserved and practically silent, like at church. Lexi is capable of quiet entertainment, but Jordan can rarely manage it. During these moments, I wish it was more of a priority for me.

I have friends that I consider fine parents that have completely opposite views than I do. I also have friends that value some of the things I do, but not others.  One of the reasons people can’t be perfect is that we can’t be on top of everything all of the time. I doubt that would even be helpful to kids.  They need to relax about a few things so they don't feel the need to rebel.  We all pick and choose our priorities and they help to shape our lives and our kids. This is just one more way that we are all different and it is wonderful.