Signs of Life

There is a peach tree in my backyard. The previous owners planted it, but never got to enjoy it. When we bought the house, it was still very young. I think I was only vaguely aware that it was a fruit tree when I moved to California. When I came back last year, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much it had developed. Sadly, it was struggling from the harsh drought we had last year. It still managed to produce quite a bit of small peaches all of which were eaten by birds and insects. Through the fall it lost all of its leaves and looked like a big dead stick. I figured that it was pretty normal for peach trees, but I couldn’t help but worry that it just might have suffered too much from the drought. I wondered if it would make it.

This last year has been a killer for me too. When I started planning to move back, I knew it was going to be difficult/impossible financially. To be perfectly blunt, my salary and child support together barely cover the bills (and some months not even that). Meaning, there is NOTHING left over for food, gas, Jordan’s pre-school, clothes, oil changes, doctor appointments, or even health insurance (my mom pays for mine – the kids are on their dad’s). I also knew that no matter how crazy it was going to be that it was the right move for us. It has been an incredibly frustrating and stressful year. Many times when I have felt like I am in the darkest pit, someone completely unexpected has thrown a Hail Mary to me that allowed me to keep one toe still in the game. While I am extremely appreciative and astonished that I have made it this far as well as I have, I am beat down and tired.

In January, I started looking for another job and truly exploring other options. I quickly got some great interviews and even offers. I had to politely refuse. Overall, it wouldn’t be to our benefit. Paying $15,000 a year to daycare, plus worrying about child care options for all of the expected overtime and travel actually means I would still be desperately poor. Why would I want to be away from my kids and not even better off financially?

For now, I am kindred spirit with the winter version of the peach tree. I want to believe that there is hope for renewal and joy. I have no choice, but to continue living on a prayer.