Ten Years Later

Why is it always the big anniversaries that make us reflect on life and what we've learned since then?  Ten years ago (Friday the 17th), I got married.  Of course, "we got married" sounds better, but after being divorced for almost 4 years, it is definitely "I" in quite a few ways.

At church this month, I have been invited to attend a special marriage class during Sunday school.  They are doing month long courses and filing us through alphabetically.  By invited, I mean not only is it my turn alphabetically, but they printed out a special invitation specifically for me and got substitutes to teach the 9 year old class that I am in charge of.  It seems a little awkward for me, as a divorced woman, to attend marriage class.  Mormons believe that families, specifically marriages, are the highest priority in life.  That is probably why they have a rather low divorce rate.  Last time I saw a statistic is was 20%.  There are 500 people in our ward (a.k.a. congregation).  I believe that there are only 3 women that are divorced.  One man is in the process of getting divorced.  There is also one lady that is in her 30s that has never been married.  We're definitely a minority.

I like to approach things with an open mind.  A couple was asked to teach these classes.  I know them and quite like them.  Each week, they cover a different topic.  The first one was communication.  The second was forgiveness.  Today, it was intimacy.  Next week is financial security/budgeting.  I have been attending the class and could easily feel like the odd man out.  Most couples are sitting together holding hands. There are always one or two women whose husband isn't in class for one reason or another.  I sit off to the side and they join me.  I don't really contribute to the class.  I just listen.

I have read a lot of self-help books on divorce as well as marriage.  All they do is confirm what I know in my heart, that I was an amazing wife.  Sure I annoyed him at times, but I did A LOT of things right and was more forgiving than I probably should have been.  He'll tell you that too.

Life has really changed over the last 10 years, but I truly feel like I am where I need to be and doing what I need to do.  Friends often ask me if I want to get remarried.  Even though I am not dating, the answer is definitely YES.  Who doesn't want to believe in that dream?  I see lots of couples making it work and so I know it can.  Cheers to a better future!  Maybe I'll even go on a date this year.  It would be nice to think a guy found me at least slightly attractive.

What's My Name?

Today, two different people asked me my last name and I couldn't answer.  Does that seem like a dumb blonde thing or what?  Fortunately, both of them knew both of the last names I go by, but wasn't sure which one I preferred.  Sadly, I don't know which one I prefer either and I've been divorced for 2 years.

On the one hand, I am probably leaning more towards my maiden name.  I am living in a place where quite a few people know my family so I'm classified as one of them anyways.  Plus, I've been using that name for work this entire time.  I started working for my company before I got married and it seemed like such a hassle to make the change, especially since I am marketing person who has lots of contacts.  It would affect my e-mail, business cards, etc.  Technically, it is not only my last name, but now it is officially my middle name.  My parents didn't give me a middle name.  When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name.  My first name, maiden name & last name are on all my documents (drivers license, passport, social security, etc).  Going back to only using my maiden name also signifies in my mind that I am single and completely in charge of my own life.  In a way, it is liberating but only in my mind.

On the other hand, there is a small part of me that thinks sharing my married name with my kids makes us feel more like a family.  I don't want them to feel even a little alienated by the divorce.  I wonder if by deciding to officially stop using our last name, it would send a signal that I am rejecting the name that is part of who they are.  Of course, that is probably over thinking it, but you get my point.  Also, I just don't want the hassle of officially changing it.  What a pain that can be.  

I've mentioned this topic of divorcing and last names before but mainly from view of the guy's new wife.  As far as I know, my ex isn't very close to that next step.  It would feel strange to share a last name with my ex if he has a new wife.

I guess on this one issue, I am still in limbo.  For now, I tell people that I'll answer to either name, but I just don't know what I want.  There may be a perk to being undecided.  It will be so much tougher for people to gossip about me when half of the people know me by one name and the other half know me by another.

Brother's Wedding

This weekend, my youngest brother is getting married. Sadly, the kids and I will not be attending. They live in the middle of nowhere Montana, which means that buying three plane tickets to their miniature airport would be very expensive. A long road trip isn't in the cards either. I just have too much work to take that much time off. This is always my busiest time of year. Plus, we'll be driving half way across the US soon enough when we head back to Texas in two months.

Having said all that, I really do wish I could be there. Family events are always a wonderfully hectic time and I am mainly sad that my kids will miss out on the fun. We are still making efforts to be part of the wedding and get into the spirit of it all.  Last week, Lexi decided that we should draw pictures of them getting married. Her masterpiece is above. As for my art work, I chose to dig deep and really get to the heart of their characters. I call it “Normal Girl marries the Mad Hatter.” - (remember that big sister = master taunter)

To be fair, I am posting a real picture of them.  I wish them the best.  The kids are excited to get another aunt!

By the way, none of my family members read my blog.  They are vaguely aware it exists, but they just aren't blogging people. 

Sister Wives

Those of you who have read my blog for a while might remember that I liked the show Big Love.  I was fascinated by it at least for the first season and most of the second.  Sure there were times, when some of the topics bothered me, but it was all part of the drama. 

When the new reality show about polygamy came out recently on TLC, I was mildly interested.  I don't really get into many television shows, but I figured that I would watch and episode or two of Sister Wives.  However, I can't bring myself to watch even a minute of it.  I happened to catch an interview that they did on the Today Show before any of the episodes aired.  The whole thing just made me sick to my stomach.  I can't even watch the interview again.

Unlike the majority of Americans, I have seen several polygamists.  There are quite a few of them in Southern Utah.  In fact, on our way back from visiting friends last February, we happened to see 4 young wives in the restroom at the outlet mall in Saint George, Utah.  They are easy to spot because they really do dress like the women on the compound of the Big Love show.  They have big poufy hair, braids, and traditional dresses.  Even Lexi noticed that there was something unusual about them.  We exchanged polite smiles.  The ones on the compound are raised that way and are used to being so different. 

I have also known of a few that try harder to blend in with the general population.  They dress normal, don't live in compounds, and have regular jobs.  Whether they live on a compound or not, even in Utah, they are considered weird.  I actually have a tougher time understanding why the women living more normal lives would agree to be a sister wife.  After watching the Sister Wives interview on the Today Show, I just can't see how any woman could find it appealing.  The worst part though was when he talked about falling in love with one woman and then another and then another and then another.  He made it sound like he just had to have these women because he fell for them.  Please!  It sounds like he has a hormonal problem.  I am definitely skipping this one.

**I should note that polygamy is no longer practiced by members of the LDS church (aka Mormons).  When someone decides to become a polygamist, they are usually excommunicated.

Roots of Envy

Lately, quite a few friends have shared news with me that made me feel happy for them and GLAD it wasn’t me. Of course, my two recently divorced friends that got re-married were on the list. When one of them shared the news, the only thing that popped into my head was… “You actually have to plan a wedding for a second marriage? What a pain!” Thankfully, I kept that to myself.

The other bit of good news was from a friend that is pregnant and about to have her third. She has two sons, one six months younger than Lexi and the other one is a little younger than Jordan. I would have thought that this might bring about feelings of envy since I wanted three kids, but no. Mainly, I was glad not to be pregnant. That really is such a miserable and uncomfortable state. In the last year, I have come to realize that I am quite happy with my two kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. I am just hoping that if I find a Mr. Right, that he will have a few young kids of his own.

Neither of these news flashes brought about feelings of envy, but there was some news from a friend about two months ago that hit hard. This friend had been offered a dream job with a ridiculously large salary in Italy. I would LOVE to live in Italy and quite a few other countries. I spent several days stuck in the pit of horrible envy (not the hateful kind, just the depressed & wished that was me kind).  Probably the worst part of it all was that the move wasn’t even wanted. How could that be? I just don’t get it.

To sum this up, marriage and pregnancy are not going to make me feel envious, but a life altering experience in a foreign country will. I guess some things never change.

Predatory Dating

Since my divorce, I have come across several chics in similar situations that are handling it quite differently. I like to call their approach to being single – predatory dating. It is the way I describe people (mostly women) that make getting married a number one priority.

I know 4 chics that got divorced about the same time or a bit after I did. Most of them had very valid reasons for getting divorced, which makes me a little sad with the whole marriage thing.  All four of them have decided that they were going to get married again ASAP. It is like they are on some crazy mission. Two of them have succeeded so far. Another one is in a relationship with "the one." The last one, whose divorce wasn't finalized until the beginning of this summer, is dating up a storm. She goes out 3 - 5 times a week with different guys. I am guessing that it is only a matter of time for her.

I realize that predatory dating isn’t completely odd. Everyone knows someone that likes to jump from relationship to relationship with little down time. I honestly hope it works for all of them, but I worry that being in a hurry could lead to rash decisions. Like they say, “Permanent decisions should not be made on temporary feelings.” With such a deliberate agenda, how can they be sure that they are not making the same mistakes?

I guess jumping back into it might be healthier than going the other way like I am doing. I just can’t get excited about dating. How do single moms (especially full time moms like me) find the time or energy to even put themselves out there?

My Divorce Disease

According to a study I read about tonight, divorce is contagious.  If you haven't seen it, you can read an article about it for yourself:

Is Divorce Contagious?

I doubt anyone will be surprised by their thoughts on the matter, but I HOPE that my divorce doesn't rock the foundation of any marriages. When my parents got divorced, the negative reaction from quite a few people from church disappointed me. My family had been faithfully going there for almost 10 years. Once they split, several adults (near my parents' ages) treated us like we had a disease. I literally saw a former friend of my mom's obviously go way out of her way to avoid my brothers and me right after she had seen us. I was about 25 years old. I guess some people think the kids can spread the disease too. I saw her several times again when I was in Texas and she still clams up and has NEVER said one word to me since. Weird, right? Perhaps, I should have gone out of my way to announce my divorce to her last year. hahaha.

I must admit that as news of my divorce spread there was a lot of sympathy for me and sadness for the situation. Discussing details of the extreme stress, financial burden, general future worries, dealing with lawyers, and all that goes along with the ordeal probably opened some of my friends' eyes to the fact that divorce is NOT as easy as many assume it is (even smooth ones like mine). There are many reasons it is considered one of the top stressors someone can experience in life. The stereo type that a lot of people do it simply because they fall out of love is probably an urban legend - or perhaps that kind of laid back attitude makes for a boring and stressless divorce. Most of my close friends in Texas that were there for me through this seem to have very solid (ideal) marriages and seeing me deal with this turned them off of divorce. -at least I hope it did.

However, there were friends (not in Texas) and a couple bloggers that reached out to me to say their marriages were on the rocks too. Some of them said they admired my strength for pulling out. In fact, a friend who got divorced a few years ago said that to me recently. She said she would still be with her "bum of a husband" if he had not walked away.

If divorce really is a disease, it is a HELLISH one that should be avoided any way possible. Fortunately, I didn't have a long drawn out, ridiculously expensive, no holds barred, full-on battle. Those kinds are normal though and should be enough to scare most bickering couples away. If you have a friend or sibling going through a divorce, remember to ask them about the things that will scare you away from catching anything harmful.

Lasting Love

For a while, I have been thinking that long lasting love is so wonderful. Isn't the idea of sharing your life with someone amazing? What could be better than growing old with someone and knowing most of the people in each other's lives and all of their stories? Believe me, I am all about adventure and crazy shenanigans in life. However, when it comes to romance and love nothing could be better than stability. Perhaps, that ultimate dream kept my marriage together for longer than it should have been. This week, we finally watched “Up.” What a cute story and it just happens to go along with this theme.

Anyway, when I saw this article: How to Make Romance Last, I had to laugh and do a quick post.

I am already in my upper 30s, so spending most of my life with someone isn't possible. I guess I can still dream of meeting a great guy someday and spending half of my life with him.

Serial Matrimony-ist

Like many of you, I saw the news about the 107 year old woman that was on her 22nd husband and was expecting him to leave her. If that happens, she plans to get married again for companionship. (article)

Being newly divorced, this story is extra bizarre to me. Right now, marriage seems very unappealing.  Perhaps because divorce is a very difficult thing to go through. All break-ups usually involve a range of emotions, but bringing expensive lawyers into the mix just makes it worse. I'll be paying for it for a while. Right now, getting married is the last thing I want to do. In fact, I am not even interested in dating. I guess I admire a woman that can go through that many divorces and still look forward to marriage.

He Surprisingly Changed His Mind

About three weeks ago, my husband was reading a book to Lexi and announced that he was thinking it would be nice to have another baby. I was absolutely stunned to hear those words come out of his mouth, because he has always been set on two. In fact, the entire time I was pregnant with Jordan, he made sure to tell everyone that he was done and that he wanted a vasectomy. So…his little announcement wasn’t taken too seriously. I figured that the next time both kids are screaming, he would change his mind. My response to him was that if we are going to have another one, we’d better not wait long because I am not getting any younger.

The entire time I was pregnant this last time, I knew that I did NOT want to be pregnant again. I even fantasized about mailing my maternity clothes to my sister-in-law. As soon as Jordan was born, I wanted another one though. This last year, I have been mostly on the fence. I’d say I have been in the 50 – 75% range of wanting another baby. Until Steve’s announcement, I would have said that he was mostly against it. To my surprise, he now has decided that he really wants us to have another one. He is even telling other people (family and friends).

For now, I’ve decided that I will not be ready to even think about “trying” until after my birthday, which is in January. At that time, I will be 36 years old and it might not be easy or happen quickly. We’ll see. In the spirit of thinking of a third, I decided to google the idea this morning. I found this amusing site: http://www.havingthreekids.com. It made me laugh.

Seven Year Itch

Seven years ago today, I met Steve. I can't say that it has all been easy. In fact, the first half of this summer was particularly rough. I spent a lot of time thinking about kicking him to the curb and of course he just adored my absolute perfectness. What's not to love, right?

A few years ago, I read an article about a study on couple's arguing. The main point of it was that people who have been married for 50 years still argue about the same things they did when they were newlyweds. Basically, you can yell at him for 50 years about leaving his socks all over the house and it will do NO GOOD. Overall, I find that kind of depressing. All those years of arguing and nothing ever comes of it. I think the seven year itch is just about getting a bit tired of the same old arguments. I also know that you can let yourself get worked up over things or just mellow out and let things go. Give them a few months and problems always seem less dramatic.

The point is that it has been seven years of mostly good and that is what counts. Since he is great at helping me around the house, I will continue to pick up socks and simply smile about it because I love him for now.

**For the record, I am way too laid back to worry about his socks. In fact, I have only jokingly mentioned it to him once.

Single Women vs Single Men

Last week, I saw a quick clip on the Today Show about being Single. They talked to 2 women, one in her 40s and one in her 50s. Neither of them were against marriage, but had never found “the ONE.” They both seemed fairly good looking, personable, and had interesting lives. The point of the segment was how tough people are on women who remain single for one reason or another. The topic got my blood boiling when they mentioned rude things that people say or assume about them like that there may be something wrong with her or that she is too picky.

I was 30 when I got married, which is 5 years older than the national average and 8 years older than the Mormon average. I also have friends that got married in their 30s or haven’t been married yet. Plus, I have friends that have been divorced. One thing I have noticed is that there are a LOT of great women out there, but there are not a lot of great men. Don’t get me wrong, I love guys. They make wonderful friends (often better than women) and I am only attracted to guys, but they are putzes. I think lots of my female friends settled, not necessarily for a BAD guy but just not as great as they are. I also think lots of my guy friends got REALLY LUCKY. I can only think of a few cases of people I know where the girl married up.

It must be true. Why do you think there is so much talk about women having to whip a guy into shape? Or train him? Or change him? Guys really are loveable, but being with them is a lot of work. You have to find one that ignites enough romantic sparks to make the tough job worth it. Sounds like I am talking about a dog, right? (training, lots of work, loveable) Well, men are often called dogs.

For the most part, I think women who want to get married, but are still single just haven’t found one that is worth all the work. The relationship has to be special or the whole thing will just crash and burn. Single women really are just avoiding the whole headache of settling for the WRONG guy. I don’t think that means they are too picky. It just means they are avoiding a whole difficult phase that would probably end up in divorce. I say we quit picking on single women & start picking on single men who don't have their act together... Or we can learn to be happy with the many different ways people choose to live.

Five Years

Our anniversary is on Saturday, but we are celebrating this evening because a friend offered to watch the kids while we grab a quick bite to eat. We haven't been out in a long time, so this is exciting for us. We are going to try out a little Italian place, which will not be quite a cozy as our first date in Coconut Grove. Things have changed quite a bit since then.

It has been five crazy years that included having 2 kids, moving 5 times including the big one from FL to TX, buying and selling a house, buying another house, losing my father to brain cancer and his mother to lung cancer, as well as all the regular marriage stuff. Talk about tough times! Ok, so overall it has been a fun ride.

I don't really have the time or energy for a tribute post, but we also don't have time to celebrate the 5th one right either. I guess we'll save up the thrill for the 10th one.

Sleeping Single

When you think of married couples, you don't picture them sleeping separately. The funny thing is that for us, procreation leads to sleeping apart. It started with Lexi. We quickly realized that we would both be better off in different rooms. Steve felt that getting a decent amount of sleep would help him to function at work. I liked being near the tv or computer so I would have something to do during late night feedings. Babies are sweet, but waking up in the middle of the night to sit in a dark and silent house is just not fun. I wanted something to keep me from nodding off. For the first few months, I slept in the guest room or on the couch.

When Jordan was born, there was no question that we would do the same thing. It started the first night we brought him home from the hospital. There were a few nights of being together at Christmas due to guests filling up the place. Other than that, my husband and I live as roommates. We hang out and talk for an hour or two after Lexi is in bed and then part with a simple kiss. It is starting to feel like we have been doing this a long time even though Jordan is almost 3 months old.

With Lexi, I was back in the bedroom right before the 3 month mark. Her sleep time started lengthening more and more, so it wasn’t bad. Then, she began sleeping through the night right at 3 months.

Even though I have used the exact same methods with Jordan, he still wakes up STARVING every 3 - 4 hours. I try to slip in the pacifier to coax him into sleeping longer and it works for half an hour or so. Maybe I shouldn't complain because once I feed him, he goes right back to sleep. I tried giving him formula one night to see if that would hold him over for longer, but it was worse. He woke up & screamed for 2 hours. That is a big deal for a baby who doesn't cry much. I guess since he was early, I should be thinking that this is more like 2 months.

For now, my hubby & I are roommates. He has nobody to snuggle with, but he can sprawl out on the bed. He can also get some much needed sleep so he can have the energy to help clean, cook, and take care of the terrible two year old. I'll just continue to carry on with sleep deprivation. Fun times!

Valentine Romance

Tonight, I am making my husband's favorite meal, lasagna and homemade French bread. There is nothing like onions & garlic breath to spice up your love life. Good thing we're having chocolate cream pie for dessert.

The Key To A Happy Marriage?

Several days ago, someone told me that her mom gave her the best advice ever. That advice?... "Never put your kids before your husband."

She said it with such sincerity and a longing for her mother who had passed away, so I just politely smiled. What I wanted to say was, “Are you serious because that sounds so 50ish?”

Fortunately, in this case, I know that this does not include a stand by your man whether he is a monster or not. Despite that, it is still hard for me to embrace this concept. Marriage is between two adults (well one woman & a man that needs some training). Both partners should be able to take care of themselves for the most part, where as a child has very real demands that can be quite time consuming. Just saying NEVER put your kids before your husband seems impractical.

I realize that it is easy to get wrapped up in motherhood and life. These things can take a lot out of a woman and leave her with little energy or enthusiasm for her husband. Romance and friendship that should exist in a marriage need to be kept alive. I am not a marriage expert, but I would like to think of it as more of a partnership. It is about going through life together. If you can keep your relationship strong, hopefully you’ll have someone there helping you with the kids.

Learning to Share

A year after we were married, we went to a wedding of a friend. We were seated at a table with a couple we had talked to over the years at various occasions. The wife asked us what was the hardest thing to get use to after marriage. Nothing immediately came to mind, but I am sure we came up with a few joke answers. Finally, she told us that the answer is supposed to be "sharing a bathroom." We just laughed and told her that we don't share. Both the husband and wife looked at us like we were crazy. We explained that Steve uses the "guest bathroom" and I use the "master bathroom." They could hardly fathom the idea. I guess sharing the master bathroom is something that married couples just HAVE TO DO.

For the first time in our marriage, we are actually sharing the master bathroom. What's more, is that we have a 1/2 bathroom downstairs for guests and another full bathroom for Lexi and the future baby boy. We could continue this no sharing thing if we wanted to. Perhaps, I should contact friends about this development in our marriage so that they can pass the message on to that couple. I think they would be so proud. I must admit it isn't tough though. Then again, I don't have to get ready for work in the mornings. Maybe that is considered cheating...

Fourth Anniversary

It has been a long time since I posted any personal pictures, but today is a special day. I decided that it called for a special picture – the first picture I ever posted on a blog. Ok, so that isn’t the only reason it is "special." It was of our anniversary dinner at the Melting Pot two years ago today. It was only a few weeks later when I discovered that I was pregnant. Yes, it was one of the last evenings of complete non-parenthood. Can’t you just see the lack of responsibility shining in our eyes? We didn’t know what we were missing.

I am feeling too tired to dig up wedding photos or recount anything sentimental. Perhaps, next year I will when we hit the big "Fifth Anniversary" and I will not be pregnant.

Giving Your Man What He Wants

On the radio yesterday morning, the DJs left a little teaser before going to commercials. They said, "Up next, we'll tell you what men secretly want for Christmas." Naturally, my mind started mulling that over. I started thinking about a magazine article that had tips on this issue. It said women should dress up in sexy little Miss Santa outfits to really please their lovers. Another one said that single men prefer kisses that taste like alcohol, while married men prefer peppermint. I always find these tid bits of information amusing, so I wondered what the DJs had come up with. Finally, they announced that 70% of men are secretly hoping their significant other will get them tickets to a sporting event. I couldn't help but chuckle, because that is so true.

I toyed with the idea of getting Steve tickets to a game for a second, but my Christmas shopping is finished and he is well taken care of. I went about my normal day, until my boss offered me his tickets to the Heat game. Lucky Steve got his secret Christmas desire last night. I even invited one of my friends, so he was with 3 chics. Now, that is the perfect Christmas gift.

Tags: Heat Game, Perfect Guy Gift

Tag Team

Before a couple has a baby, the wife automatically thinks that her husband and her will have a parenting partnership. While that is true, nobody bothers to warn her that her husband will form a tag team with the baby that will be stronger than their partnership.

The other night, I was talking on the phone with a good friend who has a 5 month old baby. As she was finishing up feeding the baby, her husband walked in and asked what was for dinner. I laughed and said, "If it is not one, it is the other."

It is amazing how true that is. When one is done with you, they tag off so the other one can take a turn. Since Lexi has been ill, a good night's sleep has been non-existent for me. She showed great improvement yesterday, so I was looking forward to an uninterrupted night of snoozing. Alas, it was not meant to be. Although she slept peacefully, Steve woke up at 3:00 am with a horrible hacking cough attack. See... if it is not one, it is the other. I just know that they are out to get me.

Tags: tag team, dads and babies