Back to Me

I know that I have had a few posts about whether or not I should go back to using my maiden name.  Suddenly, this week, it feels right to do it.  For a while, I wrestled with wanting to share a name with my kids.  I wanted less confusion.  I have been using my maiden name for my work and Facebook, but my married name for personal life.

Recently, my ex has met and become very close to what seems to be the love of his life.  That is huge, since everyone else he has dated, he wouldn't even call a girlfriend.  They are even discussing the possibility of marriage in the next few months.  They introduced their kids to each other the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He has talked to me quite a bit about her and she seems good for him and very nice.  Lexi definitely likes her.  

To be frank, this new development has brought on a range of different emotions for me and even flashbacks of all of the crap that went on between us.  None of my feelings or emotions led to wanting to get back together not even for a second.  The worst feelings were about being a little angry that he gets to be happy now.  I know I was a great wife and 90% of our problems were caused by his issues.  He knows that too.  That little anger/pity-party for me kept re-occurring, but was fleeting every time because:

1. I have always wanted him to find someone first.  Before his mom died, she asked me to take care of him.  Even though the divorce broke a lot of the responsibility I felt for him, there was a part of me that still checked up on him.  Plus, I am often the only one he would talk to.  He has very little contact with his old friends.  When he gets down in the dumps, he completely shuts himself off from most people even me at times.  I know that if I moved on with my life, it would crush him even more.

2. I am where I need to be in my life and I am still making no efforts to date.  A lot of that has to do with being the best parent I can be.  I give all of myself to the kids and try to manage work, the house, finances, friendships, church, etc.

Other feelings include relief because I know he is happier.  When he is happier, things go better in his life and he is a good dad.  At times, I feel really worried for her and them.  He and I have had a few long telephone conversations this week.  I was open and honest with him and he told me he would share it all with her.  I have always said he has a great heart and infinite potential to be an amazing husband.  He has also come a LONG way in the last year or two.  I hope they are very happy and I am even looking forward to meeting her.

I just explained all of that to get to my main point.  I realized on Monday that I want to use my maiden name in my personal life too.  I will answer to either name and it will not bother me, but I suddenly feel like I am getting back a piece of me.  A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and is sort of being transferred to her.  It brings a bit of unexpected peace.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last week, I decided to go back and read my Thanksgiving post from last year.  I realized that my list of things that I am thankful for is exactly the same this year too.  Actually, I'd just get rid of the the last one.  While part of me realizes that it is just a great list, my heart sunk because I feel stuck in a sad little loop of my new life as a poor single mom.  I allowed myself to have a little pity party one day and then that was it (ok a few additional moments of despair here & there).

Today, I choose to smile because I am simply tired of feeling hopeless and sorry for myself.  Life goes on and I am thankful for all that I do have, but mostly I am thankful for wonderful people.  I feel blessed to have extraordinary kids, a fantastic family, amazing friends, and an exceptional boss.  Without them, I really would be hopeless.

Happy for my Cousin

I have been very grateful this month that others have gone out of their way to help us.  Whenever I catch the news, I am often saddened by the cruel or horrendous acts that people have done.  This month, I want to remember that there are many who are filled with loving hearts.  My cousin posted this clip of her son & family on Facebook:

Lifetime Friendships

One of my close friends had his 40^th birthday party this weekend.  I must admit that it is nice to get together with people in my age range before my big birthday hits.  It helps me realize that it is not such a big deal and that I’m very lucky to be living somewhere that I have so many wonderful friends.  I spent most of the evening catching up with another friend’s wife.   

By the end of the party, a group of us ended up standing around talking for a while.  Several of the guys got sentimental and appreciative of our long lasting friendship.  Sometimes I can't believe how many great friends I have had for over 20 years. Now, I can skip closer to my birthday feeling even happier for friendships that span a lifetime.  

Lice Prevention Fanatic

A little over a year and a half ago before I moved back to Texas, one of my good friends here quickly became a lice expert.  She would treat it, but it kept going around her school and coming back again.  She ended up doing a lot of research on the internet and driving herself half insane trying to completely rid her family of this problem.  I remember her horror stories too well. 

For some strange reason, I started talking about lice two weeks ago to another friend.  We were talking about how horrible it would be.  Like me, she has long hair and so does her daughter.  She commented that she would probably go to a specialist and pay the $500 for them to get rid of it.  I didn't know that was an option, but realistically, it is not an option for me to pay that kind of money.  I was just glad that I hadn't heard of any cases. 

Last Monday, I decided to shave Jordan’s hair.  I had been thinking about letting it grow a little since winter is coming, but I pulled out the clippers and buzzed it off without even thinking about it.  On Thursday, I was so glad I did.  I got a note from his school saying a child had lice.  All the kids were checked, but they wanted us to keep an eye out.  Suddenly, I was so thankful to have a son that is too energetic to cuddle or lie down where other kids have been lying.  Good thing, they don’t have nap time for his age at pre-school. 

My alert level was definitely kicked up another notch this weekend when a friend whose kids attend a neighboring elementary told me that her daughter got lice last week.  She said that the best treatment is olive oil in a shower cap for about an hour and using a flat iron.  The chemical shampoo sold at the store is not only very harsh, but the lice have become resistant to it.  She also recommended tea tree oil.  I already use tea tree shampoo for the kids, so I didn't think too much about it.  She lent us one of her flat irons in case we would need it. 

I made sure to wash Lexi’s hair with tea tree shampoo last night.  Another good practice that I already do is that I RARELY let Lexi go to school with her hair down or even in a pony tail.  I was feeling pretty safe.

This evening, I took the kids on a walk.  We saw one of my neighbors/friends and I asked her how she was doing.  She said, “Horrible!”  Then, she proceeded to explain that she just noticed her daughter in 4^th grade came home with lice.  I told her about the olive oil and cap.  As my kids and I walked home, I decided to kick up my lice prevention a notch. We headed to the grocery store and bought 2 bottles of tea tree oil (one for us & one for my neighbor).  My kids will get a little drop on their necks every morning.  Lexi will also not only have a braid; her hair will be up in a bun.  I'll have to get creative.  I have cautioned her about hugging other kids and laying her head on their shoulders.  Sadly, this is no time to be affectionate.    

Veterans' Day 2012

It is coming up on 4 years since I last went to the cemetery that my dad is buried in.  Lexi had early dismissal from school on Friday, so I decided that it would be the perfect time to head up there.  Even the weather was nice - sunny and warm.  I definitely wanted to avoid going there this weekend or even tomorrow.  Since he is in a Veterans' Cemetery, I knew it would be packed.

My kids never met my dad.  Lexi was born almost 2 months after he passed away.  I probably would have enjoyed the peace and quiet of visiting the cemetery by myself, but I think it is vital for kids to understand their connections to family members both alive and deceased.  It is also essential for them to get a glimpse of the numerous graves of soldiers that truly cared about this country.  I am sure the significance of the moment did not sink in fully, but kids (and adults) learn bit by bit.  I hope they are gradually building a realization that they will come to appreciate one day.         

More Cousins for Lexi & Jordan

My brother, Chris, and his wife, Julia, are expecting twins as you can see in the picture above.  They have been married for over a year and have had trouble getting pregnant.  Fortunately, they went to a fertility clinic in Salt Lake and are expecting two.  That makes 11 grand-kids for my mom.  Currently, the youngest grand-child is about 7 months younger than Jordan.  When you have to wait a while (about 5 years) until another one (or 2) comes, it is even more exciting.

Just Vote

Since it seems like the whole world is taking to Facebook to express what they are thankful for as well as presidential candidates, I'm going to dedicate this post to both topics.  For the record, I voted 2 weeks ago in the early voting.  It is off of my To Do List.  Voting early has made it easier for me to ignore all of my strongly politically opinionated Facebook friends.

This year, I am thankful to be living in a state that is clearly not a swing state.  When I lived in Florida and California, the months leading up to a presidential election were torturous.  Getting bombarded by political ads, mailers, hand-outs, signs and is rather horrific. 

Several years ago, I got to see local political corruption at its worst.  I witnessed it at the City of Miami Beach.  It left me sick to my stomach for a few months.  Ever since then, I have an aversion to the whole system although I recognize that Miami is known for their corruption and it shouldn't taint my view of all politics.  Don’t get me wrong, I see the value of the government and I appreciate what they do.  I just hate politics – even office politics. 

This year, I am happy I live in Texas.  We all know who is going to win here, so the candidates don’t even bother to campaign to Texans.  Maybe they do a little, I don’t have cable or even local television channels.  Almost all of the bumper stickers and signs that I've seen have Mitt’s name on them.  I haven’t even received anything in the mail. 

I don’t consider myself a Republican or a Democrat.  I like to look at the issues and vote for the candidate I like best.  A few months ago, I took one of those online matching tests that identifies which candidate lines up with your views best.  It was back before the Republicans had picked their candidate.  The results were that 77% of my views were shared by Mitt Romney and 75% of my views were in line with Obama all of the other Republican candidates were a distant 3^rd, 4^th, 5^th, etc.  I just laughed, so much for Romney & Obama being polar opposites. 

I think that is as far as I want to go with my political talk.  I am not here to convince you to vote for either candidate.  I believe that we give too much credit to the office of president.  Whoever wins will not have nearly as much power as we believe they will unless congress sides with them.

This post isn't over yet, I do want to mention our celebrity sighting.  It has been a while since I posted one of these:

Photo from Oprah's Magazine

My kids happen to be rooting for Mitt Romney, because he goes to church with my mom in La Jolla, California.  He is there almost half of the year.  My mom, the kids and I have been around him and his family.  First of all, his hair really is that thick.  He also LOVES his grand-kids more than you hear/read about in interviews. They sit in his lap at church and adore him.  He is very cute with them.  I’d say more than most men in his generation.  He is very funny and personable.  

People often talk about his handsome sons.  It is true, they are.  However, the thing I remember the most was how absolutely GORGEOUS his daughter-in-laws are, especially the mom of the two on the far left (one standing & one waving).  Sadly, I can't tell you her name.  I am better with faces.  She is a complete knock-out.  In fact, she is so perfect that you would expect her to be the biggest snob you've ever met.  I was pleasantly surprised by how genuinely nice she is.  She, her husband and kids ended up living in the Romney's La Jolla house for one summer while we were living in California.  Her sons were in the nursery at church with Jordan so I saw and talked to her quite a few times.  

By the end of today or maybe in a few days, we'll know if Lexi & Jordan can say they met the president.  

Overwhelmed with Gratitude

As my kids lie sleeping tonight, I am overcome with gratitude for the kindness of church members.  I haven’t exactly kept it a secret that I am struggling financially.  On the other hand, I am rather independent and truly feel that for the most part we are doing fine.  When anyone asks, I usually say we’re getting by.  Of course, I constantly pray to have our needs met and for us to make ends meet.  This way of life is stressful to say the least. 

Now, I am about to admit something that I am quite embarrassed about, but it is necessary for the post.  I hate to say it, but my kids have been sleeping in toddler beds all this time.  Jordan is about to turn 5 and he is really tall for his age.  Lexi is going to be 7 in a few months.  They have completely outgrown the little beds (a while ago), but I didn't know what to do.  I struggle to buy the essentials, so even looking around at garage sales or thrift stores wouldn't help. 

Last Sunday, two men from church that come to check in on us every month (a.k.a. Home Teachers) asked their usual question, “Do you need anything?”  As usual, I said, “We’re fine.”  This time, they broke it down.  “What about food?”  I said no.  “What about clothes?”  I said no.  Then, they asked, “What about furniture?”  Suddenly, I felt a spark (you could call it a light bulb moment).

I wanted to approach the topic without any urgency, so I said, “If you happen to know of anyone that has twin beds that they are giving away, we could use them.”  I explained that the kids were still sleeping in toddler beds and that we were ok, but that it would be nice if we could get a twin bed or two in the next few months.

They called me on Friday to ask if I would be home on Saturday.  They had two twin beds for me.  Apparently, they had sent out an e-mail to all of the men/families in the congregation (a.k.a. ward) letting them know someone was in need of twin beds.  One of the men responded.  His wife had seen the e-mail and wanted to give the matching twin beds from their guest room.  They felt that the beds could be put to better use.  I am pretty sure they used them for visitors and were just being generous.  They certainly don’t know me well enough to feel any kind of obligation or duty.

I am quite overwhelmed by their kindness.  First of all, these are very nice beds with perfect mattresses and they were not cheap at all.  Even if I was financially ok, I would not have been able to afford these.  I know that the family who gave them to me did it out of pure goodwill. 

The charitable acts didn't stop there.  I didn't have any sheets or blankets that were twin sized, but I wasn't about to say anything.  I decided that we would just make do with the queen sized ones that I have in my linen closet for now.   I was telling my second mom/friend about the beds.  She asked me about sheets and I admitted that we would have to make do.  She went right to work going through her closets to pull out sheets and blankets for me.  She came up with two sets of sheets for Lexi’s bed and a blanket.  She also found a blanket that was still in the package for Jordan.  It was even his favorite color, orange.  She didn't have any sheets to match for Jordan, so she actually went out and bought a set. 

I sit here thinking about how completely amazed and grateful I am for the compassion that we've been shown this weekend.  It is truly like Christmas here.  My kids are thrilled and we've all learned something about great acts of kindness.  I definitely hope to either re-pay them or pay it forward as soon as possible.  

Pretending to sleep

Blog Neglect

Looking over my blog the last few days, I have realized how sadly neglected it has become.  There are always a million excuses.  I could point at the fact that I am just really busy with taking care of the kids, working, taking care of the house, church, and spending a little time with friends.  Sometimes I think that nothing too exciting has been going on, so I have nothing to say.  However, when I get together with friends or acquaintances, I managed to talk a lot (as in running my mouth too much).  Perhaps, I get too much quiet downtime and I need a little bit of an outlet. 

In light of that, I have decided to give this blog a lot more attention over the next month or so.  Hopefully, posting will become more of a habit.  Here is to at least a month of more posting, whether my rambling thoughts are boring or not.  

Halloween Costumes 2012

After my last post, I hope you didn't think Lexi was the only one who got a fun costume.  Jordan has been talking about being a vampire for a whole year.  I made his cape and pants.  My mom bought his vest in Romania when she was there last month.  It is a little difficult to see, but it has leather and is lined with fur.  

As usual, I got in on the fun too.  I decided to be a character from Pride & Prejudice & Zombies: