Friday & Some Thoughts about Big Love

As I've written before, Big Love is by far my favorite thing on television. Thanks to Emily mentioning HBO On-Demand, I have now watched all of the episodes. I have never really gone into detail about some of the reasons why I like the show and now I don't have to. Blurbomat has done it for me. The only thing that I would have added was that I think Heather (Tina Majorino) must either be from that region or spent a lot of time there while filming Napoleon Dynamite because she does an amazing job of representing what is commonly called a Molly Mormon. All you non-Mormons had no idea that these strange characters are based on real representations of people in the region. Ok - so both Napolean Dynamite and Big Love focus on the some of the most bizarre people there, but they do exist. I recommend you take a trip to Utah to experience a different way of life, not to mention the beautiful region.

So, other than that - all I have to say today is HAPPY FRIDAY! Oh & have a great weekend.

Losing Nanny McPaige

My mom has lured our sweet Nanny McPaige away from us with promises of a car and exciting life in San Diego. How can we compete with that? Sure staying home with Lexi all day is uber-thrilling, but at 18 (almost 19) girls just want to have fun. Can't she see the fun in keeping my house tidy, watching tv, playing on the internet & taking walks day after day after day? It is hard to imagine that a glamorous life in California with a mom, who is tired of her empty nest and ready to spoil her little baby, can be better than slaving away at our house in Miami.

At any rate, my task for this month is finding a good daycare. Of course, I have a list of things I am looking for. On top of the list is a place that loves kids, is safe, fun, and clean. I am also hoping that it is near my work, doesn't cost an arm & a leg, and allows me to show up during my lunch break most days. Tall order, right? I am on the hunt.

Seriously Sleepy

I can't remember when the last time I had a good night's sleep, but I am guessing it would have been back in October. Overall, that was a good time, at least that is how it seems now. During that time, I was in the mid stages of pregnancy and wasn't too uncomfortable. My father wasn't quite at the end of his rope (near though). Most of all, I didn't have an insanely active baby. Seems like nothing special, but memories of sleep are practically fantasies.

Sometimes life has to push me up against a wall and beat me down before I realize a change is in order. I can be stubborn. The time has come (should have been a while ago) for me to transition Lexi from the pack-n-play in our room to her crib in her room. I let it go on for far too long for many reasons. I guess I could break it down into these excuses:

1. She stirs a lot in the night & sticking a pacifier in her mouth usually calms her & it is easier to roll over than get up & walk into the other room
2. I felt guilty about going back to work & not spending as much time with her
3. I like the thought of her being near

On the other hand, having her in the room means that I wake up every time she moves, which is a LOT. The combination of emotional stress and sleeplessness over the past few weeks has been more than I can handle. This morning, at 3:30 am, Lexi woke up starving. I fed her and tried to get her to go back to sleep, but she was a champion sleep fighter. Finally, I put her into her crib and climbed into my bed. I was able to sleep while she acted like a wild child (no crying or moaning just rolling around). It took a lot, but I have finally learned my lesson.

Messy Baby Club

When life bogs you down, you just have to realize that relishing silly moments is the key to happiness. Last night, Lexi got to try carrots. You can't tell from the picture, but she slurped them down. The mess was caused by her rubbing the bib on her sore gums in between spoonfuls. When she got done with the carrots, it was on to rice cereal. That caused the crusty flakes on her face (not boogers). It was all so funny, that we couldn't help but laugh. She got a real kick out of our laughter because if there is one thing that defines her personality it is the desire to be the center of attention. She is a real ham - just like her dad.

Re-Thinking Organized Religion

Six months ago when my father died, people from church helped plan and organize the ceremony, printed programs for the services, brought us army sized meals everyday, and planned a huge dinner after the funeral. Everything was taken care of and we just had to show up. Plus, all of us had a small part in the ceremony. I said a prayer. Growing up in the Mormon Church, I never thought about what non-church people do for funerals. I took it for granted that people pitch in and help you do everything.

Over the last two weeks, I have learned that quite often this is not the case. A couple of family members helped, but it is nothing compared to the breeze that my father's funeral was. When I talked to my brother about this, he laughed and said "Isn't that enough reason to start going to church again?" I just laughed. That is one thing about Mormons, they never give up on what they call "fellowshipping" someone into coming back to church.

All in all, the services were nice. The weather was hot and muggy, but a little breeze picked up. The chaplain welcomed us all. Steve's brother read a poem. I read a poem. My sister read a short story. The chaplain spoke for a little while. Finally, Steve got up to talk about his mom. He struggled through the first paragraph and then totally broke down. He tried a couple of times, but the chaplain came to his rescue and read the rest of what he had written. After the services, I picked up the food and met everyone back at the house. We had a simple meal of deli sandwiches, salads, chips, sodas, etc. There was no sign of the all too famous & yummy "funeral potatoes" that Mormons always have. I guess that was my fault. Oh well, it was nice anyway, but I am exhausted from all of the work. From now on, I vow to pitch in for funerals, especially whenever I hear of one of my non-churchy friends are in charge because it is tough. I'll even try making funeral potatoes.

Lexi's First Tooth

When I got home from work yesterday, I fed Lexi and then played with her. As I tickled her, she gave me a huge smile and I noticed that her first tooth just cut through the gums. I couldn't believe it. All babies move through the stages too quickly, but why is she a few steps ahead every time? She is going to be 5 months old in a few days. The first tooth should be in a month or so. I want to be able to enjoy every moment, but I guess I just have to adjust to light speed.

MIL's Obituary

Susan, age 60, passed away from cancer on June 17th at Treasure Coast Hospice. She was born in Pottsville, PA and lived most of her life in South Florida. For the last five years, she has been in Port St. Lucie, FL. She worked for Celeste & Associates Law Firm. Prior to that, she worked for Peggy Adams Animal Rescue League in West Palm Beach, FL.

Susan is survived by her loving husband of 41 years, George. She is the adoring mother of son Jeffrey of Port St. Lucie, FL, as well as her son and daughter-in-law Stephen & Stephanie and granddaughter Alexis of Miami, FL.

Surviving relatives include mother-in-law, Louise, of New Market, VA; sister, Carolyn, & brother-in-law, Milton, of West Hills, CA; sister-in-law, Margaret, of Springfield, VA; Aunt Angela of Foster City, CA; and cousins, Barbara & Larry, of Port St. Lucie, FL.

Memorial contributions may be made to Treasure Coast Hospices, 1201 SE Indian Street, Stuart, FL 34997. Arrangements are by Martin Funeral Home & Crematory, in Stuart, FL. Tel #: (772) 223-5550.

**She wrote this last year right after she was diagnosed with cancer. She left blanks for us to fill in.**

Feeling Beat Up

Today, I am feeling beat-up. We came back to Miami last night after 4 days of funeral planning and very little sleep. Now, it comes down to me doing a million tasks to prepare for Saturday including ordering the food, making a memory board, enlarging a picture for her portrait, coming up with songs & burning a CD, and buying the sign-in book. I basically have two evenings to do all this because we head back on Friday evening.

Speaking of feeling beat up, my poor Lexi is in rough condition. She didn't get much sleep the last few days either. She has a heat rash on her face, a diaper rash, a scratch on her nose, a busted lip from when she flipped her head forward and hit the seat belt, and a lump on the top of her head from my sister trying to take her out of the car and bumping the door. Lexi let out a few squeals, but through the last 4 days she has been her usual smiley and giggly self. Everyone says she gets it from me, but I don't know how she does it.

One more beat up that I just have to mention, the Heat beat up the Dallas Mavericks last night. Ok, so it was a close game. Steve finally stayed awake to watch. He has been in no mood for the finals even though normally there is nothing that would make him miss a game. Fortunately, this was the last one of the finals and they won. I saw the first half and then went to bed. This morning during Lexi's 5am feeding, I got to see the last quarter. All I can say is WOW!

Passed On

Around 3am, we got the call that Steve's mom had passed on. We feel a sense of relief knowing that she is no longer suffering in pain. The services aren't scheduled yet, but will probably be next weekend.

I'm Going To Dance To Your Wedding

This morning, I was driving to work and a song came on that we played at our wedding. The song is called, "I Hope You Dance." It was the song for the Groom and his Mother to dance to. In the middle of the song, they got very emotional and tears flowed. They had a special moment with all of us watching. I started thinking about a phrase that is common in the Bahamas, where Steve & I met. The locals often say, "I'm going to dance to your wedding." It is used whenever you do something nice for them or they are really excited. Now that I think about it, weddings are one of the happiest times in a person's life. Sharing that event is all about creating lasting memories. Not only was Steve able to have that special dance, but we have it on DVD and he can relive it whenever he is feeling sad.

Unfortunately with this happy memory, I also have the latest update. The doctor stopped by to check on Steve's mom this morning and determined that she only has 48 hours to live.

Last Episodes

Have you ever been to a movie and become so engrossed that it takes you a minute to snap back to the real world? For some reason, that happens to me when I watch HBO's Big Love by myself. I admitted my addiction to the Big Love Series on my previous blog in April, so - YES - it is still going on. Unfortunately, with all the craziness going on in life I missed the last few episodes and I am having withdrawals. Every evening, I scroll through all of the HBO channels going ahead on the info section of each channel searching for an episode. Finally today, I realized that I should just go to HBO's website to see when they will have the season on again. Apparently, I have to wait a whole month. The cruelty of it all! By then, my addiction will have faded and I will forget how much I enjoy the way those weirdos suck me into their strange plot lines. I guess I'll just go back to not caring about tv.

Our House is For Sale

Our house is on the market & I debated about whether or not to post it on my blog. I don't want any crazy stalkers or anything, but you never know who is looking to buy a house in Miami. Go to Realtor.com for more details. The professional photographer will be at the house today, but I snapped a few photos for your viewing pleasure.

Feeling Weird

There are so many things I could write about, but mainly we are on pins and needles waiting for something to happen with my MIL. For some reason, I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to post about the first named storm of the year, our progress on the house, the Miami Heat, or life in general. However, I realize life goes on even when it is being overshadowed by a bigger issue. Perhaps tomorrow, I will write about other things.

Along with those strange feelings of guilt, I have been wondering why we feel weird about planning for death. It is an event that we know is going to take place, but planning it or discussing it with others seems to be bit taboo. I think it is part of the American culture. When I lived in the Middle East, I was amazed at how open and well they handled death. I learned a lot from them. Perhaps, that is why I feel less strange about discussing the process then others. I realize that my recent posts might make some uncomfortable, but it is real life and that is what my blog is about. So, anyone who doesn't like it simply can stop reading for a while.

Update on the Situation:

My MIL is still slipping away a little more each day, but she is a fighter. Yesterday, when Steve's brother left hospice, she didn't want him to go. She held up her arm to stop him. I personally think he is the last link in the chain holding her here. To be honest, he has been a drug addict for 24 years and regularly experiences all of the most negative things that go along with that. He doesn't dabble or experiment; he is a full blown crack addict. Over the years, he has been homeless (quite often), arrested, in and out of rehabs, penniless, always looking for another job, and other things you can imagine. Unfortunately, she is his enabler and continuously rescues him at the expense of herself. She knows he is not going to be ok when she is gone and there is nothing we can do to convince her of that. I believe that is why she is still fighting. I am not sure what it will take to make her feel at peace with the situation, but I hope she doesn't continue to torture herself. Perhaps, she will realize that he isn't fine with or without her. We can only hope that her passing will inspire him to change.

Steve and his family have come up with a pretty good plan for my MIL's service. Since she doesn't belong to a church, they decided that the big beautiful gazebo at the hospice residence is the perfect place. It is next to a pond and the gardenia bushes in the area create a wonderful fragrance in the air. The Hospice Chaplin will speak and Steve also wants to speak. Friends and family will be invited, but there are not many nearby so it will be small. I envision a moment to remember her and think about what we can learn from her life.

Standing Tall

Amazement - that is the only way to describe the turn-around I have seen in Steve this week. Apparently, he only needed 2 days of insanity and a day of rest, because on Thursday he completely stood up and took charge of his family and the whole situation. He has been discussing everything with the hospice people, comforting his father and brother, and planning out the future steps. He even spent Thursday and Friday at the hospice center in his mom's room. She was visibly more relaxed with his soothing hand strokes and reassuring words. I don't know where he got the strength to tell her how much he loved her and that everyone would be fine, so she was free to go. She is having a difficult time letting go, so he had to repeat it many times.

Steve has been talking and preparing everyone for the inevitable even me. He has told us all that we need to make sure she feels fine about passing on. I spoke to her a few times myself to let her know that her husband & son (Jeff) were taking great care of the house (a huge worry of hers). I also told her that I would take care of her guys, which I could tell she appreciated. It is amazing how far Steve's dad and brother have come in the last few days. Steve has been a real miracle worker with everyone including her extended family and the nurses.

Time is drawing short for my MIL. We can hear the rumbling in her chest and her breathing is sporadic. She rarely speaks and then it is only one word (yesterday). They had to put in a catheter. Today, her sister arrives from California and I believe that she is holding on for her. Then again, we think she & his brother will be the last to be ready to let her go. Prolonging her life might not be so bad, if she wasn't in horrendous pain. They can't seem to get it under control. Now, it is a matter of her not being ready to go and trying to prepare those around her to say the necessary, "It's Ok." I feel like it is the fate of everyone, so why not let it be ok? A release from pain really is the best thing.

Life Expectancy of MIL

Last night, we had our little family meeting with my MIL's hospice social worker. I am not sure that very much got accomplished, but a lot of good topics were brought up. The meeting was about making decisions. His mom had spent the whole day worrying about everything that would happen in the meeting. By the time we arrived, she was in horrible pain and nauseated. They gave her more meds, so she seemed calm but she had an inner panic. The social worker asked her many questions that she couldn't answer. First of all, she is afraid to make decisions because she doesn't want to make the wrong ones (there are no wrong answers with these questions). Secondly, by the time she thinks about the question for 30 seconds she can't remember what you asked. Steve spent the night there, so hopefully he can discuss the questions with her today in a more relaxed setting. Questions like where do you want to be when you die, do you want to be buried or cremated, etc. We also wanted to know her life expectancy, but the social worker didn't know. This morning, Steve asked the nurses and found out that the official word is 0 - 4 weeks, but they believe 2 - 3 weeks at the most.

Nervous Break-Downs & Other Fun Stuff

On Monday, I wrote about neglecting stress and all the other things going on in life. I had no idea what was in store for me. It all started with a little call from Steve's great aunt informing him that his mother had taken a turn for the worse. Steve decided to take a leave of absence for a week and set the whole thing up with his work. Of course, I wasn't informed of this until after the fact. He called me on his way home. He planned to grab some stuff and head up to PSL. What could I say??? Only - ok.

Later on, I called him and he couldn't answer questions and wasn't making any sense. I assumed that he was at the hospital and just had too much going on. At 7 pm, I got a call from his dad saying they were still waiting for him to show up. I didn't want anyone else to be stressed out, so I said he probably stopped off to see a friend in Palm Beach. When I got a hold of him, he was crying and told me he couldn't face it alone. He was just driving around Palm Beach, where he grew up. He told me he was seeing double and couldn't think straight. This went on for several more hours until finally he went to a friend's house to crash for the night.

Yesterday, I took the day off and we all went up to see his mom. Steve was still in bad shape. He cried most of the way there. He was acting like a completely drunk person with slow motor skills and very little comprehension, but he was sober. I am guessing that it was a total nervous break-down. The funny thing about us is that he has always been the emotional one and I have always been the strong one. I guess this was bound to happen. It is strange how that works.

His mom had experienced a few rough days, but yesterday she was doped up. Her verbal and comprehension skills were a LOT worse than his. He perked up a bit while being with her. He also had a meeting with her social worker and scheduled a family meeting for Thursday evening. We are all going to meet to discuss setting her up with hospice at home.

Later in the evening, one of the nurses spoke with everyone (including Aunt Angie, Cousin Barb, Steve's Dad & us). She told us that my MIL has no short term memory and is very confused about why she is there. She made it clear that now is also the time to have any important conversations that need to take place because the tumors in her brain are taking over. One more thing she mentioned was that she can already tell by his mom's personality that this is going to be long and difficult. All the women shook our heads because that is one thing that is obvious. The other thing that I realize is that Steve's dad is still living in denial (to a point that is quite hard to imagine) and Steve is the opposite. He keeps having flash backs of my dad and doesn't want to think of his mom in that horrible debilitated stage.

So, we proceed with me being the strong one and wondering if my husband is going to survive this - not to mention how I'm going to pay the bills with him flipping out. I am just hoping that he gets a lot of this out of his system now and we can deal with this in a logical manner. Perhaps today, he'll be a little more normal and ready to discuss getting help.

Edge of Insanity

Last week, my brother asked me what we are doing to relieve stress. I couldn't think of anything. In fact, dealing with stress relief would be one more thing vying for our time. My brother pointed out that in the last 6 months, I lost my father, had a baby, have to deal with the fact that we are close to losing my mother-in-law, and are currently trying to fix up our house at a crazy pace. What am I doing about stress??? I am letting it build up so I can explode at a later date, because I just don't have time to worry about that right now.

Probably the fact that it is Monday morning and we didn't get as much accomplished on our house as I freakishly planned and the fact that my MIL is back in the hospital and I have a lot of work to do and I could go on forever, but my father will come back from his grave to tell me how much he always hated run on sentences.

Eastern Conference Champs

Last night, Steve & I got to experience the best sporting event of our lives to date. We had lower bowl tickets to the Heat/Pistons game. What a thrill! Despite the big lead, we were on the edge of our seats the whole time like every fan there. Speaking of fans, Janet Jackson was about 20 rows in front of us. There were other famous people too, but we only saw them on the jumbo tron. It was the players we were there for though.

We were very lucky to get to go. Before my boss & his family left for a 2 week vacation in the Bahamas, he generously gave us his tickets to the last home game of the Eastern Championship Finals. He could have easily sold them for $1200 each. I'm glad it turned out to be such a memorable event, because it was hard spending the evening away from Lexi.

It's Finally Friday!

I am not sure why I am so excited for it to be Friday. My week has been pretty good. Traffic was amazing because school is out. Plus, it is sunny & bright (imagine that in the Sunshine State). I even had a mid-morning meeting in Miami Beach, so I got a break from the office. I left my house early enough that I could enjoy a leisurely drive along the beautiful back roads. Driving under a canopy of trees makes for a better commute. Then, I also got to enjoy the view of the crystal blue water from the McArthur Causeway. The drive inspired me want to sell our house and move to a more happening area (like I needed more motivation). Perhaps, I am just not cut out for the burbs of Miami.

So, for this beautiful Friday, I have to say Let the Good Times Roll... & Go HEAT!