Santa Thing

This year, quite a few people have told me that their kids, who are in 5th and 6th grades, still believe in Santa.  I don't know if that is happening all over the US, but it seems to be rather common here.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it is because Texans tend to get very festive.  There are quite a few homes here that rival Clark W. Griswold's.  Perhaps it has something to do with technology advances.  With online orders and overnight shipping, it doesn't seem that far fetched.  Kids can even track Santa's progress on a website. Movies have also gotten better, even though they all still raise questions and doubts when trying to convince the audience to believe.

Isn't it interesting how parents all handle Christmas and Santa differently?  One of my brothers decided long ago that absolute truth is vital in a parent/child relationship.  I've seen his children struggle a little because they would really like to believe in Santa.  However, I don't think his strategy hurts them at all.  I have friends who play up the Santa story.  My mom didn't ever go overboard, but she still likes to say something like you have to believe to get presents.

I tend to fall in the middle of extremes on many things.  When it comes to Santa, I just say we do not know all the details.  I tell the kids that people try to figure out the mystery all the time, but we wake up on Christmas morning and there are presents waiting for us.  It allows me a little room to be wishy washy.  I think this approach gives them room to believe and have a healthy amount of doubt.  Santa isn't all about the kids though.  It turns out, that I get to enjoy the element of fantasy that Santa brings to Christmas.    

Emotional Roller Coaster

This was the first weekend that my ex has taken the kids for more than one night since June.  In fact, over the past few months (years really) he often misses taking them all together even when he promised them he would come.  That is just part of who he is.  We are all used to it.  To be honest, I have really enjoyed that about him.  Sometimes when I think about the bad things in the marriage, I would at least be happy that he isn't a pushy dad.   I like to think that I may have missed the mark when it came to him as a husband, but he is the kind of ex husband I prefer.   

I always put my kids first.  Maybe giving them a little more of their own time is a good thing, but I don’t like to.  Family time is number one on my list.  Other than school, they are RARELY in the care of someone else.  I was even like that when I lived in California.  I hardly ever left them with my mom.  If there is a choice, I consistently choose to be with them.  I just like it that way. 

Needless to say, this was a very emotional weekend for me.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.  The rest of the time, I cried my eyes out.  I went to church today very exhausted with puffy eyes.  I felt overwhelmed by these emotions.  Lots of concerned people asked me about the kids in a polite way.  It was difficult to talk about them though.  I am good at keeping it together in those situations, but on the inside I was dying.  I think it is even worse that their dad has them again next weekend and for Christmas.  Fortunately (for me), my ex’s fiance will be out of town, so he’ll probably bring them over for a bike ride or something on the weekend.  He already said he would like to be over here for Christmas Eve & Christmas day, which is a huge relief for me.  I am also thrilled that he doesn't have any vacation time or he would have them all week.  If we played by the book, he could have them from the 21^st to the 28^th without me seeing them even once.  Typing that makes me feel like I have a hole in my heart and knots in my stomach. 

For these reasons, I hope that when he gets married and moves across town, he’ll go back to his usual ways.  I know that isn't nice and it is better for them to have an involved father, but it makes me happier.  If he doesn't, I’m sure I’ll start thinking about moving far away again.  Yes, I am a bit selfish like that, but notice I said start thinking about moving away.  I don’t have the money and I love living here.  I’ll also be dreaming about how nice it would be if he moved away.  His fiance has lots of family here and her own little business, so I doubt that will happen. 

In the last post, I wrote that I am feeling positive about the future.  I am also feeling deeply saddened about the possibility of spending less time with my kids.  No matter what, divorce is awful especially when you have kids.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I can only imagine how bad it is when exes can’t stand each other.  

Parental Tolerances

Parenting styles are extremely fascinating to me. For the most part, I believe that many parents are good at it in their own ways. While kids generally come with their own little personalities, they seem to quickly adapt to our parenting styles. In a family with only one child, this may be more difficult to pin point. A family that has several children with similar characteristics makes identifying learned behaviors from their families easier.

In general, I think a lot of it is a mixture of priorities and tolerances. We all have our own opinions on what is valued behavior, acceptable behavior, and intolerable behavior. Of course, the two extremes are easiest to spotlight.

For instance, I am quite strict when it comes to how my kids will dress, their willingness to eat what they are given/healthy foods, early bed time, sitting with restraints on in the car/stroller/grocery cart, not whining, and being verbally kind to others. When my kids act up on any of these issues, I react quickly and consistently essentially nipping it in the bud. Consequently, my kids have learned not to press their luck on these things.

On the other hand, there are things that I tend to encourage that sometimes need to be reined in. Some people might not know this, but I have a shy streak, which has mostly disappeared with age. I am also quite critical of myself. I often think that this can be a real draw back in life. I believe that an outgoing, sometimes assertive, talkative and friendly personality would be beneficial. Both of my kids certainly don’t have issues with being shy and overly quiet. In fact, it is quite the opposite. They are over the top. They like being the center of attention even in huge groups, which can be a great thing. It isn’t so great when they need to be a little more reserved and practically silent, like at church. Lexi is capable of quiet entertainment, but Jordan can rarely manage it. During these moments, I wish it was more of a priority for me.

I have friends that I consider fine parents that have completely opposite views than I do. I also have friends that value some of the things I do, but not others.  One of the reasons people can’t be perfect is that we can’t be on top of everything all of the time. I doubt that would even be helpful to kids.  They need to relax about a few things so they don't feel the need to rebel.  We all pick and choose our priorities and they help to shape our lives and our kids. This is just one more way that we are all different and it is wonderful.

First Day of School 2011

Lexi's first day of kindergarten was yesterday. She was quite excited about it and had a great day.  I had no doubts that it would be good.  Both she and I were more than ready for this day.  The only one that got a little emotional was Jordan and that was back at home when he was missing her. 

 

My Dad's Brother Died

My dad's brother died this week.  I am not really sad, but I am in shock.  It has been five years since my dad passed away and I can't believe his parents are burying another child.  Both of their sons are gone now.  I think losing a child is the most horrible thing ever, no matter how old you are.  Here is his obit (minus some details):

Lloyd, 62, died Monday, Jan. 3, 2011, due to complications from pneumonia.  Services will be held on Saturday, Jan. 8.  Burial with military honors will follow at the cemetery.

He was born in Logan, Utah, on April 9, 1948, and was the oldest child of Maurice and JoAnn.  He graduated from Kuna High School.

He served as a sergeant in the Vietnam War from 1968 to 1970 and was honorably discharged. He was awarded the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for his service.

Lloyd will be remembered for his passion for his cows, horses, dogs and grandchildren. His lifelong dream was to be a rancher, which he was through and through.

He had a great sense of humor and was always teasing everyone.

He is survived by his wife, four children, and his 8 grandchildren. He is also survived by his parents and his sisters.  He was preceded in death by his brother, Larry.

Inspired by a Comment

This morning, I got a comment from an Anonymous Source.  It was back on a post from January (It's Not You, It's Me), but it sounds like the comment was about several posts.  I typed my response and realized I should probably make it a post too.

Anonymous said...


Just want a guy friend to hang out with and talk to? Are you serious? Do you understand anything about men? Apparently not, given the one track mind comment. You only care about jewelry, purses, and shopping correct? What could you possibly offer a man in terms of an exclusively platonic relationship?

Children need their fathers in their lives. Especially male children. This entire argument re nine months of pregnancy, bonding, etc? What a bunch of crap. Do you know why children, if asked if they would prefer their moms to their fathers, would choose the mom? It's because the fathers are the ones that enforce the rules and the discipline. The moms happily leave all that heavy lifting to the dads so they can be the refuge and provide the succor.

Guh.


My Reply:

Thank you for your comments. I actually find differing opinions refreshing. I found it interesting that assume that I am only into shopping, jewelry, and purses. I like sports, hiking, camping, and lots of guy stuff. I happen to have lots of guy friends (including my ex), just not here in California.  I guess they would have to come up with things I have to offer in a platonic relationship. 

As for the fathering comments (which I am guessing were inspired by a post titled Fighting for Moms), I realize that I failed to make it clear in that post that I was mainly upset about situations when custody is given exclusively to the father when their mother was the main one that had been taking care of them.  This happened to my cousin because California believes it should be 50/50.  Also, stay-at-home moms who can't afford an attorney have a HUGE disadvantage.  Her and her ex-husband were moving to different states so custody was going to be with one or the other.  The one with all the money despite STRONG evidence of abuse won in the end.  Yes - I am still very angry about it.   

Further, I have seen lots of moms go way out of their way to put their kids first in life. However, I haven't seen many dads make their kids their TOP priority, but there are some. I strongly believe that those moms who do an amazing job with their kids should get primary custody, even if the kids have a great dad. This wasn't about cutting dads or men out of their lives. It was about who is going to be the primary caregiver for kids that have to suffer through divorce. Obviously, I am pro-mom (of course excluding those who don't want it or have issues).

I don't agree with your comments on discipline, at least not in every family.  When I was a kid, even though my parents were married, my mom did everything for us including discipline.  My father was heavy handed when he did enforce rules.  I don't expect anyone else to discipline my kids.  I am happy to say that people often comment about how well behaved they are, so I know that I am doing something right - all by myself.

One Minute Please

Shortly after moving here, a neighbor lady started telling me about a wonderful parenting book that she was reading. I listened with interest especially since big changes in kids' lives bring about crazy behaviors. However, I had to smile thinking about taking advice from a SAHM mom that has 3 full time maids and 2 nannies all in an effort to take care of a household that has three kids.

About 2 weeks later (while she was off vacationing with her husband, kids and entourage), I got a copy of the book in the mail from her. I smiled at how thoughtful she was. Anyway, the book is called "The One Minute Mother" and it is by Spencer Johnson, M.D. While I am thrilled with some of the results, I don't recommend you go out and buy a copy. There are only 3 simple points that the entire book is written around.

1. One Minute Goals (use 1 sheet of paper to write down goals that you set with your child - must only take 1 minute to read)
2. One Minute Praisings (Praise good behavior, clearly identify what they did right and how it made you feel, hug or touch the child, and tell them you love them)
3. One Minute Reprimands (Reprimand poor behavior, tell the child exactly what they did wrong, pause to let it sink in, remind them that they are better than that and that they are good kids, hug them and remind them that you love them, and drop it)

The book is full of examples and such to convince people that it works. I think 2 and 3 are pretty much common sense, although in the craziness of life they may not happen as often as they should. At least for me because my two little ones are doing things all day everyday that should be addressed.

The one thing that I hadn't tried before was number 1. Once a week I started sitting down with Lexi and coming up with a one page list of goals for her, Jordan and me. I use a big marker and draw a picture next to each goal so she can "read" them. She participates in creating the list. Here are some examples:

Lexi's Goals
1. Put my crayons away everyday
2. Don't block my brother (not letting him pass through doorways)
3. Listen to my mom
4. Hug and kiss my mom more (her idea)

Mom's Goals:
1. Exercise at the beach 4 times this week
2. Complete.... (something from my to do list)
3. Hug and kiss Lexi and Jordan more (her idea)

When we are done, we tape the lists in the kids’ bedroom. Every night Lexi reads hers as part of our bedtime ritual.

We have been able to stamp out quite a few behaviors that time-outs were doing NOTHING for. The best part is that when she is doing something she isn't supposed to that is on the list I only have to remind her ONE time!!! I HATE being a broken record.

The past few days things have been getting out of hand with the kids pestering each other. It was especially annoying this morning, during our walk on the beach. I suddenly remembered that we hadn't made a list in a few weeks. We sat down this afternoon and so far we are right back on track.

Toddler Mystery

I have spent the day mainly working on my laptop in the living room. The kids have been keeping busy with various activities. For a little while, they were playing in their room. I got a phone call (*Steve has been offered a job*). While we were talking, the kids made thier way to the bathroom. I figured that Lexi had to go. Jordan often follows her in there.

Suddenly, Lexi comes running out announcing that "Jordan was peeing like a big boy!" I ended the call quickly and ran in there nervous about what I would find. Jordan's shorts and diaper were on the floor. He was struggling to keep himself up on the toilet. Lexi was happily dancing around me saying that Jordan told her that he needed to go potty, so she helped him.

This news came as a complete shock to me because other than flushing the toilet and wiping himself, he has shown NO interest. I decided that I would wait to potty train him until he was 3 because I heard boys were more difficult. This was the first time he ever sat on the toilet. Could I possibly believe that he actually went?

Being highly suspicious, I looked in the toilet. There was evidence that something had happened, but I am finding it hard to believe that Jordan did it. Lexi seems to believe he did though.

I guess this is just one of those things that I will never know exactly what happened, unless of course it happens again and I witness it.

New Arrival

My sister, the one any only Freckle Face Girl, has asked me to declare to the world that she has had her baby! Little Jordan was born at 4:15 houston time and I (Auntie Paige) got his first picture in a text message not two seconds ago! He is adorable! Six pounds nine ounces, and 18 1/4 inch tall. Imagine how large he would have been if they'd waited a month!

There are no problems, he's breathing just fine and he's been bathed and swathed. As soon as I get some e-mailed pictures I'll guest post them here :)

-Auntie Paige

Because I Don’t Want Breastfeeding to Suck …So Much

Yesterday evening, I attended a breast feeding class. I have been thinking about going to one since I was pregnant with Lexi. Actually, I really wanted to, but with my father’s death 2 months before she was born and working full time, I just didn’t feel I was up to it. Plus, I felt it was more important for us to do the birthing class. Scheduling time for that was about all I could handle at the time.

As many of you know, the first time around, breast feeding did not go so well. By the time we left the hospital, I was cracked and bleeding. Then came engorgement. I had no idea how horrible that was going to be. It didn’t take me long to fall in love with the breast pump and reunite that love every 3 hours. Let’s just say that I did NOT have a problem with production (quite the opposite).

There were many factors that made that time in my life a living hell including working at home trying to put in 40 hours with deadlines at the crazy point of the year in marketing, knowing that I would be back in the non-pump friendly office in a few short months, my husband losing his job less than a month after she was born, and numerous 2-hour trips to visit my mother-in-law who was in and out of the hospital and well on her way to losing her battle with cancer. While, I was so happy to have my sweet little baby I will freely admit that was a nightmarish time of life. Needless to say, the stress of breast feeding was just another issue for me to deal with, so I pumped and Lexi was fed breastmilk in a bottle for 3 months.

Since then, I have been bound and determined to have a much better experience the second time. It would be pretty impossible to have a similar or worse experience, so my odds are great. In general, I feel optimistic because I am not working, none of our close relatives have terminal cancer, and life is just going better. Breastfeeding will work this time, right? Well, I am not going to give up easily. Hopefully, this baby is a great at latching and if not, I have a lactation consultant that lives close by.

Mother’s Day Announcement

Two years ago, I announced that I was pregnant right before Father’s Day. This year, I am doing it before Mother’s Day. That’s right, me, the fertility challenged girl, is pregnant again and this time without even seeing the specialist. Oh, it was part of the plan, but I didn't know if it would happen naturally.

Are you surprised after harping on my little brother this week? It was clearly a diversion tactic (for me), because I had babies on the brain. His news just seemed more surprising than mine.

I am about 7 weeks along and according to the internet the due date is December 31st (tax baby). I am feeling nauseous and very tired (more than last time), but this time I have a wild toddler to deal with so no time for that. Although I want to complain about the less enjoyable parts of being pregnant, we are very excited.

Now, I am back to being a pregnant blogger. Happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers & everyone else who ever had a mother. We can all celebrate.

Update On Baby

This morning, I heard that the baby was born but no details. I also found out that they had decided to keep this baby no matter what & avoided most of the tests/additional ultrasounds. That just broke my heart.

Soon after that, I got an e-mail with pictures of my cousin’s baby. He is a month old and was born with severe birth defects. The pictures caught me off guard. I had heard that my cousin was faced with the same decision (right before Thanksgiving) and decided to keep the baby. He is cute, but it is obvious that he will have a difficult life. I had to catch my breath and began to worry about the couple again and of course my cousin.

Finally, I heard the news that everything went well. She was born at 5:25pm last night. She weighed 7 lbs 13 oz and is 20.5 inches long (same weight & only 0.5 inch shorter than Lexi). Good News!

Remembering Child Birth

Today, someone I know is in the hospital trying to get a stubborn baby to emerge. It is practically all I can think about. We have talked in detail during several functions over the past few years, but we are not friends. Still, I feel a connection to her.

It started when I was in the hospital giving birth to Lexi (15 months ago). She was in a different hospital having an abortion. The fetus she was carrying had severe birth defects. The doctors told her that even if it made it the whole 9 months, it would surely die in the first week. After a lot of pondering and praying, she and her husband felt that an abortion was the right thing for them. The night after I gave birth to Lexi, I held her and cried for them. I couldn’t even begin to imagine having to face a decision like that.

A few weeks later, I received a card from her and spoke to her husband. I was completely blown away by how well they accepted the situation. They were absolutely positive that they would have a healthy baby in the future and that life turned out the way it was supposed to.

Today, their faith proves to be right. She is several days past her due date, so her doctors decided to induce her. I have heard that it has taken all day for her to get to 5 cm and the pain is unbearable. Fortunately, she gave in and got the epidural. I hope their dreams come true soon and she’ll be holding her own beautiful baby girl tonight.

I know I will be holding Lexi and be feeling extreme joy for them.

Full Blown MOM

Today, I did something that I probably would not have done if I was not a mom. I had to run an errand during lunch, so I ended up taking a late lunch. On the way back, I was driving next to/behind a school bus. Suddenly, the kids (Jr high aged) threw a sack out the window. It didn't hit my car, but I saw them all laughing and two things went through my mind:

1. YOU little Brats!
2. You could have caused a wreck

I caught the eye of a little blonde girl in the backseat. She was laughing with the rest of them, so I gave her the dirtiest Mom scolding look EVER! Then I decided that it wasn't enough. I picked up my cell phone & while she watched, I called the number on the side of the bus. I reported the bus number and location. The operator said she would contact the driver.

I realize that this matter is about more than just being a Mom for me. In the last week, I have seen blatant dirty politics. It has made me sick. I keep wondering when these people started selling their souls. Were they raised like this or did their morals get derailed somewhere along the way? I understand that all kids do things. You can bet I did BAD things while riding the bus, but when things are NOT ok, it should be pointed out. Therefore, I am just the mom to do it.