The Truth About Cancer Series

Some years, like my last few, I feel like I kind of float through life. Nothing too terrible happens and nothing extraordinary blesses me either. That is how I have felt about my last couple of years. It hasn't been easy, but I am floating along and managing.

Honestly, that isn't how life goes all the time. Some years are full of life-changing/world defining experiences. Those things set you off on a different course. I am talking about positive experiences like getting married, having a baby, buying a house, moving across the country, having a religious awakening, taking an international trip as well as awful experiences like the death of a loved one, battling cancer, a horrific car accident, getting raped, etc.

For me, the years 2005 and 2006 were definitely life changing. 2005 started off with lots of promise. My husband (at the time) and I were house hunting. We found one that we liked and bought it. We also started going to a fertility specialist. We'd been married about 2 years and pregnancy was apparently not happening on its own. Right after we moved into our new house, my mother-in-law informed us that she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. About a week or two later, I discovered that I was pregnant (during the testing process of fertility). About a week after that, I got a call from my sister informing me that my dad had terminal brain cancer that was extremely aggressive.

Talk about BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM. Of course, the joy of having a baby on the way definitely lessened the blow for me of the cancer news. I just kept thinking about the circle of life.

My dad passed away at the age of 56 when I was about 7 months pregnant. He suffered through numerous surgeries to remove multiple brain tumors along with chemo and radiation. He couldn't communicate when the tumors were taking over, so they would cut them out. That gave him about a week of talking before he shut down again. It got to the point where the surgeries were taking place every 2 weeks. I would definitely say it got fairly ridiculous. I finally called all 5 of my siblings and talked to them about just letting him be done with this life. It wasn't an easy conversation, but we are all religious and believe that much better things lie ahead for him. We were spread out over the US, but were able to visit him for Thanksgiving right after that decision had been made. He couldn't talk to us, but he definitely knew we were there. His eyes and hand squeezes said it all. When we headed home, he stopped eating and drinking. A week later, he was gone.

My mother-in-law lasted a year after her diagnoses. She also had surgeries, hospital stays, chemo, radiation, and all that. Our experiences with hospice and difficult decisions with my dad made it easier to navigate through her end of life. It was still heart wrenching, but we knew more about how it should be handled and what everything meant.

There are lots of lessons I learned from those experiences. One of them being that I didn't want to subject myself to all that cancer patients go through. If given a terminal cancer diagnoses, I would simply thank them and head home to live the best I could. I may do a surgery or two to remove huge tumors, but that would probably be it.

Since then, I definitely am interested in information on holistic methods of dealing with cancer and all that entails. Healthy eating, juicing, supplements, essential oils, reducing your toxic load, exercising,  ...Why not try?

This week, I have been enjoying the online series called the Truth About Cancer. So far, my favorite episodes were Day 2 (essential oils) & Day 3 (juicing). Obviously, those were things I already have an interest in. I do not buy everything they say hook, line & sinker, but there is definitely lots of tips and things to consider. When it is all over, I may type up a few things that I learned.

Sad Day

Today, the world lost a very lovely girl. I blogged about her in June shortly after she was diagnosed with brain cancer. I received news that my friend's fiancé passed away this morning. It is difficult to understand why a stunningly gorgeous, sweet, and fit girl in her mid-twenties would fall so quickly. Two years ago, everyone was shocked by how fast my seemingly healthy father deteriorated and died from the same thing. Cancer has no favorites.

Feeling Weird

There are so many things I could write about, but mainly we are on pins and needles waiting for something to happen with my MIL. For some reason, I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to post about the first named storm of the year, our progress on the house, the Miami Heat, or life in general. However, I realize life goes on even when it is being overshadowed by a bigger issue. Perhaps tomorrow, I will write about other things.

Along with those strange feelings of guilt, I have been wondering why we feel weird about planning for death. It is an event that we know is going to take place, but planning it or discussing it with others seems to be bit taboo. I think it is part of the American culture. When I lived in the Middle East, I was amazed at how open and well they handled death. I learned a lot from them. Perhaps, that is why I feel less strange about discussing the process then others. I realize that my recent posts might make some uncomfortable, but it is real life and that is what my blog is about. So, anyone who doesn't like it simply can stop reading for a while.

Update on the Situation:

My MIL is still slipping away a little more each day, but she is a fighter. Yesterday, when Steve's brother left hospice, she didn't want him to go. She held up her arm to stop him. I personally think he is the last link in the chain holding her here. To be honest, he has been a drug addict for 24 years and regularly experiences all of the most negative things that go along with that. He doesn't dabble or experiment; he is a full blown crack addict. Over the years, he has been homeless (quite often), arrested, in and out of rehabs, penniless, always looking for another job, and other things you can imagine. Unfortunately, she is his enabler and continuously rescues him at the expense of herself. She knows he is not going to be ok when she is gone and there is nothing we can do to convince her of that. I believe that is why she is still fighting. I am not sure what it will take to make her feel at peace with the situation, but I hope she doesn't continue to torture herself. Perhaps, she will realize that he isn't fine with or without her. We can only hope that her passing will inspire him to change.

Steve and his family have come up with a pretty good plan for my MIL's service. Since she doesn't belong to a church, they decided that the big beautiful gazebo at the hospice residence is the perfect place. It is next to a pond and the gardenia bushes in the area create a wonderful fragrance in the air. The Hospice Chaplin will speak and Steve also wants to speak. Friends and family will be invited, but there are not many nearby so it will be small. I envision a moment to remember her and think about what we can learn from her life.

Standing Tall

Amazement - that is the only way to describe the turn-around I have seen in Steve this week. Apparently, he only needed 2 days of insanity and a day of rest, because on Thursday he completely stood up and took charge of his family and the whole situation. He has been discussing everything with the hospice people, comforting his father and brother, and planning out the future steps. He even spent Thursday and Friday at the hospice center in his mom's room. She was visibly more relaxed with his soothing hand strokes and reassuring words. I don't know where he got the strength to tell her how much he loved her and that everyone would be fine, so she was free to go. She is having a difficult time letting go, so he had to repeat it many times.

Steve has been talking and preparing everyone for the inevitable even me. He has told us all that we need to make sure she feels fine about passing on. I spoke to her a few times myself to let her know that her husband & son (Jeff) were taking great care of the house (a huge worry of hers). I also told her that I would take care of her guys, which I could tell she appreciated. It is amazing how far Steve's dad and brother have come in the last few days. Steve has been a real miracle worker with everyone including her extended family and the nurses.

Time is drawing short for my MIL. We can hear the rumbling in her chest and her breathing is sporadic. She rarely speaks and then it is only one word (yesterday). They had to put in a catheter. Today, her sister arrives from California and I believe that she is holding on for her. Then again, we think she & his brother will be the last to be ready to let her go. Prolonging her life might not be so bad, if she wasn't in horrendous pain. They can't seem to get it under control. Now, it is a matter of her not being ready to go and trying to prepare those around her to say the necessary, "It's Ok." I feel like it is the fate of everyone, so why not let it be ok? A release from pain really is the best thing.

Life Expectancy of MIL

Last night, we had our little family meeting with my MIL's hospice social worker. I am not sure that very much got accomplished, but a lot of good topics were brought up. The meeting was about making decisions. His mom had spent the whole day worrying about everything that would happen in the meeting. By the time we arrived, she was in horrible pain and nauseated. They gave her more meds, so she seemed calm but she had an inner panic. The social worker asked her many questions that she couldn't answer. First of all, she is afraid to make decisions because she doesn't want to make the wrong ones (there are no wrong answers with these questions). Secondly, by the time she thinks about the question for 30 seconds she can't remember what you asked. Steve spent the night there, so hopefully he can discuss the questions with her today in a more relaxed setting. Questions like where do you want to be when you die, do you want to be buried or cremated, etc. We also wanted to know her life expectancy, but the social worker didn't know. This morning, Steve asked the nurses and found out that the official word is 0 - 4 weeks, but they believe 2 - 3 weeks at the most.

Nervous Break-Downs & Other Fun Stuff

On Monday, I wrote about neglecting stress and all the other things going on in life. I had no idea what was in store for me. It all started with a little call from Steve's great aunt informing him that his mother had taken a turn for the worse. Steve decided to take a leave of absence for a week and set the whole thing up with his work. Of course, I wasn't informed of this until after the fact. He called me on his way home. He planned to grab some stuff and head up to PSL. What could I say??? Only - ok.

Later on, I called him and he couldn't answer questions and wasn't making any sense. I assumed that he was at the hospital and just had too much going on. At 7 pm, I got a call from his dad saying they were still waiting for him to show up. I didn't want anyone else to be stressed out, so I said he probably stopped off to see a friend in Palm Beach. When I got a hold of him, he was crying and told me he couldn't face it alone. He was just driving around Palm Beach, where he grew up. He told me he was seeing double and couldn't think straight. This went on for several more hours until finally he went to a friend's house to crash for the night.

Yesterday, I took the day off and we all went up to see his mom. Steve was still in bad shape. He cried most of the way there. He was acting like a completely drunk person with slow motor skills and very little comprehension, but he was sober. I am guessing that it was a total nervous break-down. The funny thing about us is that he has always been the emotional one and I have always been the strong one. I guess this was bound to happen. It is strange how that works.

His mom had experienced a few rough days, but yesterday she was doped up. Her verbal and comprehension skills were a LOT worse than his. He perked up a bit while being with her. He also had a meeting with her social worker and scheduled a family meeting for Thursday evening. We are all going to meet to discuss setting her up with hospice at home.

Later in the evening, one of the nurses spoke with everyone (including Aunt Angie, Cousin Barb, Steve's Dad & us). She told us that my MIL has no short term memory and is very confused about why she is there. She made it clear that now is also the time to have any important conversations that need to take place because the tumors in her brain are taking over. One more thing she mentioned was that she can already tell by his mom's personality that this is going to be long and difficult. All the women shook our heads because that is one thing that is obvious. The other thing that I realize is that Steve's dad is still living in denial (to a point that is quite hard to imagine) and Steve is the opposite. He keeps having flash backs of my dad and doesn't want to think of his mom in that horrible debilitated stage.

So, we proceed with me being the strong one and wondering if my husband is going to survive this - not to mention how I'm going to pay the bills with him flipping out. I am just hoping that he gets a lot of this out of his system now and we can deal with this in a logical manner. Perhaps today, he'll be a little more normal and ready to discuss getting help.