A week ago, my ex-husband called to ask me if I would go to therapy with him. I was quite surprised given the fact that we’ve been divorced almost 3 years. The two years I was in California, the kids and I saw my ex twice. Even for the past year, it has been sporadic. For a while, he regularly picked up the kids. Back in September, October & November, we were hanging out together with the kids. For the first month, I actually toyed with the idea of something more (Contemplating Complete Forgiveness). He had made very impressive leaps to change and I wasn’t sure if I owed it to him or myself to at least consider it. By the beginning of October, I completely realized that I just didn’t have ANY feelings for him. We were even bickering more than we had our entire 6 years of marriage.
By December, we were hanging out less and less. When his company asked him to start working in different cities in Texas he sounded thrilled. I felt so relieved, actually ecstatic. Once again, I would have the space I had been craving. The kids and I didn’t see much of him for January, February, and March. When he was around and wanted to, I would have him spend his time with the kids and I did my own thing (usually clean the house and catch up on work – How exciting am I?).
In April, he asked me if we could have a “talk.” I said sure. He came over one evening and after the kids were in bed, he told me that he is now completely committed to the kids and me. I felt like I had to break-up with him again. I clearly told him that I just want to move on with my life. Quickly, he became an emotional wreck and said goodbye. Later, he called saying that he felt like he was losing me all over again. He was crying and really didn’t want an honest response from me, so I listened.
His next step was to ask me to see a therapist with him. He wanted someone to help us communicate. I am not at all against therapy, but I had to smile considering that he is always the one that doesn’t want to hear bad news. He asked me about a therapist that he has been seeing for years (mostly whenever I asked him to). The therapist knows my mom & sister really well. I agreed to one session in an effort to provide closure for him.
It went really well as far as I am concerned. I am sure he is crushed, but he was finally able to listen to me say that it is over for me. I sincerely hope he can move on. He has come a LONG way in improving himself, even farther than I had ever dared to hope. I am sure he’ll be able to find someone that can love him, appreciate him, and build a life with him, but… it will not be me.
4 comments:
Wow, you are so brave for telling him the truth about your feelings and not just going along with him or leading him along to spare his own feelings. That must have been hard for you to do. I hope you and your children will be happy!
Holly - it has been almost a week and he seems happier than ever. I really think this helped him get over a lot of guilt & just move on.
(catching up on your blog now, so I know I'm late to the party...)
I'm really glad you were honest with him, it's best for each of you and an important part of moving on. I think you did the right thing.
I went through something similar with my ex about 2 years after we split (though I did not blog about it, to keep the peace).
I know what you mean Tere about not blogging about things to keep the peace. I know this blog would be a lot more interesting if I could dive into the whole ex files. Every once in a while, I give a little glimpse and hope it doesn’t turn things upside down. I also hope that people are not still encouraging him to pursue us.
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