No Feminine Allure

Out of the people that I know who read my blog, I am not sure there are many that have experienced what I feel like revealing tonight. Sadly, when someone has gone through a rather long spell without any type of romantic connection, they begin to see themselves as non-attractive. I realize that it sounds like I am referring to some steamy passionate entanglement, but I am really talking about ANY type of interaction like flirting.

Logically speaking, I understand that I have chosen to spend the last (almost) year as close to nun-hood as possible. It isn’t the first time. Well, I take that back. I highly doubt that I have ever shunned the dating scene for an entire year. I was 30 when I got married, so the single life is something that I am thoroughly familiar with. I took quite a few breaks (several months long) back in the pre-marriage days. Breathers can be nice.

In many ways, choosing the life of a quasi-nun can feel very liberating and can be a time of great introspection. There are a lot of things that need my focus right now and I barely feel like I am keeping up. Sometimes, one more thing gets thrown into my life and it feels overwhelming.

Plus, I absolutely don’t like the whole fakeness of first dates and chit chatting with strangers who may or may not want to spend the rest of their lives being in love.  It’s just not at all appealing right now. Granted, there isn’t an abundance of single men in any of the activities or hang-outs that I spend time at. In fact, mostly I see lots of moms. I rarely see any men (married or not). Truthfully, my chances of even bumping into single men are pretty low. I live in the suburbs. I only do kid/family-friendly activities. I work from home so I don’t even see my colleagues or meet many new people.

On a highly depressing note, living a nun-ish life leads a girl to feel like no normal guy could possibly be interested in her. I wonder if I am even capable of getting a guy’s attention, assuming that I would actually find one that I am interested in. I’ve forgotten how to flirt, if I ever really knew. For the sake of this rambling post, let’s pretend somehow I could get his attention. Then, what? My life is consumed by my kids and work. I would have to dig deep to even remember other interests in an attempt to carry on even one fascinating conversation.

Alas, this circle of self doubt and complete disinterest in dating will continue for the time being. Mostly, I know that it is best for me right now. However, I’d just love a little flirtatious smile or harmless wink from a half-way handsome single man near my age to signal that perhaps just maybe I still got it.

**Update: After writing this post last night, I took the kids to the pool today and happened to get what I wished for.   There were a few dads there.  One who was holding a baby & had two other kids started talking to me.  I thought that his wife was probably on one of the beach chairs.  He asked, "What do ya'll do for a living?"  I told him that I am divorced and then about my work.  I asked him what he does & he said that he is currently going through a divorce.  Our kids played and we had a nice time.  He shared a few things, but said it was hard to talk with the kids.  I was friendly, but not divulging much.  Before he left, he politely asked for my number to see if we could schedule a play date for the kids.  Pretty harmless, right?  How could someone refuse that? -- I don't know if we'll ever get together.  It would be nice to have a friend.  The best part of this was finding out that I am not repulsive.