Before I start, I need to say that this post has nothing to do with my ex-husband or lots of great fathers….
The number one reason, that my cousin’s divorce has stressed me out and turned me off of men is the custody battle. In California, there seems to a huge movement to view fathers as equally capable of taking care of kids (which I know that quite a few are). Like lots of ideals, the drive to force this equality often comes at the expense of people who don’t deserve to be penalized. In this case, it is the mothers. This topic really gets my blood boiling. While I can appreciate the role of a good father, I can’t stand the fact that great mothers have to give up 50% or more custody of their kids. I mainly see it as a way to rip out a mother's heart. Many men seem to fight for custody so that they don't have to pay child support. I wish California judges & lawmakers would wise-up. Here are some reasons:
**What does it take to make a baby? For a man, it simply involves sex during a fertile time. I am guessing that most men don’t even have baby making on their mind during this act. In fact, they do it hundreds of thousands of times without resulting in a baby. For a woman, it involves sex, pregnancy (9 months of discomfort and often many horrible symptoms), and many sleep interrupted nights to feed the baby (usually a task mainly handled by moms).
I found this interesting quote:
Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own. ~Aristotle
There is no question for mothers, who have about 9 months of carrying the little guy or girl. The bonding begins quite early for moms.
**What about the number of possible off-spring? Men are physically capable of producing 100s of babies in their life time. Average women can only reproduce during an approximately 20 - 25 year span and at most have 5 – 8 babies. (Mrs. Duggar is not normal.) Most women in the US will have 1 – 3. For great moms, they become the most valuable people in her life. I have learned that it is NOT easy to share them with anyone including grandparents, teachers, friends, etc.
I can also come up with lesser reasons why the bias should favor moms…
**Does equality in parental duties really exist? How many studies have shown that even when there are 2 working parents, the woman still does the majority of the housework and parenting tasks? I am not saying that men can’t do it, just that mothers tend to go out of their way to make sure things run smoothly while many men are happy to step back. I have been told by quite a few divorced fathers here in California (that have 40% or more custody) that they didn’t do nearly as much as they do now. …hmmm
**What about adding the little touches that mom's usually handle? I can’t count how many times I have seen a cute little kid with mismatched clothes and messy hair and realized that they were with their dad that day. I am not going to say that kids must look cute all the time, but they should be put together most of the week. Dressing for success is important for school too. People are treated according to how they present themselves. Quite a few men don’t seem to think that this is worth the effort. Let’s face it, dressing kids often involves an argument and so does brushing girls’ hair. I know this seems like a lame reason, but it used to really bother me when I saw what my sister looked like after spending the weekend with my dad.
**Is it even what the kids want? Most people I know have a closer bond with their mothers. I would like to know how many people out there would have picked their fathers if their parents split up while they were young.
I am not suggesting that kids shouldn't spend time with their dads. A good or great father is a wonderful thing for a kid to have. I just think that 50% is way too much. If you agree and you are a woman, avoid divorce in California. If you are a man & disagree, I guess this is the state for you.
Anyway, my arguments are not well though-out. This is mostly an emotional response to seeing the agony of a great mom (my cousin) who has to fight to keep her kids when her ex is anything but a good father.
5 comments:
Interesting. i guess the state is just trying to make things even-steven, but as you've pointed out, that just might not be possible.
I have some thoughts about this. First of all, I believe that there needs to be divorce reform.
Secondly, I think people have different values. I think your observation about the time some dads put into their children's appearance is apt. In the end, what is it that matters? Will a child remember time with their dad? Do appearances really matter?
I personally believe dads can raise kids. And I'm okay with shared custody. I'm okay with a father being forced to step up to the plate, be a responsible adult and parent. However, I'm not sure that should always be the case.
I think each couple/situation is different. That's where the reform is needed (to my mind). I don't think dad's should be kept out of the process, and I believe there are times when a father is the more responsible, more stable parent.
When a couple starts fighting over custody to not allow someone else to "win" - instead of truly asking, what is best for the child(children) - that's when things go wrong (to my mind). Each child deserves a relationship with both of their parents - unless one parent is disabled or abusive. The nature of that relationship is highly debatable, however.
FFG - I hope it's okay that we disagree on this, on some of these points. I respect you and your opinion (and your right to your opinion and perspective). I don't know the ins and outs of every situation.
Thanks Aerin. I always appreciate different opinions & I actually agree with you in some ways. I just think in California that they push the issue so hard that it ends up hurting good moms that are trying to get away from bad dads.
I'll take stab at this one also!
I'm more on the side of Aerin, although I do see your point in regards to your cousin.
But, I think of my husband here. He's an incredible Dad. The girls absolutely adore him and he is more than capable to care for the children. If we were to divorce, the abscence of him would be so damaging that I would want him to have as much access to the girls as possible.
I also think of my own upbringing. My parents divorced when I was 7 and from that point on I only saw my Dad 3 days out of the month. How scarring that was for me. We still struggle with our relationship as we never really had the time during my childhood to form one.
With that being said, I think of a few friends who's husbands aren't even capable of brushing their children's teeth and have absolutely no clue what goes on in their homes. I can't imagine how those kids would adapt.
So, I guess when it boils down, I think it depends on the father. Was he merely a sperm donor with no involvement or a real Daddy who had just as much involvement as the Mom!
Hey Em - It seems like when you get a great man like that...you don't let him go so no divorce or custody battles. :)
I have another friend going back to court after 4 years because her ex suddenly decided he wanted a relationship with their son. The boy was 2 when he left & hasn't seen him since. The guy NEVER did anything for the boy. I understand that he probably realized his mistake, but can he even take care of the little things in the one weekend a month that he'll see him?
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