Me Moments Winner

I just found out today that I am the winner of the Me Moments Basket from Dayngr Girl, who can now be followed at: dayngrzone.com.

The beauty basket is part of the marketing promotion for the movie Playing for Keeps, here is the clip from youtube:

2012 Christmas Cards

I think I mention every year that I like to get my Christmas cards together and out the door in the very beginning of December.  That did not happen this year.  In fact, I struggled to get the motivation to do them at all.  I took the above picture in my backyard on Thanksgiving.  I dragged the kids out there, set up my point & shoot camera on a kitchen bar stool, and had to keep reminding the kids to look at the camera while the timer kept snapping pictures.  It was definitely not a thrilling experience.  I didn't even know if we would end up with one decent picture.

The one above turned out ok, so I made it black & white and ordered a stack of them from mpix.

That is where my little amount of motivation pretty much halted.  I decided to stop complaining to myself and do the essential Christmas cards - great grandparents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my office in Miami.  Once I mailed those off and looked at the stack of pictures left over, I realized I should make a little more effort.  There isn't a lot I can do for Christmas this year for financial reasons, so I wanted to at least send these out.  I decided just to simplify.  I got a box of Christmas themed cards from Hobby Lobby (half-price sale).  I printed a simple message on the inside rather than personalized ones.  I stuck the above picture on the front and called it good.  This isn't my usual effort, but it was nice to do send them off like I typically do.  

One of my friends once told me that she doesn't like sending Christmas cards or Christmas letters because some people think you are bragging.  For the past few years, when I am sending out cards, I think about that and laugh.  I doubt anyone thinks that I am bragging about my life.  While I have many blessing and things I am happy about, I have very little to boast about.     

December Projects

This month, I ended up doing quite a bit of sewing and other projects.  The strange part is that I didn't take very many pictures.  In fact, I only took pictures of a few of the things I made before giving them or sending them off as gifts.  I made matching pjs for the kids to wear to Jordan's birthday party at the beginning of the month.  I also made pj pants for Jordan and a snowman skirt for Lexi.  I even sewed the dish towels below.

This year, I am very thankful that I started sewing a year ago and can manage a few projects.  I hope to develop this talent even more next year.  I guess that means many of my friends and family will be suffering through more of my homemade gifts.  ;)

Emotional Roller Coaster

This was the first weekend that my ex has taken the kids for more than one night since June.  In fact, over the past few months (years really) he often misses taking them all together even when he promised them he would come.  That is just part of who he is.  We are all used to it.  To be honest, I have really enjoyed that about him.  Sometimes when I think about the bad things in the marriage, I would at least be happy that he isn't a pushy dad.   I like to think that I may have missed the mark when it came to him as a husband, but he is the kind of ex husband I prefer.   

I always put my kids first.  Maybe giving them a little more of their own time is a good thing, but I don’t like to.  Family time is number one on my list.  Other than school, they are RARELY in the care of someone else.  I was even like that when I lived in California.  I hardly ever left them with my mom.  If there is a choice, I consistently choose to be with them.  I just like it that way. 

Needless to say, this was a very emotional weekend for me.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.  The rest of the time, I cried my eyes out.  I went to church today very exhausted with puffy eyes.  I felt overwhelmed by these emotions.  Lots of concerned people asked me about the kids in a polite way.  It was difficult to talk about them though.  I am good at keeping it together in those situations, but on the inside I was dying.  I think it is even worse that their dad has them again next weekend and for Christmas.  Fortunately (for me), my ex’s fiance will be out of town, so he’ll probably bring them over for a bike ride or something on the weekend.  He already said he would like to be over here for Christmas Eve & Christmas day, which is a huge relief for me.  I am also thrilled that he doesn't have any vacation time or he would have them all week.  If we played by the book, he could have them from the 21^st to the 28^th without me seeing them even once.  Typing that makes me feel like I have a hole in my heart and knots in my stomach. 

For these reasons, I hope that when he gets married and moves across town, he’ll go back to his usual ways.  I know that isn't nice and it is better for them to have an involved father, but it makes me happier.  If he doesn't, I’m sure I’ll start thinking about moving far away again.  Yes, I am a bit selfish like that, but notice I said start thinking about moving away.  I don’t have the money and I love living here.  I’ll also be dreaming about how nice it would be if he moved away.  His fiance has lots of family here and her own little business, so I doubt that will happen. 

In the last post, I wrote that I am feeling positive about the future.  I am also feeling deeply saddened about the possibility of spending less time with my kids.  No matter what, divorce is awful especially when you have kids.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I can only imagine how bad it is when exes can’t stand each other.  

Treat of the Season

This month I have had NO desire to bake or cook.  That isn't a good thing to happen to someone like me during December.  Fortunately, I have managed to be motivated by this little quick treat.  I saw the instructions for something very similar on Pinterest, but that was about as far as I got until a kind lady from church gave me a bag full of the treat made with pretzels, Hershey kisses and M&Ms.  They were a huge addictive hit for the kids and me.  I decided to make some with Rolos instead of kisses.  YUM!  The best part is that my little kitchen helper, Jordan, loves to help unwrap all of the Rolos.  

If you want to make them, use a cookie sheet to spread out the pretzels with either Rolos or Kisses on top.  Put in the oven at 350 degrees for ONLY 2 minutes.  Pull them out and press M&Ms on top of each one.  Cool and then you've got a tasty treat.  

Forgiveness Process

This past month has really thrown me for a loop.  When you truly believe that you have completely forgiven someone, it is shocking to suddenly find out that there is more baggage there to clear out.  In a way, I am glad that I have had a chance to dig in and figure this out.  This has been the main topic on my mind, so posting has become difficult.  I wasn't sure I should put it out there, but I am an open book and perhaps it will help someone else.  

Basically, it comes down to the fact that my thoughts and nightmares have been haunted by the past.  Flashbacks of horrible instances and many difficult to forgive acts in my marriage have been taunting me.  A good night of sleep has become a rare thing.  Almost every night, I manage to get to sleep, but right around 3 am, I am jolted awake by a nightmare.  This leads me down a path of thoughts and worry that doesn't allow me to rest again for several hours.  Of course, being tired has made me even sicker of the whole issue.  I decided to just be patient with myself and talk it out to many friends.  This is all part of the torture of divorce and tearing up a family.  All actions have consequences even when you weren't the main one at fault. 

My ex tells everyone that he is 100% responsible for what happened.  I would probably put it at around 95%.  I wasn't willing to hit bottom with him.  He had to hit that on his own after the divorce.   He has come a long way, but he has a ways to go.   

This morning, I didn't wake up until 5 am.  The best part was that I felt completely happy (tears of joy kind of happy).  I am actually thrilled that life gives people second chances.  I know the road is going to be difficult for him and his soon to be new wife, but I want to see them succeed and thrive.  I hope they can do that together. 

As for me, I am feeling very positive about the future.  I don’t know what it has in store, but working through the past only means things will get better.  Also, this little exercise in shedding burdens has made the scale my best friend.  Losing 10 lbs a month before my 40^th birthday means I am lighter physically as well as spiritually.  

Back to Me

I know that I have had a few posts about whether or not I should go back to using my maiden name.  Suddenly, this week, it feels right to do it.  For a while, I wrestled with wanting to share a name with my kids.  I wanted less confusion.  I have been using my maiden name for my work and Facebook, but my married name for personal life.

Recently, my ex has met and become very close to what seems to be the love of his life.  That is huge, since everyone else he has dated, he wouldn't even call a girlfriend.  They are even discussing the possibility of marriage in the next few months.  They introduced their kids to each other the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He has talked to me quite a bit about her and she seems good for him and very nice.  Lexi definitely likes her.  

To be frank, this new development has brought on a range of different emotions for me and even flashbacks of all of the crap that went on between us.  None of my feelings or emotions led to wanting to get back together not even for a second.  The worst feelings were about being a little angry that he gets to be happy now.  I know I was a great wife and 90% of our problems were caused by his issues.  He knows that too.  That little anger/pity-party for me kept re-occurring, but was fleeting every time because:

1. I have always wanted him to find someone first.  Before his mom died, she asked me to take care of him.  Even though the divorce broke a lot of the responsibility I felt for him, there was a part of me that still checked up on him.  Plus, I am often the only one he would talk to.  He has very little contact with his old friends.  When he gets down in the dumps, he completely shuts himself off from most people even me at times.  I know that if I moved on with my life, it would crush him even more.

2. I am where I need to be in my life and I am still making no efforts to date.  A lot of that has to do with being the best parent I can be.  I give all of myself to the kids and try to manage work, the house, finances, friendships, church, etc.

Other feelings include relief because I know he is happier.  When he is happier, things go better in his life and he is a good dad.  At times, I feel really worried for her and them.  He and I have had a few long telephone conversations this week.  I was open and honest with him and he told me he would share it all with her.  I have always said he has a great heart and infinite potential to be an amazing husband.  He has also come a LONG way in the last year or two.  I hope they are very happy and I am even looking forward to meeting her.

I just explained all of that to get to my main point.  I realized on Monday that I want to use my maiden name in my personal life too.  I will answer to either name and it will not bother me, but I suddenly feel like I am getting back a piece of me.  A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and is sort of being transferred to her.  It brings a bit of unexpected peace.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

Last week, I decided to go back and read my Thanksgiving post from last year.  I realized that my list of things that I am thankful for is exactly the same this year too.  Actually, I'd just get rid of the the last one.  While part of me realizes that it is just a great list, my heart sunk because I feel stuck in a sad little loop of my new life as a poor single mom.  I allowed myself to have a little pity party one day and then that was it (ok a few additional moments of despair here & there).

Today, I choose to smile because I am simply tired of feeling hopeless and sorry for myself.  Life goes on and I am thankful for all that I do have, but mostly I am thankful for wonderful people.  I feel blessed to have extraordinary kids, a fantastic family, amazing friends, and an exceptional boss.  Without them, I really would be hopeless.

Happy for my Cousin

I have been very grateful this month that others have gone out of their way to help us.  Whenever I catch the news, I am often saddened by the cruel or horrendous acts that people have done.  This month, I want to remember that there are many who are filled with loving hearts.  My cousin posted this clip of her son & family on Facebook:

Lifetime Friendships

One of my close friends had his 40^th birthday party this weekend.  I must admit that it is nice to get together with people in my age range before my big birthday hits.  It helps me realize that it is not such a big deal and that I’m very lucky to be living somewhere that I have so many wonderful friends.  I spent most of the evening catching up with another friend’s wife.   

By the end of the party, a group of us ended up standing around talking for a while.  Several of the guys got sentimental and appreciative of our long lasting friendship.  Sometimes I can't believe how many great friends I have had for over 20 years. Now, I can skip closer to my birthday feeling even happier for friendships that span a lifetime.