Forgiveness Process

This past month has really thrown me for a loop.  When you truly believe that you have completely forgiven someone, it is shocking to suddenly find out that there is more baggage there to clear out.  In a way, I am glad that I have had a chance to dig in and figure this out.  This has been the main topic on my mind, so posting has become difficult.  I wasn't sure I should put it out there, but I am an open book and perhaps it will help someone else.  

Basically, it comes down to the fact that my thoughts and nightmares have been haunted by the past.  Flashbacks of horrible instances and many difficult to forgive acts in my marriage have been taunting me.  A good night of sleep has become a rare thing.  Almost every night, I manage to get to sleep, but right around 3 am, I am jolted awake by a nightmare.  This leads me down a path of thoughts and worry that doesn't allow me to rest again for several hours.  Of course, being tired has made me even sicker of the whole issue.  I decided to just be patient with myself and talk it out to many friends.  This is all part of the torture of divorce and tearing up a family.  All actions have consequences even when you weren't the main one at fault. 

My ex tells everyone that he is 100% responsible for what happened.  I would probably put it at around 95%.  I wasn't willing to hit bottom with him.  He had to hit that on his own after the divorce.   He has come a long way, but he has a ways to go.   

This morning, I didn't wake up until 5 am.  The best part was that I felt completely happy (tears of joy kind of happy).  I am actually thrilled that life gives people second chances.  I know the road is going to be difficult for him and his soon to be new wife, but I want to see them succeed and thrive.  I hope they can do that together. 

As for me, I am feeling very positive about the future.  I don’t know what it has in store, but working through the past only means things will get better.  Also, this little exercise in shedding burdens has made the scale my best friend.  Losing 10 lbs a month before my 40^th birthday means I am lighter physically as well as spiritually.