Burning Up

It is certainly time to pray for some REAL rain for Texas. We are burning up. I am glad that I live in an area where there isn't an active fire. However, we have fires to the west of us and fires to the north. Sadly, there are choking clouds of smoke everywhere. I am tired of smelling and breathing it.  We even had ashes falling around our house on Monday evening.  The weather has finally gotten a little cooler and now the smoke forces us to stay inside.

On Sunday, my son started announcing to people that a hurricane is coming. I don't know why.  We hadn’t been discussing it or anything. I am simply hoping for a very wet tropical storm, one that lingers for several days and soaks everything.

Divorce Talk

A few weeks ago, I realized that so many of my posts focus on divorce and being single. Not that it is a bad topic, but I decided that I was a bit tired of the whole thing. I wanted to mix it up a little.

However, the bizarre thing about this status is that somehow it inspires people to open up and share their marriage struggles and thoughts of divorce. Plus, meeting other divorcees happens naturally. I end up hearing and talking a lot about the whole divorcee way of life. While it is quite interesting and really opens my eyes up to how fortunate I truly am, I wonder what the deeper meaning in all of this. Life is so complicated with a million different answers and directions as well as insane reasoning behind decisions and feelings.

When it comes to others, mainly I just listen without judging. I believe it is important to look at situations from diverse angles and consider all options. I bring up many different points good and bad without stating my opinion. Ultimately, relationships are so personal that only each individual can figure out what they truly want to do or are ready to do.

Through all these various discussions, I have realized that only the most fortunate people survive a divorce with a relatively small amount of money being paid to lawyers, without hateful feelings, and being able to maintain a friendship not to mention mutual respect. Life is far from easy and divorce is horrible, but I consider myself a rare lucky divorcee.

First Day of School 2011

Lexi's first day of kindergarten was yesterday. She was quite excited about it and had a great day.  I had no doubts that it would be good.  Both she and I were more than ready for this day.  The only one that got a little emotional was Jordan and that was back at home when he was missing her. 

 

Lexi's Reading Lessons

We finally finished Lexi's 100th reading lesson. Remember back in November when I posted her 55th reading lesson? Well, we got up to 74 and stalled. I had too much work and it was quite grueling to keep her focused and interested. The lessons went out the window. When we got back to Texas, Lexi’s friend (daughter of my friend) was close to finishing the 100 lessons. That gave Lexi the motivation she needed to nag me to do them.

I decided the best way to do it would be to start over again. We finished the first 20 lessons in one afternoon. Getting up to the first 50 lessons went quickly. Lexi remembered all of the sounds and sped through them. After that, we rarely did more than one lesson a day, but we kept up with it. We both really wanted to finish before school starts. Also, she has been excited for the ice cream party that I promised her from the beginning.

Kids Talk

Today is the two year anniversary of the divorce. Emotionally, I am in a much better place and so is my ex. I know it was absolutely the right decision, even though breaking up a family is so difficult and shouldn’t have to happen ever. However, life has a way of helping people grow, heal and move on.

This week, I saw an article about dealing with your ex getting a new girlfriend. One of the author’s suggestions was encouraging your kids not to talk about the other parent’s life or your life. I think that advice is sad.

First of all, I can’t imagine discouraging my kids from sharing anything that affects their lives. I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything and everything. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons my kids are non-stop talkers. I don’t want them to keep things from me. I hope by getting in this habit, they’ll come to me with everything especially during the teenage years or if anyone ever does anything to them that I NEED to know about.

Secondly, I don’t want them to feel guilty or bad about a person that is hopefully a positive influence in their lives. I wouldn’t discourage them from talking about their teachers or friends’ moms. Their dad’s girlfriend or their step-mom would be a significant part of their lives, especially since they spend every other weekend with him and most likely her.

Thirdly, kids are constantly trying to understand the world and life. Every new situation creates questions. They want to understand what things mean and how things work, especially relationships. Questions like: What will happen if they get married? What if they have a baby? How will that baby be related to me? Will that baby be related to you, mom? Will my dad still love me? Etc. Kids naturally ask questions and probably feel more comfortable asking the person who answers most of their questions, which in my experience is their mom.

I guess this point in the article struck a nerve because I am dealing with this currently. My ex has a special woman in his life that the kids spend time with. In fact, most of the time they are with him, she is too. I haven’t met her yet, but she seems like a great person and is really getting attached to the kids. I am sure that she is good for him and the kids. Since my kids are TALKERS, I have heard all about her and him and them and answered all kinds of questions. Sure, it sometimes causes moments of insecurity or self-doubt (when I think about it later after they are asleep), but overall I feel like it is a positive thing.

Then again, I am able to listen and answer from an emotionally stable place and with a level head. My point is that advice columns can be wrong. Before taking advice, think about it from all different angles and potential outcomes.

Lack of Television Obsession

My life seems to revolve around taking care of the kids, work, cleaning the house, cooking and a little sleep. Even my social life has more to do with entertaining the kids than simply being me time. Fortunately, I get to hang out with friends that have kids that are friends with my kids. So, I kill two birds with one stone. I love that. One thing, this current lifestyle leads to is the lack of opportunity to indulge in television watching. That means I should to stick to quality programs when I get the rare moment.

When I was in California, I caught a few episodes of Glee, Bones, Lie To Me, and a few others that I quite liked. However, I always end up missing most of the episodes in a season even if I think the show is amazing. This tendency helped lead to my decision to not get cable. Instead, we have a Wii so we can watch Netflix. I also watch on my computer.  If I have time for a movie, I mostly like cheesy chic flicks. I try to watch one when the kids are out with their dad when I am not terribly busy working.

Somehow, while searching for something interesting but not so long, I stumbled across a tv show that sounded very out of the ordinary. It is called Obsessed. It is a reality show, but not the staged contest kind that I dislike. It is more like a documentary. I have only watched about 4 episodes, but it is fascinating. Actually, it is fascinating, creepy, desperately sad, completely insane, and then full of hope and moving on. Each episode is about two different people living with extreme cases of OCD. They discuss and document their issues and then go through 12 weeks of face-your-fears type of therapy.

I have always enjoyed biographies and real life stories, especially ones where people open up and lay it all on the line. Not only are these people sharing the darkest part of their lives, but they are finding manageable solutions to something that has plagued them for years. Although, I am easy going and can’t see any real similarities to their problems, it is inspiring to watch them tackle an issue head-on and then transform.

Two Months In Texas

Today marks the two month anniversary of our return to grand ol Texas! Yeehaw! What’s not to love???? Overall, I can say that I am thrilled to be back, but it hasn’t been all dreamy easy. Basically, it is a mix of inner peace/pure happiness and worry/adjusting.

Adjusting hasn’t been an issue for me specifically. In fact, right as we were first pulling in I felt like I’d never left. Two years flew by. Everything is familiar and my friends all look the same. Their kids had grown up a lot, but that didn’t take long to get used to. My house feels normal too. Mostly, I just put things back the way they were. The sad part is that the house needs quite a few minor repairs and I just have to be patient while I get other things going so I can get to it. Lexi & Jordan have been trying to adjust though. They have loved being back, but they get sentimental now and then when they think about their grandparents or my sister.

Another issue is money. Isn’t it always though? Money is extremely tight (actually slipping back a little), but promising. In addition to my job, I have two clients that keep me jumping. Once those take off, I am looking forward to the cash flow improving. They both seem quite happy and I know I will be able to work better once school starts and there are more moments of quiet around here.

I guess another topic is my social life, which involves friends. I love being around old friends. I have quite a few here. There is just something too special about someone who knows you over more than two decades. They know my family and who I really am. It is comforting and still fun.

My love life is exactly where I want it to be, which is essentially nowhere with a little twist. The kids and I have gone on three play dates with that guy and his kids that I mentioned in the last post. He is SOOOO nice. He doesn’t want to date yet because his divorce isn’t finalized, which I think is the right thing to do. Plus, he is clearly suffering from heartache in the emotional rollercoaster of divorce. He wants and needs a friend just as much as I do. Although I am sad he is going through this, I am very comfortable with our platonic friendship that involves a little flirting. I quite enjoy talking to him too. I think this friendship is therapeutic for both of us.

Not bad or boring for two months of my life. In one more month and a few days, my little Lexi will be starting kindergarten. More adjustments with life moving onward.

No Feminine Allure

Out of the people that I know who read my blog, I am not sure there are many that have experienced what I feel like revealing tonight. Sadly, when someone has gone through a rather long spell without any type of romantic connection, they begin to see themselves as non-attractive. I realize that it sounds like I am referring to some steamy passionate entanglement, but I am really talking about ANY type of interaction like flirting.

Logically speaking, I understand that I have chosen to spend the last (almost) year as close to nun-hood as possible. It isn’t the first time. Well, I take that back. I highly doubt that I have ever shunned the dating scene for an entire year. I was 30 when I got married, so the single life is something that I am thoroughly familiar with. I took quite a few breaks (several months long) back in the pre-marriage days. Breathers can be nice.

In many ways, choosing the life of a quasi-nun can feel very liberating and can be a time of great introspection. There are a lot of things that need my focus right now and I barely feel like I am keeping up. Sometimes, one more thing gets thrown into my life and it feels overwhelming.

Plus, I absolutely don’t like the whole fakeness of first dates and chit chatting with strangers who may or may not want to spend the rest of their lives being in love.  It’s just not at all appealing right now. Granted, there isn’t an abundance of single men in any of the activities or hang-outs that I spend time at. In fact, mostly I see lots of moms. I rarely see any men (married or not). Truthfully, my chances of even bumping into single men are pretty low. I live in the suburbs. I only do kid/family-friendly activities. I work from home so I don’t even see my colleagues or meet many new people.

On a highly depressing note, living a nun-ish life leads a girl to feel like no normal guy could possibly be interested in her. I wonder if I am even capable of getting a guy’s attention, assuming that I would actually find one that I am interested in. I’ve forgotten how to flirt, if I ever really knew. For the sake of this rambling post, let’s pretend somehow I could get his attention. Then, what? My life is consumed by my kids and work. I would have to dig deep to even remember other interests in an attempt to carry on even one fascinating conversation.

Alas, this circle of self doubt and complete disinterest in dating will continue for the time being. Mostly, I know that it is best for me right now. However, I’d just love a little flirtatious smile or harmless wink from a half-way handsome single man near my age to signal that perhaps just maybe I still got it.

**Update: After writing this post last night, I took the kids to the pool today and happened to get what I wished for.   There were a few dads there.  One who was holding a baby & had two other kids started talking to me.  I thought that his wife was probably on one of the beach chairs.  He asked, "What do ya'll do for a living?"  I told him that I am divorced and then about my work.  I asked him what he does & he said that he is currently going through a divorce.  Our kids played and we had a nice time.  He shared a few things, but said it was hard to talk with the kids.  I was friendly, but not divulging much.  Before he left, he politely asked for my number to see if we could schedule a play date for the kids.  Pretty harmless, right?  How could someone refuse that? -- I don't know if we'll ever get together.  It would be nice to have a friend.  The best part of this was finding out that I am not repulsive. 

What's My Name?

Today, two different people asked me my last name and I couldn't answer.  Does that seem like a dumb blonde thing or what?  Fortunately, both of them knew both of the last names I go by, but wasn't sure which one I preferred.  Sadly, I don't know which one I prefer either and I've been divorced for 2 years.

On the one hand, I am probably leaning more towards my maiden name.  I am living in a place where quite a few people know my family so I'm classified as one of them anyways.  Plus, I've been using that name for work this entire time.  I started working for my company before I got married and it seemed like such a hassle to make the change, especially since I am marketing person who has lots of contacts.  It would affect my e-mail, business cards, etc.  Technically, it is not only my last name, but now it is officially my middle name.  My parents didn't give me a middle name.  When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name.  My first name, maiden name & last name are on all my documents (drivers license, passport, social security, etc).  Going back to only using my maiden name also signifies in my mind that I am single and completely in charge of my own life.  In a way, it is liberating but only in my mind.

On the other hand, there is a small part of me that thinks sharing my married name with my kids makes us feel more like a family.  I don't want them to feel even a little alienated by the divorce.  I wonder if by deciding to officially stop using our last name, it would send a signal that I am rejecting the name that is part of who they are.  Of course, that is probably over thinking it, but you get my point.  Also, I just don't want the hassle of officially changing it.  What a pain that can be.  

I've mentioned this topic of divorcing and last names before but mainly from view of the guy's new wife.  As far as I know, my ex isn't very close to that next step.  It would feel strange to share a last name with my ex if he has a new wife.

I guess on this one issue, I am still in limbo.  For now, I tell people that I'll answer to either name, but I just don't know what I want.  There may be a perk to being undecided.  It will be so much tougher for people to gossip about me when half of the people know me by one name and the other half know me by another.

Who’s your Daddy?

Don't you just love when your kids say something so ridiculously funny when they have no idea what they are saying?  Tonight, I overheard this conversation between Lexi and Jordan:

Lexi, "Jordan, you have to shake what your momma gave you."
Jordan, "No, the mailman gave me this."

At this point, I am thinking... the mailman gave him something?  ...and sounds like I had an affair with the mailman and he is Jordan's real dad.  I just had to walk into the other room to see what he was talking about.

I asked him what the mailman gave him.  Jordan pointed at his shirt.  I guess when I order things online, it is really the mailman that gives it to Jordan.