Today is the two year anniversary of the divorce. Emotionally, I am in a much better place and so is my ex. I know it was absolutely the right decision, even though breaking up a family is so difficult and shouldn’t have to happen ever. However, life has a way of helping people grow, heal and move on.
This week, I saw an article about dealing with your ex getting a new girlfriend. One of the author’s suggestions was encouraging your kids not to talk about the other parent’s life or your life. I think that advice is sad.
First of all, I can’t imagine discouraging my kids from sharing anything that affects their lives. I want them to feel like they can talk to me about anything and everything. Perhaps, that is one of the reasons my kids are non-stop talkers. I don’t want them to keep things from me. I hope by getting in this habit, they’ll come to me with everything especially during the teenage years or if anyone ever does anything to them that I NEED to know about.
Secondly, I don’t want them to feel guilty or bad about a person that is hopefully a positive influence in their lives. I wouldn’t discourage them from talking about their teachers or friends’ moms. Their dad’s girlfriend or their step-mom would be a significant part of their lives, especially since they spend every other weekend with him and most likely her.
Thirdly, kids are constantly trying to understand the world and life. Every new situation creates questions. They want to understand what things mean and how things work, especially relationships. Questions like: What will happen if they get married? What if they have a baby? How will that baby be related to me? Will that baby be related to you, mom? Will my dad still love me? Etc. Kids naturally ask questions and probably feel more comfortable asking the person who answers most of their questions, which in my experience is their mom.
I guess this point in the article struck a nerve because I am dealing with this currently. My ex has a special woman in his life that the kids spend time with. In fact, most of the time they are with him, she is too. I haven’t met her yet, but she seems like a great person and is really getting attached to the kids. I am sure that she is good for him and the kids. Since my kids are TALKERS, I have heard all about her and him and them and answered all kinds of questions. Sure, it sometimes causes moments of insecurity or self-doubt (when I think about it later after they are asleep), but overall I feel like it is a positive thing.
Then again, I am able to listen and answer from an emotionally stable place and with a level head. My point is that advice columns can be wrong. Before taking advice, think about it from all different angles and potential outcomes.
3 comments:
I think you are right on. It's good that you were not a teen when you had your children because chances are your ex's girlfriend is a grown-up and someone you can feel comfortable letting your kids spend time with. I believe kids should never be discouraged from sharing, as long as they are not being "inappropriate" for a reaction. I don't have a lot of patience with that. Ironically, giving them their craved reaction and creating a vicious cycle, but that's a story for another day!
Agreed, that was crappy advice. I think kids should be able to talk about everything with their parents. Good for you!
Advice can absolutely be wrong! Or maybe the person who gives it thinks it works for him/her, so it must work for everyone else.
As a person whose parents divorced at age three, I think telling kids not to talk about the other parent is confusing and stressful to the child. Kids do need to be able to talk about what's going on in their lives -- bravo to you.
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