What's My Name?

Today, two different people asked me my last name and I couldn't answer.  Does that seem like a dumb blonde thing or what?  Fortunately, both of them knew both of the last names I go by, but wasn't sure which one I preferred.  Sadly, I don't know which one I prefer either and I've been divorced for 2 years.

On the one hand, I am probably leaning more towards my maiden name.  I am living in a place where quite a few people know my family so I'm classified as one of them anyways.  Plus, I've been using that name for work this entire time.  I started working for my company before I got married and it seemed like such a hassle to make the change, especially since I am marketing person who has lots of contacts.  It would affect my e-mail, business cards, etc.  Technically, it is not only my last name, but now it is officially my middle name.  My parents didn't give me a middle name.  When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name.  My first name, maiden name & last name are on all my documents (drivers license, passport, social security, etc).  Going back to only using my maiden name also signifies in my mind that I am single and completely in charge of my own life.  In a way, it is liberating but only in my mind.

On the other hand, there is a small part of me that thinks sharing my married name with my kids makes us feel more like a family.  I don't want them to feel even a little alienated by the divorce.  I wonder if by deciding to officially stop using our last name, it would send a signal that I am rejecting the name that is part of who they are.  Of course, that is probably over thinking it, but you get my point.  Also, I just don't want the hassle of officially changing it.  What a pain that can be.  

I've mentioned this topic of divorcing and last names before but mainly from view of the guy's new wife.  As far as I know, my ex isn't very close to that next step.  It would feel strange to share a last name with my ex if he has a new wife.

I guess on this one issue, I am still in limbo.  For now, I tell people that I'll answer to either name, but I just don't know what I want.  There may be a perk to being undecided.  It will be so much tougher for people to gossip about me when half of the people know me by one name and the other half know me by another.

Who’s your Daddy?

Don't you just love when your kids say something so ridiculously funny when they have no idea what they are saying?  Tonight, I overheard this conversation between Lexi and Jordan:

Lexi, "Jordan, you have to shake what your momma gave you."
Jordan, "No, the mailman gave me this."

At this point, I am thinking... the mailman gave him something?  ...and sounds like I had an affair with the mailman and he is Jordan's real dad.  I just had to walk into the other room to see what he was talking about.

I asked him what the mailman gave him.  Jordan pointed at his shirt.  I guess when I order things online, it is really the mailman that gives it to Jordan.

Leaps of Faith

When I got out of college, I took huge leaps of faith several times. Twice I decided to move to a different city (Denver & Miami) where I didn’t know anyone, didn’t know where I would live and didn’t have a job. I just packed up my car and hit the road. I was quite nervous about whether or not it would work out, but I have moved almost every year of my entire life so I just went for it.

It is one of the things about me that my friends laugh at/half admire/think is insane. Getting older has slightly decreased my desire to do that, but it is clearly still part of who I am. This recent move back to Texas wasn’t completely into the unknown. First, I am still working for the company that I started with in 2002. Second, I knew that I would be moving back to my house. Unpacking has been easy since I mostly just put things where I had them before. Third, I know my way around town. Not only did I live here for two years before going to California, but my family has lived here off and on since we moved here when I was in high school. This feels like home for me. Fourth, I have lots of close friends here many of whom feel like family. There is nothing like having a long history/friendship with people. All of these points lead me to be being truly happy.

However, life is never completely perfect. I have had to get use to sharing custody. Not that there is anything wrong with it or that it has been difficult, but I am a little over protective as a mother in some ways. I think I have been doing a pretty decent job of sharing though. Unfortunately, my main concern is our financial situation. I am currently only working part-time for my company. With the very slow (practically stopped) economy in Florida, that is all they need from me. I have decided that the best way to cover the bills is to do a little consulting on the side. I know I am great at my job, but I just have to find clients. That is why I have been absent on my blog. Basically, I’m busy with another one of my leaps of faith. I just pray that this one goes as well as all the others have.

Easter Dress

Even though I love holidays, Easter Sunday wasn't that thrilling for me this year.  I have a huge proposal due today and it needed lots of attention this weekend.  Of course, we did the whole bunny thing.  The kids woke up and found their baskets.  Then we got ready for church.  After church, they went to a party/picnic with my mom, step-father & sister, while I worked.  The highlight for me that day was wearing my new Easter dress which I got courtesy of Tropic of Me and Family.  Winning something is SO exciting!  Thanks Holly!!!

Sunday in my City

One of my favorite blogs, Relish My Relish, has a Sunday tradition. She calls it Sundays in my City. She posts pictures of an activity her family experienced. Apparently, she belongs to an Australian blogging group and they all do it. It is an interesting way to see some of the great attractions from Down Under.  Today, I am going to copy that idea and share a San Diego gem. 

As my time in California grows short, I realize that there are many sites/activities/adventures we are going to miss. The La Jolla Cove will definitely be on the top of the list. I decided to head there this afternoon with the kids.  We walked around, looked at the seals, listened to the sound of the ocean, climbed trees, and had a good time.  I should probably admit that there is one thing I have not and do not plan to do in California and that is get in the ocean.  Ten years of living in Florida has completely spoiled me as far as ocean temperatures go.  Anything below 80 degrees is just torture.  The temperature of the water here was 60 degrees today, which is beautiful to look at and that is about it. 

Lucky for Me

At church, there are a few young families that have one or both of the spouses in the military. Recently, a mom that is about my age had her husband deployed. The thing that makes her story unique is that they have quite a few very small children. In fact, they have a daughter Lexi’s age (5), a son Jordan’s age (3) who has down syndrome, and twins (boy and a girl) that are almost one. She is a SAHM that has her hands full even when her husband is around to help.

One of her personality traits that seems to help her get through (clearly survive emotionally) is her ability to share her babies. They are often passed around and are quite comfortable with strangers. I have realized that my over protective tendencies do not make me a very good at this, so I admire it in others. I also recognize what a wonderful gift to be able to share with others. It is amazing the amount of happiness that comes from cuddling, rocking, and caring for a baby even if only for an hour or so. Sometimes I see women who are not able to get pregnant, or women who have all their children grown, or women whose kids are just a little older find this pure joy from loving on her babies.

Today, I got that honor. Normally, I am hesitant about offering to do that for someone I don’t know well. Not because I don’t want to help, but I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable about an acquaintance doing it. However, it was the last class at church, Relief Society, which is the class for adult women to attend. She is the chorister for the two songs that are sung. It was coming time for the opening song and she looked a little flustered, so I held out my arms. She got a huge smile on her face and handed me her daughter and apologized for the baby’s crankiness. Suddenly, I was full of love. I bounced her sweet baby then stood up and rocked with her for a few short minutes before she fell asleep. I got to spend the class cradling a baby and felt so lucky the whole time. I was sure to let her know that I would be happy to help ANYTIME!

Summer of Fun

I have been so swamped with work lately that I haven't really had time to think about moving back to Texas.  Now, I realize it is five and a half weeks away and there is so much to do (including lots of work still).  However, I am full of excitement.  I have decided that this summer is going to be GREAT with lots of pool time.  Plus, our weekdays will have themes to ensure that it will be a blast even when it isn't.  We are going to have:

Manic Mondays (cleaning, running errands, & grocery shopping)
Taco Tuesdays (make some type of Mexican food for dinner)
Wacky Wednesdays (some very silly/high energy fun activity)
Themed Thursdays (pirate day, princess day, dragon day, etc)
Freaky Fridays (not quite sure what yet)

I realize that labeling things doesn't necessarily make them fun, but they sound better and sometimes that counts for a lot.  My kids are already looking forward to it.

Emerging as Myself

This week, I read an article in a magazine about Botox that inspired a whole train of thought and an extremely strange analogy. Yes, I am weird. I am not in any way an expert of Botox. In fact, I have never even seriously thought about getting it and I only know a few people who have had it. Mainly, I just like reading studies about almost anything. This particular one said that although Botox only works for a few months, many patients who do it a few times in four months happen to see results up to 20 months. Their conclusion was that paralyzing the muscle actually gives the skin time to repair itself.

Now, for the strange analogy – for the past few weeks I have been thinking about how I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time. About a year ago, I posted about losing myself here: Lost My Spit Fire

I know that besides going through divorce, coming to California to live with my mom has been difficult for me, personally. No, not in any of the ways one might easily guess. My mom works full time and is laid back. She doesn’t meddle at all or even try to pry into my life much, just in a caring helpful way. My problem is that I am a fiercely independent person. I prefer to take care of myself, handle everything by myself, and I never ask for help. I am the one that helps others. I was even the main breadwinner for most of my marriage. Deciding to move here was not easy for me. However, I knew it was the best decision for me because I could continue working part-time and still be able to take care of my kids full-time. That felt significantly important to me. (I am not saying that it would be the best choice for anyone else or even for me at a different point in my life.)

Many changes have occurred since then. Recently, I have realized that it is time for the next phase of life. Preparing to go back to being completely self-sufficient is giving me a breath of fresh air. Although money will be extremely tight for a while, I am thrilled to know that I will be back on my own. As I look back on these past almost 2 years, I now realize that being here was enormously beneficial for me. Yes, I felt a bit paralyzed like I wasn’t moving forward or really doing anything with my life other than being the kind of mom that I wanted to be. Yet, just like Botox, being paralyzed allowed me to heal. I am genuinely at peace, more confident, appreciative of my current situation, and even, dare I say, incredibly cheerful.

Brother's Wedding

This weekend, my youngest brother is getting married. Sadly, the kids and I will not be attending. They live in the middle of nowhere Montana, which means that buying three plane tickets to their miniature airport would be very expensive. A long road trip isn't in the cards either. I just have too much work to take that much time off. This is always my busiest time of year. Plus, we'll be driving half way across the US soon enough when we head back to Texas in two months.

Having said all that, I really do wish I could be there. Family events are always a wonderfully hectic time and I am mainly sad that my kids will miss out on the fun. We are still making efforts to be part of the wedding and get into the spirit of it all.  Last week, Lexi decided that we should draw pictures of them getting married. Her masterpiece is above. As for my art work, I chose to dig deep and really get to the heart of their characters. I call it “Normal Girl marries the Mad Hatter.” - (remember that big sister = master taunter)

To be fair, I am posting a real picture of them.  I wish them the best.  The kids are excited to get another aunt!

By the way, none of my family members read my blog.  They are vaguely aware it exists, but they just aren't blogging people. 

Loving the Green Today

St Patty's Day is always a big deal for us.  My mom is half Irish and always had to make it fun.  Of course, we're celebrating it this year in silly little ways.  Last night, I made sure the kids had green pjs so they would wake up and not get pinched.  I guess that means I can't pinch them either.  This morning, I had them help me make green tinted oatmeal, which left me with a green index finger for the day.  We'll find other little ways to celebrate, but sadly I have a huge deadline tomorrow morning.  I've been working practically around the clock and have not had time or energy to devote too much to this day, but you can bet we're wearing our shamrocks & enjoying it.