Steve lost his job today. Sounds like a fun new development in our little saga, right? Now, I am dealing with filing for the divorce, terrible work deadlines, updating and sending out his resume, trying to get the house ready to put on the market to rent even faster, wondering if I'll default on a mortgage payment if finding renters takes too long, thinking about life with only my little salary coming in (no child support), worrying about health insurance for me and the kids, and trying to maintain some level of normalcy for the kids. I also heard that someone I considered a grandfather to me (my great uncle) died this week.
Does anyone have a shovel? I don't think this hole I am in is quite deep enough.
My brother warned me that divorce (even ones for good reasons) brings about huge amounts of negative karma. I guess he was right. I didn’t even mention that I was involved in a hit and run a week ago.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Summer Sun
With the start of summer and Lexi taking swim lesson, we have been spending a lot of time at the pool. My hair is already going quite blonde and my skin is tan (for me). In fact, I haven't been like this since I lived in the Bahamas for six months. I know I am the self proclaimed "freckle face girl," but the last few weeks have secured that silly title. I am COVERED with freckles. The strange thing is that I have been wearing sun block with spf 70. I would like to know how the rays get through that.
We are ALSO on our way to getting green hair. It is just one of those things that blondes have to deal with. I remember the green tint happening a few times when I was a kid. I know that is something I want to avoid. Saturday, I bought Paul Mitchell Shampoo #3, which is supposed to knock that problem out of the water.
What a summer, right? Can you imagine how attractive too many freckles & green hair would be?
We are ALSO on our way to getting green hair. It is just one of those things that blondes have to deal with. I remember the green tint happening a few times when I was a kid. I know that is something I want to avoid. Saturday, I bought Paul Mitchell Shampoo #3, which is supposed to knock that problem out of the water.
What a summer, right? Can you imagine how attractive too many freckles & green hair would be?
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
All About the Number Eight
I have been tagged to do ‘8 Things’ by Del from My Relish, so here it goes
To do list (i.e. “the rules”):
1. Mention the person who tagged me.
2. Complete the list of 8’s.
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them.
Eight things I am looking forward to:
1. Spending lots of time swimming with my kids and our friends this summer
2. Having Lexi complete swim lessons. She is doing so well. I just can’t wait to see how good she’ll be at the end.
3. Visiting the BlueBell Ice Cream Factory
4. Getting past several work deadlines that are coming up
5. Taking the kids to see Disney’s “Up”
6. Going back to Sea World San Antonio
7. Catching up on housework (not the doing it part)
8. Finding people to rent our house
Eight things I did yesterday (Saturday):
1. Was invited over to some friends' house for fun and dinner
2. Enjoyed socializing with adults while the kids played
3. Made oatmeal/craisen/white chocolate cookies
4. Scrubbed the refrigerator, oven, and microwave
5. Remembered that I hadn’t paid for the storage unit that we recently got and had to throw the kids in the car and rush over there.
6. Argued with Lexi about what she was going to wear (everyday)
7. Combed Lexi’s hair while she screamed (everyday)
8. Carried the sleeping kids in from the car after a late night of fun
Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Travel a LOT more, especially internationally
2. Sleep 7 to 8 hours a night at least once a week
3. Be independently wealthy (wishing…)
4. Fluently speak several foreign languages including Spanish, French, Japanese, Arabic, & Mandarin Chinese
5. Live as an Expat again
6. Save enough money for my kids’ college funds
7. Have the kind of body that I would want to show off
8. Find time for the things I like to do not just for the things I have to do
Eight shows I watch:
1. You Are What You Eat
2. Lie To Me
3. Bones
4. Any Dream Will Do
5. Monk
6. Psyche
7. HBO…
8. HBO… (this is the toughest list for me b/c I don’t watch very much tv)
Eight favorite fruits:
1. Cherries
2. Watermelon
3. Cantaloupe
4. Honeydew
5. Fuji Apples
6. Grapes
7. Strawberries
8. Mangos
Eight places I’d like to travel:
1. Morrocco
2. Greece
3. Peru
4. Australia
5. Japan
6. China
7. India
8. Alaska
Eight places I’ve lived:
1. Provo, Utah
2. Savannah, Georgia
3. Melbourne, Florida
4. Katy, Texas
5. Doha, Qatar
6. Miami, Florida
7. Little Stirrup Cay, Bahamas
8. Soon…La Jolla, CA
People I’ve tagged:
The Princess & Johnsy
Jeanette
Annette
Aimee
Anna
Reformatting My Brain
The Diva
Carmen
To do list (i.e. “the rules”):
1. Mention the person who tagged me.
2. Complete the list of 8’s.
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them.
Eight things I am looking forward to:
1. Spending lots of time swimming with my kids and our friends this summer
2. Having Lexi complete swim lessons. She is doing so well. I just can’t wait to see how good she’ll be at the end.
3. Visiting the BlueBell Ice Cream Factory
4. Getting past several work deadlines that are coming up
5. Taking the kids to see Disney’s “Up”
6. Going back to Sea World San Antonio
7. Catching up on housework (not the doing it part)
8. Finding people to rent our house
Eight things I did yesterday (Saturday):
1. Was invited over to some friends' house for fun and dinner
2. Enjoyed socializing with adults while the kids played
3. Made oatmeal/craisen/white chocolate cookies
4. Scrubbed the refrigerator, oven, and microwave
5. Remembered that I hadn’t paid for the storage unit that we recently got and had to throw the kids in the car and rush over there.
6. Argued with Lexi about what she was going to wear (everyday)
7. Combed Lexi’s hair while she screamed (everyday)
8. Carried the sleeping kids in from the car after a late night of fun
Eight things I wish I could do:
1. Travel a LOT more, especially internationally
2. Sleep 7 to 8 hours a night at least once a week
3. Be independently wealthy (wishing…)
4. Fluently speak several foreign languages including Spanish, French, Japanese, Arabic, & Mandarin Chinese
5. Live as an Expat again
6. Save enough money for my kids’ college funds
7. Have the kind of body that I would want to show off
8. Find time for the things I like to do not just for the things I have to do
Eight shows I watch:
1. You Are What You Eat
2. Lie To Me
3. Bones
4. Any Dream Will Do
5. Monk
6. Psyche
7. HBO…
8. HBO… (this is the toughest list for me b/c I don’t watch very much tv)
Eight favorite fruits:
1. Cherries
2. Watermelon
3. Cantaloupe
4. Honeydew
5. Fuji Apples
6. Grapes
7. Strawberries
8. Mangos
Eight places I’d like to travel:
1. Morrocco
2. Greece
3. Peru
4. Australia
5. Japan
6. China
7. India
8. Alaska
Eight places I’ve lived:
1. Provo, Utah
2. Savannah, Georgia
3. Melbourne, Florida
4. Katy, Texas
5. Doha, Qatar
6. Miami, Florida
7. Little Stirrup Cay, Bahamas
8. Soon…La Jolla, CA
People I’ve tagged:
The Princess & Johnsy
Jeanette
Annette
Aimee
Anna
Reformatting My Brain
The Diva
Carmen
Friday, June 05, 2009
Hand-Me-Downs
A few weeks ago, I started going through the kids’ old clothes and toys. I pulled out Lexi’s nicer clothes and decided to give them to a friend who has a two year old. Since then, I have seen her wearing a few of the outfits. I had no idea how happy it would make me to see her in the clothes. She is a cute little blonde and easily reminds me of Lexi at that age. It is funny that something so simple can bring back such fond memories.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Reactions to Divorce Announcement
One of the most difficult things about divorce is telling everyone the news. In general, I just don't bring it up. I've tried to share the news with some friends and family. When it comes to acquaintances though, I can't seem to throw it out there. It seems to start a conversation that shocks and saddens those around me. This is one of those times when I wish a busy body would spread it around for me. Here are a few of the comments I've heard:
...But, you have such a beautiful family.
Why? He loves you and the kids so much.
God hates divorce because it breaks up the family.
I bet he’ll win you back after a year.
That tall gorgeous guy?
You’ll find somebody and get married again soon.
Are you on birth control? (by an older man, who I am not comfortable discussing these things with)
It is good to do it while the kids are so young.
Couples need to wait until they have been married for twenty years. It gets easier after that.
...But, you two work so well together.
That is SOOOOO shocking. I just can't believe it.
I should say that most friends have said, "I am sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help you?" I know it isn't easy hearing news like that, which is probably why it is difficult to share it. I am confident that my decision is the right one, but I know it affects more people than just our immediate family. I also feel sorry for everyone else.
...But, you have such a beautiful family.
Why? He loves you and the kids so much.
God hates divorce because it breaks up the family.
I bet he’ll win you back after a year.
That tall gorgeous guy?
You’ll find somebody and get married again soon.
Are you on birth control? (by an older man, who I am not comfortable discussing these things with)
It is good to do it while the kids are so young.
Couples need to wait until they have been married for twenty years. It gets easier after that.
...But, you two work so well together.
That is SOOOOO shocking. I just can't believe it.
I should say that most friends have said, "I am sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help you?" I know it isn't easy hearing news like that, which is probably why it is difficult to share it. I am confident that my decision is the right one, but I know it affects more people than just our immediate family. I also feel sorry for everyone else.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Lie To Me
This evening, I stepped on the scale and couldn't help but smile when I saw that it said 115 lbs. I have never been in love with an inanimate object like I am tonight (even though I know it isn’t true). I am 5’6” and not at all freaky skinny. I don’t think I have been that weight since I was a young teenager.
In fact, I have been eating HORRIBLE things lately. Last Wednesday, when Steve left, I was suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. He had just signed the first set of papers and it was a big step towards the end of our marriage. For some strange reason, I felt an overpowering desire for sweets and all things chocolate. We didn’t have any in the house, so I took the kids to the grocery store.
Part of me felt guilty, but I also realized that it isn’t a normal reaction for me. I am usually upbeat. I also don’t usually dive into comfort food as a way to make myself feel better, because I know it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I have been drowning in work and other things and have allowed this horrible pick-me-up tactic to continue. It is much easier to grab snacks and get to work then it is to take a half hour to an hour to exercise and get that high from good things.
So, tonight, I was expecting the scale to give me bad news. Is wanting to believe an unrealistic little lie such a bad thing? Right now, I think not. Tomorrow though, I'll be back to exercising for better highs.
In fact, I have been eating HORRIBLE things lately. Last Wednesday, when Steve left, I was suddenly overwhelmed by sadness. He had just signed the first set of papers and it was a big step towards the end of our marriage. For some strange reason, I felt an overpowering desire for sweets and all things chocolate. We didn’t have any in the house, so I took the kids to the grocery store.
Part of me felt guilty, but I also realized that it isn’t a normal reaction for me. I am usually upbeat. I also don’t usually dive into comfort food as a way to make myself feel better, because I know it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I have been drowning in work and other things and have allowed this horrible pick-me-up tactic to continue. It is much easier to grab snacks and get to work then it is to take a half hour to an hour to exercise and get that high from good things.
So, tonight, I was expecting the scale to give me bad news. Is wanting to believe an unrealistic little lie such a bad thing? Right now, I think not. Tomorrow though, I'll be back to exercising for better highs.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Memorial Day Memories
Unlike most Americans, Memorial Day brings back memories of irises and my grandmother. No, she wasn't in the military. In fact, I was an adult before I knew that it was actually a day to honor veterans and it still doesn't feel like that is the purpose of the holiday for me.
For several years when I was growing up, Memorial Day was a day that we spent with my mom's mom. The day started in her garden. She always had lots of her favorite flowers, irises, there. We would gather bunches of them for lost loved ones. We went all over central Utah to visit several different cemeteries. It meant a lot to her to do that.
This year, we had a rather uneventful day. The kids and I went swimming in the morning, stayed home for naps in the afternoon, and then had our own little bbq. I guess it is a little sad that I didn't carry on the tradition, but the only relative that is buried anywhere near us is my dad. Somehow, dragging 2 kids to a crowded veterans’ cemetery on a HOT day didn't seem appealing, especially since I had taken them there a few months ago.
I don't feel too bad. They got to visit my grandmother's grave in the desert cemetery in New Mexico on the way back from California. She would have liked that.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Another Break
On Monday, Steve's boss asked if he would go to San Antonio to work on a project for the next 4 weeks. He'll be working 12 hour days, 7 days a week. He left yesterday. Lexi and I cried and cried as we said good bye and for a little while after he left. He was quite emotional too. Even though it was a sad departure, this little trip is quite a blessing for us both.
Yesterday, Steve and I went to the lawyer's office so he could sign some papers, basically acknowledging that he knows about the divorce proceedings. It was a heart wrenching experience for both of us. This process causes huge emotional swings and very little sleep. On a positive note, we had several good conversations on the phone and text messages during his drive. That helps me to believe we will be able to continue to be good friends.
I am actually so happy that he got to do this business trip for his sake. At the very least, he will have a chance to get some sleep in a quiet hotel room. Perhaps, he will even get to feel like a normal person again instead of a crazy guy stuck on an emotional roller coaster.
The separation also gives me a chance to work on getting our house ready to show for renters without feeling so guilty. I know all the preparations are hard for him to watch. Taking junk to storage and charity will be emotionally easier for me without him watching or helping.
Oh yeah, I should mention that we are planning to go visit him at least once during his trip. We both want him to spend as much time with the kids as possible.
Yesterday, Steve and I went to the lawyer's office so he could sign some papers, basically acknowledging that he knows about the divorce proceedings. It was a heart wrenching experience for both of us. This process causes huge emotional swings and very little sleep. On a positive note, we had several good conversations on the phone and text messages during his drive. That helps me to believe we will be able to continue to be good friends.
I am actually so happy that he got to do this business trip for his sake. At the very least, he will have a chance to get some sleep in a quiet hotel room. Perhaps, he will even get to feel like a normal person again instead of a crazy guy stuck on an emotional roller coaster.
The separation also gives me a chance to work on getting our house ready to show for renters without feeling so guilty. I know all the preparations are hard for him to watch. Taking junk to storage and charity will be emotionally easier for me without him watching or helping.
Oh yeah, I should mention that we are planning to go visit him at least once during his trip. We both want him to spend as much time with the kids as possible.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
The Plan: Moocher
When I went to California, I had one main purpose – to get a break. I didn’t have anything else in mind. In fact, I was only planning to be there for two weeks. It wasn’t until we were on the road headed there that I decided it would be nice to stay longer. Two weeks didn’t seem like enough. During our visit, my mom had mentioned that we were welcome to move there. I kind of laughed it off. She even said she was really going to miss the kids. I told her to “be careful what you wish for.”
I came back to Texas knowing that moving to California was an option, but one that I kept in the back of my mind. Unfortunately, things were worse here. It was obvious right away. I realized that I needed to start the divorce process faster than I had planned. California is the BEST option.
With all the changes that the kids are going through, my main goal is to find a way to avoid daycare. Their lives will be disrupted enough without having me go back to working full time (plus) and sticking them in day care all within a short time period. I want to minimize the impact on them as much as possible.
My plan is to put our place up for rent, pack a few things, and drive us out to California. I’ll keep working part time from home, pray that Steve pays child support, and basically mooch off my mom for the next year.
There is one thing that I have realized...even during this rough period in my life, I have many things to be thankful for. First, I love my kids more than life itself. They make all this completely worth it. Second, I am glad that I have a great place to go so that I have this option. I realize that my mom & step-father are making a huge sacrifice for us. Third, I have had many wonderful friends go way out of their way to be there for me. Fourth, problems can always be worse (or get worse) so I am thankful that things aren't worse at this time. Fifth, my company sent me a laptop, which just makes me happy.
I came back to Texas knowing that moving to California was an option, but one that I kept in the back of my mind. Unfortunately, things were worse here. It was obvious right away. I realized that I needed to start the divorce process faster than I had planned. California is the BEST option.
With all the changes that the kids are going through, my main goal is to find a way to avoid daycare. Their lives will be disrupted enough without having me go back to working full time (plus) and sticking them in day care all within a short time period. I want to minimize the impact on them as much as possible.
My plan is to put our place up for rent, pack a few things, and drive us out to California. I’ll keep working part time from home, pray that Steve pays child support, and basically mooch off my mom for the next year.
There is one thing that I have realized...even during this rough period in my life, I have many things to be thankful for. First, I love my kids more than life itself. They make all this completely worth it. Second, I am glad that I have a great place to go so that I have this option. I realize that my mom & step-father are making a huge sacrifice for us. Third, I have had many wonderful friends go way out of their way to be there for me. Fourth, problems can always be worse (or get worse) so I am thankful that things aren't worse at this time. Fifth, my company sent me a laptop, which just makes me happy.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Weekend of Meaningful Dates
This is probably a good weekend to have lots of emotional breakdowns. Today is my dad's birthday. He has been gone for about three and a half years. Then, tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Given the news I announced in my last post, you can guess that I am not celebrating either day. In fact, I am slightly happy that I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, have way too much to do and think about, and have a huge workload for the week. However, I do hope Steve and I make time to do something fun with the kids.
That brings me to the other thing that I am thankful for... we are not fighting. Most divorces probably involve lots of shouting matches, name calling, and hate. Ours is mostly about sadness and an agreement to remain friends. I truly hope we continue to pull it off. I think we both prefer for it to go like this, plus it makes it much easier on the kids.
That brings me to the other thing that I am thankful for... we are not fighting. Most divorces probably involve lots of shouting matches, name calling, and hate. Ours is mostly about sadness and an agreement to remain friends. I truly hope we continue to pull it off. I think we both prefer for it to go like this, plus it makes it much easier on the kids.
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