Ten Years Later

Why is it always the big anniversaries that make us reflect on life and what we've learned since then?  Ten years ago (Friday the 17th), I got married.  Of course, "we got married" sounds better, but after being divorced for almost 4 years, it is definitely "I" in quite a few ways.

At church this month, I have been invited to attend a special marriage class during Sunday school.  They are doing month long courses and filing us through alphabetically.  By invited, I mean not only is it my turn alphabetically, but they printed out a special invitation specifically for me and got substitutes to teach the 9 year old class that I am in charge of.  It seems a little awkward for me, as a divorced woman, to attend marriage class.  Mormons believe that families, specifically marriages, are the highest priority in life.  That is probably why they have a rather low divorce rate.  Last time I saw a statistic is was 20%.  There are 500 people in our ward (a.k.a. congregation).  I believe that there are only 3 women that are divorced.  One man is in the process of getting divorced.  There is also one lady that is in her 30s that has never been married.  We're definitely a minority.

I like to approach things with an open mind.  A couple was asked to teach these classes.  I know them and quite like them.  Each week, they cover a different topic.  The first one was communication.  The second was forgiveness.  Today, it was intimacy.  Next week is financial security/budgeting.  I have been attending the class and could easily feel like the odd man out.  Most couples are sitting together holding hands. There are always one or two women whose husband isn't in class for one reason or another.  I sit off to the side and they join me.  I don't really contribute to the class.  I just listen.

I have read a lot of self-help books on divorce as well as marriage.  All they do is confirm what I know in my heart, that I was an amazing wife.  Sure I annoyed him at times, but I did A LOT of things right and was more forgiving than I probably should have been.  He'll tell you that too.

Life has really changed over the last 10 years, but I truly feel like I am where I need to be and doing what I need to do.  Friends often ask me if I want to get remarried.  Even though I am not dating, the answer is definitely YES.  Who doesn't want to believe in that dream?  I see lots of couples making it work and so I know it can.  Cheers to a better future!  Maybe I'll even go on a date this year.  It would be nice to think a guy found me at least slightly attractive.

Twin Week

Last Tuesday (May 7th), my youngest brother sent me a text that the doctor was sending his wife to the hospital.  I called my mom to see if that meant the twins were going to be born.  She told me that his wife had toxemia and would be having an emergency c-section.  The good news was that she had made it to full term with them.  We were all excited to hear how big they were.  The boy, Elijah, was 6 lbs 5 oz and 19.75" long.  The girl, Priscilla, was 5 lbs 9 oz and 19" long.  We were all very excited.

Elijah (left) - Priscilla (right)

Sadly, the next day my mom called to tell me that Elijah had a blocked intestine and had to be life-flighted to a hospital in a bigger town.  The hospital where they were at couldn't get it cleared and realized he might need surgery.  Plus, he was having trouble breathing.  As my mom was asking my brother questions, she learned that the babies were rushed out right after being born and that his wife hadn't even seen Elijah yet.  My brother was going to go with Elijah to the new hospital.  Priscilla and his wife would stay in that hospital.  His mother-in-law would stay with mom & baby girl.  My mom decided that she needed to be up there with him.  She booked a flight and headed out that day.

Things got a little better for Elijah the next day.  The new hospital was able to get the intestine unblocked without surgery.  He was also breathing 99 to 100% on his own.  However, Elijah wasn't very active and was not interested in eating.  Later that day, my brother was able to get him to drink a teaspoon for one of his feedings.  He had to rely on a tube that went through his nose and down into his belly to get the rest.

Two days later (11th), my brother's wife and his daughter were released from their hospital.  A room was set up for them at the Ronald McDonald house.  He drove over to get them (1.5 hours away) while my mom stayed with Elijah.  They were thrilled to be all together.  Even though they had a room across the street, they were all able to stay in the hospital room with Elijah.  The nurses were very nice about helping with Priscilla too.  They weighed her every day and checked up on how much she was eating.        

Sister-in-law & brother with babies  

Yesterday, Elijah was released and they were able to go home.  Now, the real fun begins.

Priscilla

Juggler of Life

It seems like I was doing so well at posting back in November and December.  Christmas hit & bam, that was it.  I didn't even let ya'll know that my ex called off his wedding right before Christmas.  He still spends quite a bit of time with her, as far as I know, but they aren't getting married. 

My ex & I were doing fairly well at being friends in December.  Now, we are back to our normal post-divorce selves.  That means that sometimes we talk and seem to be friends and sometimes we are pulling back and looking for distance.  We also get easily offended or annoyed with each other.  I know that quite a few married couples do that, but we never did.  In fact, in a way, it is quite amusing for me to experience it now. 

When we got divorced, I knew it would change our dynamics.  He seems to feel hurt or rejected at times and I often feel like he is a bit in my way and that I need to move on with my life.  This is mostly all in our heads.  It isn't like we hang out or talk all the time.  We're probably like every other divorced couple, well except the ones who desperately wish the other was dead.  I don't know why I am writing about this.  It is actually a small part of my juggling act.

I still have all of the normal things going on - housework, kids, life, friends, family, work, some consulting work, church, etc.  It just seems like all of those things have been on steroids lately.  Maybe not friends - I hardly see any of them anymore.  Spending time with friends and enjoying life was on my New Year's Resolutions (guess that has been a failure).  Work and consulting work have kicked up a huge notch, which sadly isn't leading to more money for the time being.  This is just my busy time of year for work.  My consulting work is probably pro-bono since it is for a friend that most likely will not pay in the end.  I agreed to help her because she is also a single mom and a lot of people have bent over backwards to make my life better.  This is paying-it-forward.

It hasn't been all work the last few months, my mom and step-father were visiting us for several weeks.  It was quite nice, but meant that some of my free time went to spending time with them.  Not a bad thing, but one more thing keeping me busy.  On the other hand, they handled most of the grocery shopping and food preparation.  They also entertained the kids a lot.  Maybe they actually made it so I had a little more time for work.  :S

I know this is all blah, blah, blah.  I feel like whenever I do see a friend and they ask me how things are going, I don't have much of an update.  I've been in a bit of a holding pattern since I moved back to Texas.  I am still not dating anyone (or even trying to).  I am still working for the same company that I've been with for 11 years.  I am still poor, but managing to get by with a little help here & there. 

Has anything changed????   Um... I did pay the last tuition payment for Jordan's pre-school.  He is all registered to start kindergarten in the fall, which makes me both thrilled for him and sad for me. 

Mainly, I feel like I am drowning, but somehow I keep surviving.  The longer this goes on, the more I get exhausted though.  Perhaps, I should call it a night and hit the sack a little early.  I will pretend that life will be easier soon.  Hopefully, I'll believe that. 

Christmas Love

This Christmas has been completely amazing in so many unexpected ways.  First of all, I didn't think I would be able to spend it with my two favorite people in the world.  This year, their dad was scheduled to have them for Christmas.  Fortunately, my ex brought them over first thing this morning and we all spent the day together.

I also believed it would be a sad little Christmas because I just couldn't manage to spend money on presents.  Even with help, I am struggling to pay bills this month.  I know I am pretty verbal on the blog about financial struggles, but in real life I keep it pretty quiet.  It is just part of my life and we manage somehow.

This month, the spirit of Christmas must have swelled in the hearts of people (my boss, friends, family, & church members) because they came out of the woodwork to shower us with gifts and acts of kindness. Their generosity was so overwhelming that I often shed a tear.  My mom did too whenever I told her about another person who went out of their way to do something for us.  The gifts weren't only for my kids either.  I can understand how people would want to make sure kids have a good Christmas, but I can't believe how much people gave and thought about me.  Of course, I would have been thrilled if Lexi and Jordan were the only ones spoiled, but I was too.

In the end, I realize it really is the thought that counts.  The wonderful gifts they gave us showed me how much love and kindness there is in the world, especially where we live.  How amazing it is to have love in this world.  More than anything, this all makes me wish I could afford to do grand things for them and others.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!  I am so excited that I get to spend Christmas with my kids.  I hope everyone has as many kind things happen to them as I have had this month.  It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

Me Moments Winner

I just found out today that I am the winner of the Me Moments Basket from Dayngr Girl, who can now be followed at: dayngrzone.com.

The beauty basket is part of the marketing promotion for the movie Playing for Keeps, here is the clip from youtube:

2012 Christmas Cards

I think I mention every year that I like to get my Christmas cards together and out the door in the very beginning of December.  That did not happen this year.  In fact, I struggled to get the motivation to do them at all.  I took the above picture in my backyard on Thanksgiving.  I dragged the kids out there, set up my point & shoot camera on a kitchen bar stool, and had to keep reminding the kids to look at the camera while the timer kept snapping pictures.  It was definitely not a thrilling experience.  I didn't even know if we would end up with one decent picture.

The one above turned out ok, so I made it black & white and ordered a stack of them from mpix.

That is where my little amount of motivation pretty much halted.  I decided to stop complaining to myself and do the essential Christmas cards - great grandparents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and my office in Miami.  Once I mailed those off and looked at the stack of pictures left over, I realized I should make a little more effort.  There isn't a lot I can do for Christmas this year for financial reasons, so I wanted to at least send these out.  I decided just to simplify.  I got a box of Christmas themed cards from Hobby Lobby (half-price sale).  I printed a simple message on the inside rather than personalized ones.  I stuck the above picture on the front and called it good.  This isn't my usual effort, but it was nice to do send them off like I typically do.  

One of my friends once told me that she doesn't like sending Christmas cards or Christmas letters because some people think you are bragging.  For the past few years, when I am sending out cards, I think about that and laugh.  I doubt anyone thinks that I am bragging about my life.  While I have many blessing and things I am happy about, I have very little to boast about.     

December Projects

This month, I ended up doing quite a bit of sewing and other projects.  The strange part is that I didn't take very many pictures.  In fact, I only took pictures of a few of the things I made before giving them or sending them off as gifts.  I made matching pjs for the kids to wear to Jordan's birthday party at the beginning of the month.  I also made pj pants for Jordan and a snowman skirt for Lexi.  I even sewed the dish towels below.

This year, I am very thankful that I started sewing a year ago and can manage a few projects.  I hope to develop this talent even more next year.  I guess that means many of my friends and family will be suffering through more of my homemade gifts.  ;)

Emotional Roller Coaster

This was the first weekend that my ex has taken the kids for more than one night since June.  In fact, over the past few months (years really) he often misses taking them all together even when he promised them he would come.  That is just part of who he is.  We are all used to it.  To be honest, I have really enjoyed that about him.  Sometimes when I think about the bad things in the marriage, I would at least be happy that he isn't a pushy dad.   I like to think that I may have missed the mark when it came to him as a husband, but he is the kind of ex husband I prefer.   

I always put my kids first.  Maybe giving them a little more of their own time is a good thing, but I don’t like to.  Family time is number one on my list.  Other than school, they are RARELY in the care of someone else.  I was even like that when I lived in California.  I hardly ever left them with my mom.  If there is a choice, I consistently choose to be with them.  I just like it that way. 

Needless to say, this was a very emotional weekend for me.  I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.  The rest of the time, I cried my eyes out.  I went to church today very exhausted with puffy eyes.  I felt overwhelmed by these emotions.  Lots of concerned people asked me about the kids in a polite way.  It was difficult to talk about them though.  I am good at keeping it together in those situations, but on the inside I was dying.  I think it is even worse that their dad has them again next weekend and for Christmas.  Fortunately (for me), my ex’s fiance will be out of town, so he’ll probably bring them over for a bike ride or something on the weekend.  He already said he would like to be over here for Christmas Eve & Christmas day, which is a huge relief for me.  I am also thrilled that he doesn't have any vacation time or he would have them all week.  If we played by the book, he could have them from the 21^st to the 28^th without me seeing them even once.  Typing that makes me feel like I have a hole in my heart and knots in my stomach. 

For these reasons, I hope that when he gets married and moves across town, he’ll go back to his usual ways.  I know that isn't nice and it is better for them to have an involved father, but it makes me happier.  If he doesn't, I’m sure I’ll start thinking about moving far away again.  Yes, I am a bit selfish like that, but notice I said start thinking about moving away.  I don’t have the money and I love living here.  I’ll also be dreaming about how nice it would be if he moved away.  His fiance has lots of family here and her own little business, so I doubt that will happen. 

In the last post, I wrote that I am feeling positive about the future.  I am also feeling deeply saddened about the possibility of spending less time with my kids.  No matter what, divorce is awful especially when you have kids.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I can only imagine how bad it is when exes can’t stand each other.  

Treat of the Season

This month I have had NO desire to bake or cook.  That isn't a good thing to happen to someone like me during December.  Fortunately, I have managed to be motivated by this little quick treat.  I saw the instructions for something very similar on Pinterest, but that was about as far as I got until a kind lady from church gave me a bag full of the treat made with pretzels, Hershey kisses and M&Ms.  They were a huge addictive hit for the kids and me.  I decided to make some with Rolos instead of kisses.  YUM!  The best part is that my little kitchen helper, Jordan, loves to help unwrap all of the Rolos.  

If you want to make them, use a cookie sheet to spread out the pretzels with either Rolos or Kisses on top.  Put in the oven at 350 degrees for ONLY 2 minutes.  Pull them out and press M&Ms on top of each one.  Cool and then you've got a tasty treat.