Summer Trip

I didn’t have any big plans for this summer.  Given the fact that I am poor, I thought we’d have a summer just like last one.  We would just stay here.  We could call it a staycation since we enjoy our community pools, splash parks and parks.  We live in a community that has AMAZING pools that are open in the summer.  The HOA fees are high enough that I want to get whatever I can.  That was my plan anyway. 

One night about 2 weeks ago, my mom called and asked if she could fly the kids and me out to Cali for the month of July.  I was quite exhausted when she called.  It sounded like a nice offer, but too difficult.  She told me to think about it and we could talk the next day.  

When I woke up, I felt differently.  I realized it wouldn’t be fair to the kids to miss out on the opportunity.  Not only would they be missing the vacation to California, but my family is having a big reunion at Bear Lake, which is on the border of Utah and Idaho.  Many of my siblings, cousins & second cousins will be there.  My mom & step-dad are driving their RV, so we would be able to go with them.  Sadly, we don't even get to see my brothers very often, not to mention cousins.  It has been 2 years since I saw one of my brothers and 2.5 years since I saw the other two.  My kids should spend time with their cousins.  

I decided that the main hurdle was my work.  My boss has recently bought me a new laptop, but I needed him to buy several different kinds of rather expensive software in order for me to use it.  I also needed a new computer case.  The laptop is unusually large, so finding a case isn’t easy.  Anyway, I decided to ask if they had any objection to the trip and listed my concerns.  They thought I should go and got busy buying everything. 

The tickets are booked and now I am figuring out how to complete my to do list along with getting ahead of 2 big work deadlines, entertaining kids this week, and everything else I normally do.  Lately, I’ve been working on not beating myself up for dropping some of the balls I am trying to juggle.  In some ways, this trip adds stress and in others it greatly relieves stress.  It’s all good.  

Birthday Sewing Month

May has definitely been the month of birthdays around here.  I think we've been invited to more this month than we have the whole school year.  For most of the birthdays, I've opted to pull out my sewing machine to make the presents.  I started with the dress above.  We had a close friend turning 5.  I decided to make her the dress using the same pattern that I used for Lexi's Easter dress.  I chose this pattern because I knew that I could pull it off.  Next, I had a pattern for a skirt for her older sister that was turning 9.  I saw that pattern and thought of her.  I made her two (navy & black).  While I was sewing the first one, I envisioned her pulling it on for a hot summer day.

Shortly after completing them, the invites started pouring in (not at all related to the skirts).  I decided to make more skirts.  The next two, I didn't happen to get a picture of.  They were for one of Lexi's good friends from school.  The pink/green and blue Hawaii ones were for Lexi's friend from church.  The peach and yellow ones were also for a school friend.  Of course, I ended up making two more for Lexi.  She is posing in one below.  The other one came from the scraps of my Easter skirt.  She asked if we could have matching skirts.  I guess we'll wear them to church in a week or two.  The last May birthday project was pink pj pants for one of my friends.  We have both been so busy that I haven't had a chance to give them to her, so it is a good thing she isn't a blog reader.  

A Few of My Spring Sewing Projects

After the post about being poor, I realized I should say that we're doing just fine when it comes to clothes and food.  I am doing a little consulting work whenever I can.  I feel lucky to live in an area where the cost of living is quite low.  When it comes to saving money, I do most of my cooking from scratch and I am sewing.  Of course, sewing can be expensive, but I watch for good sales.  Several of the stores around here have had patterns on for $0.99.  They also have sales on fabric.  Here are a few of the projects I have done.  Other projects are presents that I shouldn't post like my gift for Mother's Day to my mom. 

Lexi's Easter Dress

PJs I made for Lexi's friend

My Easter skirt



A Little Therapy

I just came back from my first and possibly last session of therapy.  That sounds a little negative, but I think it just might have accomplished what I wanted it to.  Let me back up…

A week ago, my ex-husband called to ask me if I would go to therapy with him.  I was quite surprised given the fact that we’ve been divorced almost 3 years.  The two years I was in California, the kids and I saw my ex twice.  Even for the past year, it has been sporadic.  For a while, he regularly picked up the kids.  Back in September, October & November, we were hanging out together with the kids.  For the first month, I actually toyed with the idea of something more (Contemplating Complete Forgiveness).  He had made very impressive leaps to change and I wasn’t sure if I owed it to him or myself to at least consider it.  By the beginning of October, I completely realized that I just didn’t have ANY feelings for him.  We were even bickering more than we had our entire 6 years of marriage. 

By December, we were hanging out less and less.  When his company asked him to start working in different cities in Texas he sounded thrilled.  I felt so relieved, actually ecstatic.   Once again, I would have the space I had been craving.  The kids and I didn’t see much of him for January, February, and March.  When he was around and wanted to, I would have him spend his time with the kids and I did my own thing (usually clean the house and catch up on work – How exciting am I?).    

In April, he asked me if we could have a “talk.”  I said sure.  He came over one evening and after the kids were in bed, he told me that he is now completely committed to the kids and me.  I felt like I had to break-up with him again.  I clearly told him that I just want to move on with my life.  Quickly, he became an emotional wreck and said goodbye.  Later, he called saying that he felt like he was losing me all over again.  He was crying and really didn’t want an honest response from me, so I listened. 

His next step was to ask me to see a therapist with him.  He wanted someone to help us communicate.  I am not at all against therapy, but I had to smile considering that he is always the one that doesn’t want to hear bad news.  He asked me about a therapist that he has been seeing for years (mostly whenever I asked him to).  The therapist knows my mom & sister really well.  I agreed to one session in an effort to provide closure for him. 

It went really well as far as I am concerned.  I am sure he is crushed, but he was finally able to listen to me say that it is over for me.  I sincerely hope he can move on.  He has come a LONG way in improving himself, even farther than I had ever dared to hope.  I am sure he’ll be able to find someone that can love him, appreciate him, and build a life with him, but… it will not be me.  

Signs of Life

There is a peach tree in my backyard. The previous owners planted it, but never got to enjoy it. When we bought the house, it was still very young. I think I was only vaguely aware that it was a fruit tree when I moved to California. When I came back last year, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much it had developed. Sadly, it was struggling from the harsh drought we had last year. It still managed to produce quite a bit of small peaches all of which were eaten by birds and insects. Through the fall it lost all of its leaves and looked like a big dead stick. I figured that it was pretty normal for peach trees, but I couldn’t help but worry that it just might have suffered too much from the drought. I wondered if it would make it.

This last year has been a killer for me too. When I started planning to move back, I knew it was going to be difficult/impossible financially. To be perfectly blunt, my salary and child support together barely cover the bills (and some months not even that). Meaning, there is NOTHING left over for food, gas, Jordan’s pre-school, clothes, oil changes, doctor appointments, or even health insurance (my mom pays for mine – the kids are on their dad’s). I also knew that no matter how crazy it was going to be that it was the right move for us. It has been an incredibly frustrating and stressful year. Many times when I have felt like I am in the darkest pit, someone completely unexpected has thrown a Hail Mary to me that allowed me to keep one toe still in the game. While I am extremely appreciative and astonished that I have made it this far as well as I have, I am beat down and tired.

In January, I started looking for another job and truly exploring other options. I quickly got some great interviews and even offers. I had to politely refuse. Overall, it wouldn’t be to our benefit. Paying $15,000 a year to daycare, plus worrying about child care options for all of the expected overtime and travel actually means I would still be desperately poor. Why would I want to be away from my kids and not even better off financially?

For now, I am kindred spirit with the winter version of the peach tree. I want to believe that there is hope for renewal and joy. I have no choice, but to continue living on a prayer.

Not So Silly Crush

I have a gorgeous cousin that is about 3 years younger than me. She is a complete ginger with green eyes and a smoking hot body. I was thinking about her today and about the fact that she got divorced about a month after I did. Soon after that, she found the love of her life. They were married a few months ago and I am very excited for her.

Today, I was thinking about soul mates and what makes him her Mr. Right. Then I remembered that when she was a child, she had a crush on Dom DeLuise. I had to laugh because her husband is a bald professional comedian and possibly Italian (not fat). Then I wondered if we are much smarter about what we actually want when we are kids. I thought about a few others and when I got to myself I suddenly froze. I had a crush on Bo & Luke Duke. –Yuck! I am destined to be single, because there isn’t any way I would go for guys like that.  I don't even know why I am admitting this - too embarrassing!

Parental Tolerances

Parenting styles are extremely fascinating to me. For the most part, I believe that many parents are good at it in their own ways. While kids generally come with their own little personalities, they seem to quickly adapt to our parenting styles. In a family with only one child, this may be more difficult to pin point. A family that has several children with similar characteristics makes identifying learned behaviors from their families easier.

In general, I think a lot of it is a mixture of priorities and tolerances. We all have our own opinions on what is valued behavior, acceptable behavior, and intolerable behavior. Of course, the two extremes are easiest to spotlight.

For instance, I am quite strict when it comes to how my kids will dress, their willingness to eat what they are given/healthy foods, early bed time, sitting with restraints on in the car/stroller/grocery cart, not whining, and being verbally kind to others. When my kids act up on any of these issues, I react quickly and consistently essentially nipping it in the bud. Consequently, my kids have learned not to press their luck on these things.

On the other hand, there are things that I tend to encourage that sometimes need to be reined in. Some people might not know this, but I have a shy streak, which has mostly disappeared with age. I am also quite critical of myself. I often think that this can be a real draw back in life. I believe that an outgoing, sometimes assertive, talkative and friendly personality would be beneficial. Both of my kids certainly don’t have issues with being shy and overly quiet. In fact, it is quite the opposite. They are over the top. They like being the center of attention even in huge groups, which can be a great thing. It isn’t so great when they need to be a little more reserved and practically silent, like at church. Lexi is capable of quiet entertainment, but Jordan can rarely manage it. During these moments, I wish it was more of a priority for me.

I have friends that I consider fine parents that have completely opposite views than I do. I also have friends that value some of the things I do, but not others.  One of the reasons people can’t be perfect is that we can’t be on top of everything all of the time. I doubt that would even be helpful to kids.  They need to relax about a few things so they don't feel the need to rebel.  We all pick and choose our priorities and they help to shape our lives and our kids. This is just one more way that we are all different and it is wonderful.

Sewing Projects

In November, I pulled out my sewing machine and actually started working on projects.  This was quite strange for me because I don't consider myself someone who sews.  In fact, my machine hadn't even been plugged in for 3 years (since I made that princess costume for Lexi).  Before that, I would have to guess that I was a teenager who mainly liked to start projects so that I could get my mom to do them for me.  I never minded picking out fabric and patterns or cutting out the patterns and material.  After that, I just wanted my mom to make it for me.  Let's be serious, she has skills...

It was probably a shock to everyone who knows me unless they just think I'm following in the footsteps of my mother and her mother before her & so on & so forth.  One would have to wonder what suddenly brought this on and I freely admit that it was a combination of things (perfect storm).  

1. I had no money (none, zip, nada)

2. Christmas was coming

3. I completely ♥love♥ pinterest and being inspired by them

4. On pinterest, I found an easy tutorial for a cute little shrug and a few other things

After I made the shrug and a few other simple things, I realized that I was ready for more. 

After that, I found an easy tutorial for pj pants. I had that in mind when I just went window shopping and found out that fleece was on sale for 60% off. I couldn't pass that up. It worked well, so I decided to make my kids Christmas pj pants too (another sale).

My next project was the Christmas skirt below, obviously a big jump in required skills.  I didn't have a pattern except for one that I bought off of ebay and my mom replicated last year.  There were a few mistakes and lessons learned, but I decided not to be a perfectionist or beat myself up about them.  I think that is why I hated sewing before.  There is nothing like comparing yourself to a talented seamstress all of your life.  It was still cute and definitely fun for Lexi to wear.          

By then, it was time to focus on Christmas presents for my kids.  Jordan's pre-school has nap mats.  Each week, we bring king sized pillow cases to cover them.  However, they didn't really cover the whole pad and the fit was quite tight.  I decided to make a case out of flannel.  There just happened to be a sale on flannel that week, so I decided to make a matching blanket.  Once that was completed, I decided to make a dress for Lexi.  I found an easy pattern that doesn't have a zipper or buttons.  I also found cute fabric and made this:

At this point, it sounds like I am really taking on a new hobby, right?  Well, that is where fate stepped in.  When I was sewing the black bow onto Lexi's dress (last step), I broke the needle and somehow threw off the timing of the machine.  I packed up my machine and was thankful that I got to do those projects. 

However, kindness decided to block fate, my mom must have thought it was kind of sad that my new hobby had been shut down and offered to pay for my machine to be serviced.  It is currently at the shop (takes a few weeks), but I am overflowing with project ideas.  I can't wait...  Yes, amazing sales, a birthday gift card to JoAnne Fabrics, and pinterest all result in projects just piling up. 

Freckle Face Hermit

A radical change has taken place over the last few months. It may sound strange given the fact that I work from home, but I have NEVER been a home body. In fact, I highly doubt there were a handful of days in my life when I stayed home the entire day and wasn’t feverishly ill. Not even as a brand new mom. It just isn’t who I am.

However, the shift into hermit mode began about the time the kids started school in the Fall. They went off to school and I stopped doing activities outside of my home and socializing with my friends. Sure I take and pick-up the kids from school, go to the grocery store, go to church, run errands, and occasionally socialize without any hesitation, but more than ever I am hanging out at home. Since this is so foreign to me, I can’t help but analyze the possible underlying reasons. At first, I figured I just needed a break. The exhaustion of the last few years had really caught up to me. I cut myself some slack and decided to be a little closed off. I was still opening up to friends on the phone so what was the big deal?

Now, after almost four months, I realize that I am getting worse not better. I had a few holiday gatherings that I enjoyed this month (including a QUICK trip to Miami for a company Christmas party), but most days I just stayed home. I didn’t think I would be like this during the kids’ break from school. I just haven’t felt like going out and they have seemed fine with it. I must admit that we do go on walks and bike rides. We’re not locked in the house all day every day.

As if becoming a hermit isn’t bad enough, I have even started semi-enjoying a few activities that I have never been too fond of. The most shocking one is sewing. I had not even plugged in my sewing machine in over two years. Suddenly, I have been making lots of projects and not hating it. The other shocking activity is reading. In the middle of December, I started reading Hunger Games (years after everyone else). In four days, I finished all three books in the series. Then I went into Amazon and downloaded several free books onto my Kindle (hand-me-down from my sister). Not that I hate reading novels, but I have never liked it enough to devote more than a day or two of the year to reading them.

Last week and today, I have had a chance to reflect on the last few months and the coming months and I realize that mainly I feel completely defeated. 2011 was a really hard year. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. I had no idea why, premonitions do not usually spell things out. Having said that, I also see that a million little/huge great things happened that help me get by often at the last minute. I still feel beat down with no end to the tough times in sight. Despite that, I am full of hope. This is not an engulfing depression that makes me suicidal. It is just about being a hermit, which continues to persist. Perhaps, this is a passive way to deal with the issues I am facing. By hiding out, I am hoping they will just get bored and go away (all emotion and no logic). I guess on the bright side, it is never a bad thing to catch up on reading and my sewing skills definitely needed/still need improvement.

On to a new year with hopes that the future will be so bright, I’ll be able to block out some of 2011.

The Spirit of Christmas

In the LDS church, everything is done by the congregation. Basically, nobody gets paid and we are all expected to pitch in. They ask different people to fill different rolls, some of which carry huge responsibilities. When I moved here, I actually was kind of bracing myself to see what they would want from me. Fortunately, I was asked to be a party planner for our church’s women’s group. That means that about five times a year, I help plan a party/dinner/gathering.

Two weeks ago, we had a nice Christmas dinner to put on. Usually, 40 to 60 women attend. The leader of the party planners invited us over to her house last month to figure out the details. We discussed the menu, invitations, decorations, and who our speaker would be. The other planners had not lived in this area for very long. They were suggesting names of men who attend church with our congregation. I sat there thinking it would be nice to have a woman from another congregation. I thought of the perfect person and suggested her name. She was one of my mom’s friends and she LOVES Christmas, but I have only seen her in passing for the past 20 years. We all decided to tell her our plans for the dinner and let her run with whatever she wanted to talk about. I wasn’t in charge of making the phone call, so I didn’t know whether she agreed or not. I didn’t find out until just a few days before that she had agreed.

When she arrived at the dinner that night, I hugged her and sat by her while we ate. I remembered why I admired her. She is very smart, intuitive, and full of love. I had no idea what she would talk about, but was completely blown away by her approach. Her topic was sad things that have happened at Christmastime that changed who you are as a person. She started with a story about herself.

She grew up in a family with eleven kids. She was right in the middle, actually #5. One Christmas when she was about seven, she awoke to find very few presents under the tree. Her family took turns passing out a present and watching the person open it. When all the presents were gone, she sat there quietly trying to conceal her sadness because there wasn’t even one gift for her and she didn’t want to hurt her mother’s feelings. Her mom suddenly noticed and had a look of panic on her face. Her mom took her by the hand and led her to where she kept the fabric. She had her pick whatever fabric she wanted and told her that she planned to make a dress for her.

Our speaker asked if others had stories to share. Another lady told us about a Christmas when she was in her early 20s where she grew up in Guatemala. Her fiancé had called off their wedding and dumped her without explanation two months before this particular holiday. She had spent the last two months crying in her room and moping around their house. On Christmas Eve, her mother insisted that she get dressed and help with food preparations in the kitchen. She complied, but did so with a bad attitude until she noticed two children sweeping out her family’s garage. Immediately, she could see that they were very poor and must have come from a different part of town. They were trying to earn a tiny amount of money for their family. She suddenly lost all of her self-pity. She fixed a plate of food and cookies to give to them. The kids were so tickled by the thought of bringing food to their family. They were even more thrilled to try cookies for the first time.

This was exactly the Christmas message that I needed to hear. I had been feeling pretty depressed about not being able to splurge on Christmas this year. It was nice to be reminded that the spirit of Christmas is felt in the heart.