Emerging as Myself

This week, I read an article in a magazine about Botox that inspired a whole train of thought and an extremely strange analogy. Yes, I am weird. I am not in any way an expert of Botox. In fact, I have never even seriously thought about getting it and I only know a few people who have had it. Mainly, I just like reading studies about almost anything. This particular one said that although Botox only works for a few months, many patients who do it a few times in four months happen to see results up to 20 months. Their conclusion was that paralyzing the muscle actually gives the skin time to repair itself.

Now, for the strange analogy – for the past few weeks I have been thinking about how I am feeling more alive than I have in a long time. About a year ago, I posted about losing myself here: Lost My Spit Fire

I know that besides going through divorce, coming to California to live with my mom has been difficult for me, personally. No, not in any of the ways one might easily guess. My mom works full time and is laid back. She doesn’t meddle at all or even try to pry into my life much, just in a caring helpful way. My problem is that I am a fiercely independent person. I prefer to take care of myself, handle everything by myself, and I never ask for help. I am the one that helps others. I was even the main breadwinner for most of my marriage. Deciding to move here was not easy for me. However, I knew it was the best decision for me because I could continue working part-time and still be able to take care of my kids full-time. That felt significantly important to me. (I am not saying that it would be the best choice for anyone else or even for me at a different point in my life.)

Many changes have occurred since then. Recently, I have realized that it is time for the next phase of life. Preparing to go back to being completely self-sufficient is giving me a breath of fresh air. Although money will be extremely tight for a while, I am thrilled to know that I will be back on my own. As I look back on these past almost 2 years, I now realize that being here was enormously beneficial for me. Yes, I felt a bit paralyzed like I wasn’t moving forward or really doing anything with my life other than being the kind of mom that I wanted to be. Yet, just like Botox, being paralyzed allowed me to heal. I am genuinely at peace, more confident, appreciative of my current situation, and even, dare I say, incredibly cheerful.

Brother's Wedding

This weekend, my youngest brother is getting married. Sadly, the kids and I will not be attending. They live in the middle of nowhere Montana, which means that buying three plane tickets to their miniature airport would be very expensive. A long road trip isn't in the cards either. I just have too much work to take that much time off. This is always my busiest time of year. Plus, we'll be driving half way across the US soon enough when we head back to Texas in two months.

Having said all that, I really do wish I could be there. Family events are always a wonderfully hectic time and I am mainly sad that my kids will miss out on the fun. We are still making efforts to be part of the wedding and get into the spirit of it all.  Last week, Lexi decided that we should draw pictures of them getting married. Her masterpiece is above. As for my art work, I chose to dig deep and really get to the heart of their characters. I call it “Normal Girl marries the Mad Hatter.” - (remember that big sister = master taunter)

To be fair, I am posting a real picture of them.  I wish them the best.  The kids are excited to get another aunt!

By the way, none of my family members read my blog.  They are vaguely aware it exists, but they just aren't blogging people. 

Loving the Green Today

St Patty's Day is always a big deal for us.  My mom is half Irish and always had to make it fun.  Of course, we're celebrating it this year in silly little ways.  Last night, I made sure the kids had green pjs so they would wake up and not get pinched.  I guess that means I can't pinch them either.  This morning, I had them help me make green tinted oatmeal, which left me with a green index finger for the day.  We'll find other little ways to celebrate, but sadly I have a huge deadline tomorrow morning.  I've been working practically around the clock and have not had time or energy to devote too much to this day, but you can bet we're wearing our shamrocks & enjoying it. 

Incredible & Edible

This afternoon, the kids & I happened to come across a display of cakes created by a local cake decorating club.  We were all amazed.  I just had to take pictures to show them to my mom & sister.  As I was looking through them, I decided to share them on my blog too.  All I can say is WOW!  

Underlying Stress

My life is full of stress right now. Not necessarily the bad kind though, except that lots of stress makes sleeping tricky and keeps issues nagging somewhere in the back of my brain – always looming and attacking. I have been told that I have a great ability to hide stress well, which seems like a bit of a paradox when I have also been told that all of my emotions show up on my face. I guess it has more to do with the fact that I don’t complain and can easily carry on in life even when I am under pressure.

One thing I can’t do, when stressed, is blog. I am just too busy going over everything in my head and tend to be private about that until I solve it internally. Right now, my biggest concern is money (future money), which is such a boring topic really. Do we ever really have enough of it? I never do. Somehow, I always get by though.

My stress this time has more to do with moving back to Texas than anything. I’ll just say that my current income doesn't quite cover the bills much less leave money for important things such as food, gas, etc. Something big has to happen, which could be my boss hiring me full-time, keeping my part-time job and doing consultant work on the side, getting a new job that would take me away from home/kids, winning the lottery (too bad I don’t buy tickets), or another option that hasn’t yet presented itself. Of course, the first two are probably my preference. I have ideas of what I can/want/would be willing to do.  In three months, I’ll be back in Texas and dealing with this head on, so for now I am just lulling over the scenarios and dreaming of easy answers.

Valentines Cookies

A couple of weeks ago, my mom, sister and I saw a demonstration about cookie decorating.  The fun would have ended there if my sister and I were left up to it.  However, my mother was inspired.  She decided to make the sugar cookies a few days ago.  Today, she made the icing and got the two of us to help her decorate.  It was actually a lot easier than any of us imagined.  Of course, I just had to make one or two specifically for my favorite little Valentines - Lexi and Jordan. 

Change of Heart

Last November after a particularly rough week or so, my kids asked me if we could go to church. I had grown weary of searching for inexpensive ways to entertain them. This actually sounded like a good idea. The LDS church is an entire three hours on Sunday. The first hour, the whole congregation meets together. After that, they split up into classes and there is a huge program just for kids. Not only would my little ones be entertained, but I would get about 2 hours of a break, which I desperately needed.

Now, I know that is not the most honorable motivation for attending church, but as I have learned with the gym… it is not so much what gets you to go, but the actually going that is the good part. Should I even be admitting that? Probably not, but I am.

A funny thing happened that day; I realized that it wasn’t so bad. It isn’t that I ever hated going to church. However, when you are not going it is easy to think of all the reasons that you don’t want to go or don’t even like it. In fact, I enjoyed the serenity that the little break gave me.

I decided that we would attend throughout December too. There were two motivations for that – a healthy break from the kids and my love of Christmas songs/hymns. In that month, I quite enjoyed my experiences there from simple things like adult conversations, hearing about others overcoming their various struggles (simple and complex), seeing truly happy families/couples, as well as religious doctrine. I have always enjoyed studying religions.

This experience carried over into January, but instead of going mostly for the break, I was actually enjoying it. I still had some of my reservations though. One day, the class conversation sparked several personal and happy memories. My heart was immediately softened and I began to listen with more of an open mind. While, I realize that I do not understand some of the trivial things that had bothered me before, I do know following my true heart usually leads me in the right direction. Besides, no matter what, when someone is working on improving their spirituality and inner peace good things happen. I am certainly better off today than I have been in a while. I also have a better understanding of many aspects of my life.

Birthday Celebration

We celebrated my birthday with my mom and sister at the Cheesecake Factory. I love that place.  I always make sure that we get there before 5pm. That way we get the lunch portion, which is still HUGE.

Sharing a Birthday

Yesterday, I discovered that I share a birthday with one of my favorite artists, Sarah McLachlan. I especially like that she is five years older than me. Happy Birthday Sarah!

Lexi Turns Five

Today, Lexi turns five years old.  I was in bed this morning when the kids woke up.  I listened to their usual banter and wondered when she was going to remember that today is THE big day.  She has been telling everyone about for the past several months.  Surprisingly, it took about five minutes.  She got excited and suddenly announced to Jordan, "I am five today and ready for kindergarten!"  I couldn't help but laugh.  I am ready for her to go too. 

We don't have anything huge planned.  We took brownie bites to the YMCA for her to share with the kids and teachers.  She also has her annual physical this afternoon.  This evening, we're making her favorite dinner - lasagna, which will be followed by a Tangled cake.  She can't wait to taste all that hair.  She is also excited to open presents of course.