Pivotal Week Approaching

For several years, I have been talking about escaping the clutches of Miami. Eight and a half years ago, I moved here thinking I would be around ONLY for a couple of years. I have spent most of my life bouncing around from place to place with ease thinking I would continue on like that. My friends and family are shocked that I have lasted in one place this long. To be honest, I have tried to move many many many times, but there must be an invisible wall that has trapped me. Believe me, trapped is the right word for this.

Next week, we have a great shot at breaking those restrictive shackles. My excitement about the prospect is impossible to hide. Steve, my husband, is going to be in Houston all week. He has four very promising interviews set up and at least one company that has asked to meet with him, but has not set a time yet. He is also going to check out rental houses (for the first year).

If you know me, you’ll know that I am driving myself insane with the planning & scheming & crossing my fingers & holding my breath & so on & so forth. When I REALLY want something, I am just impossible to be around.

Whole Truth

Due to recent events, I have realized that it is extremely important to let your loved ones know of your wishes. Steve and I have had many talks over the last 2 years about our dieing wishes. We both don’t want to suffer too long. We agree that pulling the plug is often the best decision. Sometimes living life to the fullest is better than prolonging your life just to continue fighting a medical issue.

However, a new thing has come to light. I have seen that some people think it is better to protect the patient from harsh news at least for a little while. My family was always open and honest about issues and that is what I expect. I am letting it be known right here and now that I want to be involved in my medical problems. I want the whole truth (not sugarcoated) the second the information is shared.

In fact, I don’t like people knowing things about me that I don’t know. That is the number one reason I would never choose to be surprised by the sex of my baby. Knowing that the ultrasound tech (someone I don’t even know) would have that kind of information would annoy on me.

Back on topic, I do not need to be protected. If I only have a few months to live, let me know NOW so I can make sure it is going the way I want it to. Don’t worry about my reaction. I will be fine as long as the truth is shared. Sure, ignorance can be bliss, but if others know, I better be told too.

Focusing on What’s Important

In two and a half weeks, Steve and I were going to be attending a wedding at a very posh place in Miami. We have known the couple for about 5 years through work. She is a gorgeous 24 year old that has everything going for her. The kind of person it would be easy to hate if she wasn’t so nice. He is 29 years old and very fun to be around. We know him better than her.

Two weeks ago, I first heard that she was being admitted to the hospital for tests. Her symptoms brought flash backs of my father’s ordeal. Of course, everyone prayed that it wasn’t brain cancer and most of the first week was spent on every other possible test with numerous specialists. By the end of last week, a biopsy was scheduled. Friday night, I got the news that she has a malignant tumor. It is in a place that is extremely difficult to get to. The biopsy was a huge challenge. There isn't a lot of hope for her.

Despite the fact that it was my first thought, I was still stunned by the news. I am mainly feeling pretty numb. My heart goes out to her and her family as well as her fiancé.

Even if you live to be 100, life is short. It is time to start focusing on the people and things that make us happy.

12 Week Ultrasound

I realized today that this baby may be more like Steve than Lexi is. Who else stretches their long legs like that?

Heart Beat

Yesterday, I had a doctor’s appointment. It was a normal appointment, but it was the first time I heard the heart beat. I guess it is official. I do have a little one in this bulging belly. It (freckle fetus) is another squirmy one that will not hold still for long enough to hear more than a few beats.

Speaking of the belly, I am getting more & more frustrated about getting dressed. My stomach is too pudgy for normal clothes and too small for maternity clothes. I have some in between clothes, but not enough. I almost wanted to take the day off to avoid this dilemma. Unfortunately, I have a deadline coming up.

Give Me Five

Thankfully, Dayngr tagged me for this little task. My mind is just too gone right now to come up with things on my own.

What were you doing 10 years ago.
Ten years ago, I was living a carefree life in Doha, Qatar working for the Corps of Engineers. For the month of June, I was actually house sitting for some very rich British doctors that were on holiday.

Five Snacks You Enjoy: (Completely different when I am pregnant. I don’t enjoy any food. Here are things that are ok at times.)
1. SunChips
2. Chips & Salsa
3. Ice Cream
4. Fruit Smoothies
5. Oatmeal cookies

Five Songs That You Know All The Lyrics To: (only U2 songs are coming to mind)
1. One
2. Mysterious Ways
3. With or Without You
4. Running to Stand Still
5. All I Want Is You

Five Things You Would Do If You Were a Millionaire:
1. Move out of Miami
2. Buy an SUV
3. Go on fabulous vacations
4. Invest & save for the future
5. Help family members out

Five Bad Habits:
1. Never checking my voice mail
2. Addiction to buying new Robeez on Ebay (good deals)
3. Only calling people on my drive home from work/the daycare
4. Always coming up with plans for the future (can’t I just live in the now?)
5. Turning my head & secretly rolling my eyes when I have to be around someone that annoys me

Five Things You Like To Do:
1. Foreign Travel
2. Domestic Travel
3. Laying in a hammock on a breezy beach
4. Spending time with extended family
5. Relaxing during time off from work

Five Things You Would Never Wear Again:
1. pegged jeans
2. leg warmers
3. jelly shoes
4. spiked high heals
5. earrings in the second & third holes

Five Favorite Toys:
1. my fairly new computer (desktop)
2. digital camera
3. dvd burner (part of computer)
4. Kitchen Aide mixer
5. I’ll have to go with baby too, who has time for anything else?

Five people to tag: (And anyone else who wants to give it a go)
1. PageWize
2. Princess & Johnsy
3. Reformatting
4. Anna
5. Aimee Enchalada

Instructions: Remove the blog from the top, move all blogs up one, add yourself to the bottom.

Absolutely Bananas
Smiling Mom
42
Dayngrous Discourse
Freckle Face Girl

Looking Up

I spent the weekend talking about issues. I have come up with a main plan and several back-ups to deal with problems. I even had my first session with a therapist (over the phone). It feels good address some of the things that are bothering me.

Plus, I think I am finally coming out of the first trimester because I actually have energy. Saturday was dedicated to cleaning. Lexi “helped.” Between working, taking care of Lexi, and being exhausted, I had let things slip. I was only doing the bare minimum for a month and it really showed.

So, it is Monday but I am moving forward and have a clean apartment.

Points in Life

There are points in life when the stress is just too much. At times everything compounds and presses down on me to the point that I have difficulty breathing. I want to scream because I feel trapped by the situation and trapped because it is something that is better not mentioned. For a person that feels like I am very open, I realize there are huge parts in my life that require me to bite my tongue and smile at least for the time being.

I am taking deep breaths and doing my best to keep myself at a healthy less stress level. It isn’t good for me or the baby or anyone else. I keep telling myself that life has a way of working itself out and eventually being better. While I believe that, I just see the problems staring back at me.

10 Week Mark

I passed the 10 week mark, which means the thing growing inside me is no longer an embryo. It is officially a fetus. "It" and "thing" sound so callous, but I don’t have a creative name. Perhaps, "little one" or "future babe" would be better. However, I am simply too exhausted to worry about terms of endearment.

I must admit that this pregnancy is different from the last one, but not in huge ways. Mainly, this is about my focus. Last time, pregnancy became the center of all of my attention. Other major things were going on like my dad’s brain cancer and my MIL’s lung cancer, but pregnancy was a nice distraction. I definitely preferred to keep that on my mind. We also had to buy lots of baby things to get ready for her. That kept me focused.

This time, I have a million different things on my mind. Some of them are a result of getting pregnant, like the fact that I need a new vehicle because my current one is just ridiculously small. We will be moving too, because our apartment is too small. I am all about planning and scheming to get what I want.

It is not that pregnancy isn’t on my mind at all. I guess it is always there especially when I either need to eat something quickly or can’t stand the smell of something. Plus, my belly has popped out much faster this time, so choosing my clothes every morning is already a task. Let me just say it again, the in-between/fat stage is no fun. There are a million reminders, but preparing for this baby is so different and my mind is all over the place.

150 Things People Have Done

I have many things swirling around in my head. I can't seem to get myself to blog about them though. Instead, I am stealing this from Balou. It is a list of random things many people have done. I bolded the ones that applied to me.

1. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
2. Swam with dolphins
3. Climbed a mountain
4. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
5. Been inside the Great Pyramid
6. Held a tarantula
7. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said "I love you" and meant it
9. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer and a 300 gig external!
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an expert
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Eaten fugu (pufferfish)
89. Had a one-night stand
90. Gone to Thailand
91. Bought a house
92. Been in a combat zone
93. Buried one/both of your parents
94. Been on a cruise ship
95. Spoken more than one language fluently
96. Performed in Rocky Horror Picture Show
97. Raised children (in the processes)
98. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (one of my favorite things to do)
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Petted a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Ridden a bike
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one important author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (hated doing it)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life